The last few days have been some other kind of hell.
Ex says “I love you”, get back together, a day later – takes it back.
He says that, says he wants to talk about things. Become vulnerable and open again, (despite having been broken up with in the past by this person), talk, set new commitments, forgive..begin a-new.
Next day – ignores texts and calls.
Next day – finally answers. Meet up. Talk. Takes it all back.
That all by itself feels like being broken up with again, but double the pain. So all in all, I have been injured in the same place in this same heart, three times (or, the feeling of).
We had this second talk at the Botanical Gardens. Now it will always be the place that holds that memory.Now when I visualise those gardens…the colours of the flowers are different shades than before – somewhere between dull and faded with a hint of blood red.
I actually had plans to go there and take photographs for this website haha…that’s off.
To top all that off, I was officially uninvited to a party at his house (I am good friends with 1 of his house mates) that is happening this weekend, which all of my good friends will be at, and that we have been talking about for ages, and that I have been looking forward to for ages. I even bought a new outfit especially for it. And because I was uninvited, my aforementioned good friend who is also his house mate, ignored me for a few days knowing that when I spoke with him, I would ask about the party and he would have to say that I wasn’t allowed to come.
After the discovery of the stripping of my invitation, I called him and he apologised for this. So, that’s fine. But anyway, after much crying and yelling, I was officially re-invited.
The point is that I have been trying to let myself feel my heartbreak and just survive. I feel stupid because obviously all of this is a repeat vibration from our previous break up – so much of a repeat that it is the exact same ‘un-invited to a party at his house because of breaking up’ scenario. It’s just, ridiculous. Could not help but be pissed at the universe/myself/say omfg about that.
He called yesterday to see if I’m okay. Of course I’m not okay. I’m okay enough to not yell at you, yes, but other than that, I AM NOT OKAY. I feel like when these sorts of things happen, people want the person they’ve emotionally injured to say they’re okay just so they can tell themselves that what they did wasn’t that bad, or just generally feel better in some way. And I get that urge, I do. But it’s an unfair one that I will not tolerate. I AM NOT OKAY. I will not lie to make you feel good. I don’t lie if I can help it. Being honest is one of my main ‘things’ you might say…like, an aspect of the ‘code’ I live by…or something. Always be honest, because if you aren’t, things will just get way worse down the track, causing everyone to take a much longer time to heal.
I debated with myself about whether I should write this or not, because I have fears about my readers opinion of me, like, that I need to be this happy, inspiring spiritual person all of the time – but I decided that if I feel the inspiration to write, then I’m going to write. We are all not-okay at times, and that has to be alright. If we can’t accept that in others, or in ourselves, then we’re liars who are demonizing our feelings…which is our humanity…they are a huge part of what it means to be human.
So, right now, I am allowing myself to…be…and in this moment…I am being…not okay.
Side note: Writing helps.
From a spiritual perspective, feeling your emotions and then re-orienting your focus to something that feels better, more positive, is the way to go – that is healing. It is a process of emotion that cannot be ‘deleted’ by happy thoughts in one fell swoop.
I am only just truly, truly, learning this, hence why it’s on my mind, hence why I’m going to go now and play and sing sad, sad music…until further notice.
You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that’s breaking my skin
Well I’ll hide all the bruises; I’ll hide all the damage that’s done
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone
Why, I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now