Sleepless.

Random thought rant is now in session:

I can’t sleep. It’s 5am. I had a nap at 4pm and woke up at 8pm, oops. Started feeling tired at 12am. Meant to go to bed then but got distracted by ‘one more chapter’ from one of the Doctor Who comics I bought…but then there was another chapter…then another…and so on.
Then there was Peep Show (hilarious British TV show). I can’t just watch one episode. Just can’t. Anyway, when I actually turned off the light it was 3am. Been tossing and turning for two hours. Body is super tired. Feeling kind of sick from eating too many biscuits before bed. That’s probably why I’m so wide awake. Sugar keeps you awake, right? …Just gotta wait for the ‘sugar crash’, right?

In the mean time, I will just…sit…here? God, I hate not being able to sleep.

I’ve noticed that if I watch a lot of Peep Show I end up observing my thoughts in my head and wondering whether my daily narration of my life would make for an entertaining sitcom too (FYI – Peep Show is unique in that the characters’ thoughts are said over top of the action within in each scene, and their running commentary of their mundane but hilarious lives is very entertaining). After much observation, conclusion = probably not. I think about Doctor Who and cats and angels and chocolate way more than any ‘normal’ person ‘should’…hardly relate-able.

I’ve been worrying about this stupid government employment thing I have to go to tomorrow. I DON”T want to go. It’s that feeling of dread that I used to get before going into a maths exam at school (I had ‘maths’ typed with a capital ‘M’ but seriously, I just back spaced it and thought “no, maths, you don’t deserve a capital letter!” – THAT is how much I HATE maths). The ideal thing to do to not experience this stupid thing would be to focus on what I would prefer. So, I’m trying to not focus on the feeling of dread and reasons why it would all be so actually dreadful and instead envision having a relaxing at-home day, in a magical universe where the lady calls up and says, “oh, hey, don’t worry about coming in today, that’s not happening any more.” But it’s not working and instead, I’m clearly just intensifying the dread. When I have something in mind that has the potential of happening that I really really really don’t want to have happen, I get overly conscious of what I’m thinking because I’m like “Thoughts = how you manifest your reality, so, don’t focus on the thing! Don’t focus on the thing! Don’t want to accidentally manifest the thing!” but that resistance to the thing is an epic, delicious meal of  energy for the universe to utilise to bring about that exact thing I’d rather not have happen…so…yea…as I realise this, I still have trouble…so it’s just back to “uuguughhhh” and “hmm this is very unhealthy…not sure what to do…ugghhhhh”!
Also, I’ve been worrying about certain people. Well, not worrying that much actually, just thinking and wondering and coming up with ridiculous scenarios that would probably never happen…as we all do, y’know?
Also, money. Go away money. But don’t go away, never leave my side in fact. But seriously, money, stop screwing me around. You’re so hot and cold. One minute you’re here, the next you’re very, very far away. Why won’t you let me love yoouuu?!

That is the end of this rant. Goodnight/morning, San Diego.
End transmission.

I just searched Google images for “money is a jerk” and it was highly unsuccessful. Turns out that gets you a strange mixture of images including a photo of some kind of meat pie slop and fishing line/hook fake fish…things…(you know, those things that are plastic fake fish that people put at the end of the hook for some reason?…those things). Yea. So. Just thought I’d share that.

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