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Stuck

I am becoming wholly disillusioned with the job market, career and all that. It is not often that I feel the wave of faith slipping away from me but it is an occasional, inevitable, aspect of my life experience.

It’s moments like these that childhood becomes a fairytale that is long since gone…Alas, I (and we) know that it is a distortion that has affected the memories due to the feelings of the now (most of the time, I guess parts of it are fairytale-esque). When I refer to my childhood in a wistful way, I am mostly referring to times before the age of say 11 or 12. It is then, I think, when the effects of Bipolar started to really show themselves in my life…I read over my old diaries a while ago that live in a box, in my old bedroom at my parent’s house…and they are quite sad from the time they began, which was at about age 11. They continue mostly in the same vein of emphatic expression of pain until they end at about 16… I think that was when I started really just sticking to online journaling (livejournal). I do have some print outs of those entries. They also continue to express pain and A LOT of sad poetry.

Anyway, I feel faithless at the moment which is unlike the most-of-me that I know. As I express sadness, I always have another part of my mind that is going on about how it’s all okay in the broader perspective of things, how it will all be okay. And it’s kind of annoying because then I make myself feel silly/guilty/invalidated relative to my depressive feelings. That is something I am working on.

I am and always have been in a constant turmoil relative to money. Money and guilt (from being semi-supported by my parents) and guilt about past actions (mostly related to those actions and interactions with others performed whilst in the sea of bipolar hitting like a storm around the age of 17, so perfectly forgiveable, but that’s the rational mind…the emotional mind is still sunk at the bottom of the sea, keeping myself anchored down with tons of guilt).
My other ‘thing’ is this hole in my heart (like a literal auric hole in my energy system) due to past (romantic) relationship traumas.

Whilst I have healed from the aforementioned (excluding the ongoing guilt/money issue), I haven’t at the same time. And I keep wanting to face it and I feel this ‘I should, I need to, I must!’ guilt for not doing so as well! This whole guilt thing is very entrenched within me. It affects my level of self worth, which in turn affects my ability to attract money into my life, which in turn increases the level of guilt relative to money. It’s almost humorous how insanely and cleverly embedded this all is. It’s self perpetuating to a degree and that’s just like, “ugh, stop it me!”.

What has prompted this wave of everything is being told I didn’t get the job after doing an interview yesterday. I thought I was alright about it but then my mum asked about it and I nearly started crying when I said no. It made me think about how I must look like a failure and brought up my cyclic train of thought about my intrinsic value, or lack thereof (hello low self worth, nice to see you again). I started worrying about when I have to tell my employment provider (an organisation the government connects you with who helps you apply to jobs and such if you are a job seeker) that I failed, again. So there’s that. Then it makes the thoughts about me being a spiritual guide or intuitive or whatever and not doing so great at that begin to swirl around like a pretty damn volatile tornado in my head.

I am not built for working in ‘normal’ jobs but I decided to try and see the positives of the situation and tried to actually ‘want’ and ‘go for’ such jobs. Having failed at that makes me reflect on what else I’ve got going for me… I’m psychic and have this huge urge to help others but I haven’t done much of it. And y’know what? It’s probably due to my low self worth (don’t have the confidence in my abilities to really go for it), which creates the shit money cycle, which creates a situation where I have to lean on my parents, which creates the guilt, which contributes the self worth issue. So wtf.

The answer is, of course, to do shadow work (I.e. find the root belief (pretty sure it’s ‘I am worthless’) and heal it). I have done it once…but I obviously didn’t convince myself enough when I went to heal it. And now I can’t bring myself to do it (it was really hard to get myself to do it the first time too) because of the immense pain I know I will feel. What I should do is utilise Teal Swan’s emotional body techniques/do inner child work. But I can’t because of the block of fear – fear of the pain. So I feel really really fucking stuck.

And that’s my story, for tonight.

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