bloom quote

Fear of Failure/Paws on Hearts

The other day I was feeling upset because I had talked to Rose (one of my cats) and she told me she was upset that we had ‘stopped having sacred time’. She was talking about how I used to meditate and communicate with the animals more than I currently do. The main reason I stopped is because I doubted my abilities. And it upset her.

I have a massive ‘fear of failure’ complex relative to pretty much everything in my life. It leads me to the irrational response or reflex of ‘okay, if I don’t try I can’t fail, so I won’t’. This is not conscious at the time but it is something realised upon reflection, and it is very common from what I can tell.

Rose blamed the new(ish) cat Uriel for seemingly being the reason I stopped having that ‘sacred time’ with her and Panda (my other cat). I explained to Rose that it was just coincidental timing and that it was my fear, so it was my fault, not Uriel’s. After I explained this all to Rose I was feeling really upset about it. Uriel was sitting (basically) on me as I started crying. She reached up and put her paw on my heart and I knew it was to heal it.

cat and girl photo pink

Uriel and I

Rose was upset in general that we got another cat. She said it’s not what she wanted. So I’ve still been feeling really bad about it. But conflicted because I love Uriel and she’s not going anywhere..
Last night I explained to Rose about how I just got this feeling that we had to get another kitty, and that when I saw Uriel it was like, ‘omg. this kitty belongs with me. She belongs with our family. I just know it.’ I explained to Rose that it was the same feeling I had when I first saw her, and when I first met Panda too. I said it was really hard because I knew Rose would not like it that much…yet I still had this feeling. Rose started headbutting me (aka lovingly rubbing her face against mine) and saying she understands.

I also explained to her again that I stopped talking to them because of my own fear…fear of being wrong when I speak to them. I explained to her that it is hard for me to distinguish between me making things up in my head and me actually hearing them in my head. I told her that people aren’t like animals, we don’t talk in our minds normally, and it’s a learning process. She headbutted me again.

cat and crystal me

Rose and I

Later on that same night I saw Rose sitting quite close to Uriel. They both had their eyes half closed and I ‘felt’ that they were having a conversation. I swear I heard Rose saying sorry. There was a peaceful communion of some sort at least. I’m so glad.

It’s stuff like this, like Rose rubbing my face, and Uriel putting her paw on my heart, and the budgie at my family home starting to squawk like crazy to say, ‘it’s okay! it’s okay! you’re here now. it’s okay!’ when I started apologising over and over for his illness and that we hadn’t looked after him better…It’s stuff like this that makes me remember and realise that the animals are just so unconditionally loving and beautiful and despite my fears, I should keep trying. I should just keep trying because they are here for me.

And it’s not a special thing you know. Any one who puts the effort into knowing animals will get the same response from them and come to the same realisations…they are beings of wholeness, consciousness, love and feelings, just like us. They want to connect and they unconditionally love to the best of their ability. Explaining things to them really really helps, even if you don’t fully believe it, one should try. The worst that happens is that it works.

Rose and I are getting a bamboo palm, house plant tomorrow. We’re going to meditate and send love to it together and that will be our sacred time. It was her suggestion and I think it’s great.

I just spoke to two cats for a couple of people today and it went well and it was all good. I had the visions, I heard the words… I just need to remember these moments. Gotta remember: I can do it.

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Panda and I

 

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