I keep posting this song called, “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift…every now and then in my blogs…because it reflects my most recent relationship…And me posting it and almost crying every time I hear it, and singing my heart out to it over and over tells me that I am still mourning that relationship…And I hate that I am. And it’s only a part of me because most of me is fine. But there is that part that’s still going…and I wonder when it will disappear? I feel like I’m mourning and releasing it every time I listen to this song, how many more times do I need to feel and sing it? It’s the same song over and over, written all over my heart. I know there’s still a hole in my heart still and it’s filled up with these lyrics crammed into it, trying to fill it. And there’s band aids on the top but the bleeding hasn’t stopped. And it’s really intense for me to admit that and to realise it. I doubt he knows. And there’s no going back and I don’t want to, I just want to heal. When do we get to stop trying to repair ourselves from old wounds? When is that time? Where is that place? I’ll let you know if I ever find it. And I’m watching this video of Taylor singing this song live and she’s crying and she’s saying that the good memories can haunt you and create scars just as deep as the bad ones, sometimes even worse. That’s what hurts us when we lose someone. At first it’s the pain and trauma of the ending, but then it’s the loss of the rest of it. So, I think I am still mourning. That’s what mourning and grief are, right? Maybe I’m mourning over that part of me too. I like having someone to love and when it ended, that aspect of who I am dissolved. And I want it back. But you can’t do that when it’s just you. Well, on the other hand I guess you can try with all your heart to love you, but who really believes that that’s all they need? I don’t know if anyone does if they asked themselves and were able to get past all of the lies they might be holding onto believing within themselves – like, ‘it’s okay to be alone’ or ‘I can just love me’. Well, that’s true. But I believe that humans were designed to love others as well. Designed to embody love and extend ourselves in that way to one another as well as ourselves, without inhibition. It’s a grave error to believe otherwise, but it can be what we tell ourselves to make us feel strong or self empowered in the times when we’ve lost. But in the end, behind and beneath it all, you’ve still lost something you loved and you’ve lost being able to love something, and that combination is lethal to the human heart. Or mine, anyway.
ALL TOO WELL
*Italics – my haunting memories
*Underline and the bold – the truest truth
I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.
(Laughing on the couch, wearing your shirt but separate beds, still tried to kiss you, I left when I thought you were asleep, driving home at 1am, crying all the way, left the shirt and a note: “I am an idiot”)
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house,
And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now.
Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
(I remember: One hand on the steering wheel, the other in mine)
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.
‘Cause there we are again on that little town street.
(The wedding in the coldest town I’ve ever been
Shivering with champagne)
You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid
with glasses in a twin sized bed
(Hair like I’d never seen)
And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me?
(I will never know)
And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…
‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.
Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
(We did, I did)
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
(You were) running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise
(Still angry at this second injury: I don’t want to be)
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
(The night of the second-first kiss, the conversation: ‘I still love you too’, the second try
Then: the last chapter, the silence, the gardens, the end)
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.
Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
(Still in my drawer, hidden beneath layers of armour)
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it ’cause you remember it all too well, yeah
‘Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare (It was), I was there, I remember it all too well (I do)
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all (Probably, maybe, I could never guess)
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well