I realised I have ‘anger phobia’.
Being around or exposed to anger makes me extremely uncomfortable…and I suppose that’s usual because that’s an unpleasant environment for anyone BUT what I mean is, as soon as I see an inkling…I am ready to bail. For example, if I’m at a dinner and someone starts talking about some kind of political or ethical subject they are passionately against, I will straight away start to feel tense and start to feel knots in my stomach. I expect them to move into anger and get a bit crazy. I suppose we could call it a hypersensitivity to anger. Side Note: I know that this is partially due to growing up with a dad with a short temper. I will be reflecting upon that in the next few entries. But for right now… This is a separate, but intertwined issue that needs to be addressed at a later date and is not the main point tonight.
The last little while I’ve been trying to make sure that I express my emotions and don’t just cover them up with excessive spiritual optimism (so I don’t have to feel them). This is not the best way of going about things, this is what causes energy blockages. It is best to fully express one’s emotions and only then reorient your focus to things that make you feel good.
So for me personally, the question seems to be…how can I be okay with feeling angry about something when I see it from the ‘higher perspective’ or ‘bigger picture’ outlook? What I mean is, say a friend just heard some bad news, I ask him something, friend snaps at me or says something rude, I will feel a wave of pain, but then think to myself, “he didn’t mean it, he is just already feeling upset, so he’s lashing out.” and move on as quickly as possible, turning my attention to something that feels emotionally good.
When something happens that causes me to feel anger, I always see the higher perspective of things amidst my waves of anger and frustration. So, because I see that, I then feel guilty and ridiculous that I’m angry. Another example: friend is late to seeing a movie, I feel angry, friend was late because of traffic, I realise it is legitimately not their fault they’re late. It was the traffic. So, I grumpily ignore the anger and we move on.
Seeing the higher perspective in this way is sometimes known as a form of spiritual bypassing. It’s important to feel one’s emotions and allow the personal ‘human’ side to express itself. It is important to remain ‘real’ and true to yourself and your feelings, your life.
But…I’m actually confused right now.
I seem to condemn and shame myself for feeling angry via this understanding of the bigger picture.
And I realise this is wrong. But it doesn’t make the validity of the bigger picture reasoning any less.
Being angry feels irrational and stupid in light of that.
How do I reconcile this?
I am open to suggestions because I’m really struggling with this one.
To be continued…