I realised just now that I never allow myself to be fearful. I always think that it is not okay, more than that, that I am not really allowed to be fearful. I know I procrastinate the hell out of my life because of displaced fear and energy. I just don’t know what fuck to do with it so I apparently just stifle it down and let it simmer in procrastination with the internet and television shows and 4am.
I am scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeddddddddddd of sooo much shit.
I am scared to breathe.
Sometimes I feel like the world is a big, endless room where knives are sticking out of the walls and I’m just crammed in the middle with not very much space to walk through without getting sliced. Wow, disturbing image. It’s not as bad as that sounds, I swear.
It’s just like, I feel stifled. I feel like ‘society’ or ‘the machine’ is constantly judging me and putting pressure on me to become a ‘normal’ person. And apparently I disagree with it, but instead of doing what I want to do which is say, “fuck you society!” as I quickly walk down the slice-y hallway, (regardless of the danger of being stabbed by the wall-knives, not caring if I come out with scratches and cuts) and out into the light as my true self like, “huzzah! yes! fuck you, indeed!” , I just sort of sit there adamantly being my true self and so I can think that I’m sort of still being like, ‘yea, fuck you guys! I’m living my life however I want!’ but without moving. Being ‘real’ but not taking those active steps I very much want to take because I still actually fear the slice-y walls that represent the machine that is society, and am only a tiny bit as brave as I actually want to be. I’m crouching under the knives half-yelling ‘fuck you!’ “yea…take…that…man…” but not actually doing anything.
No seeing the light of reachingyourdreamsdespiteeverythingthat’sagainstyou for me. Just a bit of inner rebelliousness and not much else.
I’m just scaaaaaaaaaaaaredddddd.
And that’s my story, for tonight (or should I say, this morning).
Edit: Reading over this, I realise that I’m not really giving myself credit for the action that I actually do take towards getting out of the hallway of knives. I am openly being myself in this really dense world e.g. I write this blog at the risk of anyone and everyone seeing it, I write it for a good cause – I know it helps others to be the example of someone who is standing up as authentic, someone who is voicing their opinion about the unnaturalness of just allowing ourselves to be okay with being a ‘cog in the machine’…
I talk to animals and trees and crystals and dead people and angels and aliens despite the intense, immense load of bullshit we are fed about how that’s all not real and everything… I survived school, too. God damn. I was thinking about that today. SURVIVING SCHOOL IS EPIC. If you survived any schooling based within the current system MY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU. The education system is just totally screwing our imaginations, individuality, sense of identity…the truth of who we are really… and to come out with even a breath of any of that remaining is truly amazing. YAY, ME! Yay, YOU!
More stuff I should give myself credit for:
I love my cats so dearly I know they appreciate it x 1000.
I always take the effort to understand others’ perspective as much as I can.
I really care about my friends.
I am breathing despite scars on my wrists and wounds in my heart. So, yea…
Screw you, hallway of knives…I’m coming out…even if I’m bleeding, battered and/or crawling on my knees by the time I hit the light!
I’m going to go here and flutter through the trees like the sun…