Drowning

Today I sat in my car crying for half an hour (and then more when I got home) after having an appointment with this job employment provider company that I have to be with in order to stay on benefits from the government – I.e. am on ‘looking for work’ salary from the gov, these people are hired by the gov to help me get a job.

I was crying because I felt/still feel absolutely trapped and awful when it comes to the prospect of becoming part of ‘the work force’. I was crying because it tears me up inside to be in this position where I have to look for these shit, ‘regular’ jobs in order to continue getting money from the gov, which is what I need to put a roof over me and my cats’ heads. I want to do what the spiritual me wants to, needs to do, which is say, ‘no’ and do only that which brings good feelings, never taking action upon anything that feels emotionally negative. But, if I do that, I’ll be homeless. But, acting upon only what feels good is how one gets to one’s highest joy, focusing on what feels good and not taking any actions that feel bad is how you manifest good things, the things that you realised you prefer via the contrast in your life. But HOW do I do that from where I am?

m. lobuglio

So, I was crying and upset and angry about how alone I feel, angry that I wasn’t born completely extra sensory so I could see my guides etc and truly, really, know that I’m never alone in this fucked up 3D hologram…yelling at no one and everyone in the universe who is non physical to fucking show up for me because I would love for my ego-3D mind to shut the fuck up and release fear by seeing that I am never alone…all the while knowing that won’t work, because in order to see non-physical energy I need to meet it half way by raising my frequency to one that matches the subtler energies along the light spectrum, but then again – anger – because how can I do that when I am in that emotional state, and that’s when I need it? – so I continue feeling alone. I just so badly, in those moments, wanted help and I yelled and nothing happened and it shits me so much, but again, it’s no one’s fault.

uriel bed

Apparently I signed up for this. But I don’t even remember signing up for this. And I just, in those moments, and in some continuing moments, I just want out. But I know I don’t really. But I did. Then I started wishing, and still do in and out of present moments, wish that I wasn’t this spiritual person who knows about universal truths and wants to evolve…because it would be so much easier to be an atheist and/or someone who is happy to work an administrative desk job or something, not me – this spiritual person who wants to help other people dramatically and wholly and emotionally, this person who knows their purpose and feels suffocated by anything other than the pursuit of that…I want to want to be alright with applying to these mundane jobs………but I don’t really, and I’m not, so I’m just stuck because it is what I have to do to not become homeless.

So, what the fuck do I do? I am trying to keep the faith, but some days I’m just drowning.

 

 

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