bipolar disorder

Teal Swan Frequency Painting

The Cold, Resistance, Hibernation and Bipolar Disorder

I have been in a kind of hibernation this week.

This weather makes me so cold and unable to do anything.
I have tried, every Winter, to change my attitude about the colder weather so I can experience a sense of normalcy when it comes round… But try as I might, this does not seem to have been successful. And that’s probably because I was doing it out of resistance. I was trying to change how I feel because part of me judges that I ‘should’ not be affected by something so ‘trivial’ as the weather. This is where positive focus does not work… because your positive focus is a vibrational ‘lie’. Example lies I tried haha:
“I am still able to function amidst this cold air.”
“I am in control of my energy levels, not the weather. I should be fine with this. I am fine with this.”

It doesn’t work.

Even more ‘positive’ ones like really noticing what I do enjoy in the day despite the cold weather…and also trying to note things I do like that are present because of the cold weather… E.g. :
“I like when I can be wrapped up in a million blankets in my room with the heater on with my cats, it’s cozy and I like that feeling.”
“I like using my heat blanket. I like the feeling of warmth on my feet under the covers.”
“I like drinking hot chocolate within cold-feeling air.”

Whilst these are true, their drive is false. The drive to notice was one done so out of resistance to the present, to the weather.

So, here I sit and I admit: I HATE THE COLD WEATHER. I CANNOT FUNCTION IN THIS WEATHER.
(Warning: Resistance-free rant about my true feelings about the cold weather coming up…)

I hate the cold air on my face, on my ears and nose. I hate that I can get so tucked into the blanket but no matter what I do my face will always have to bare the cold (unless I wear a balaclava? haha).
I hate that I have to wear 2 or 3 layers of clothing instead of 1. I hate that I have to wear jumpers, which I find fashionably limiting. I hate that I have to have the heater on and then the electricity bill increases dramatically. I hate that I look out the window and sky is just grey and so so unappealing. I hate being in the rain – I hate getting wet. I go outside for like 5 seconds in Autumn/Winter I.e. Rain and then my clothes are slightly damp for the next hour or so. If I want to avoid this I have to put my jacket and boots on, or have an umbrella. I do not like these additions. I hate when the sky is blue and sunny but you go outside and it’s all a big lie because it’s still like -1000 degrees! I hate that my hands always feel cold and kind of stiff… which makes me type slower and also it hurts more if I accidentally bang them against the door or something.
LIKE, LET’S BE REAL: WINTER! YOU SUCK!

SOOOOOOOOOO… Moving on. Sort of.

This week I have spent half of my time being annoyed at my inability to function and trying to break out of this weird forced cocoon way of living, to no avail…and half my time just giving up on the resistance and simply being completely non functional. I’ve basically been living in my bedroom, in my bed, with the door closed, with the heater and the electric blanket on. I have come out to the lounge room etc and attempted to be productive and function properly multiple times but always inevitably returned to the warm nest of blankets and sleep.

The majority of it is to do with the cold. Some of it is to do with me coming off of some medication I was on. Some of it is to do with the current energetic shifts occurring within the collective/Earth at the moment.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder when I was approximately 19 years old. I had a terrible time emotionally growing up and as a young adult until I finally ‘hit bottom’ and thus went to the doctor, got diagnosed and went on medication. My life experience greatly improved after that.

Being on medication allowed me to have the calm of mind needed to rediscover myself and know who I really am minus heavy and often painful emotional swings. The excavation towards the buried true self began.

Here we have come to the finality of that excavation. Here I have found myself standing at a precipice of who I thought I was and who I really am. Here I touch who I have always been but never knew. And so, in the last week, I have finally stopped all medications I was on for Bipolar Disorder/GAD.

One by-product of doing this is the effects of medication withdrawal. This has meant that regardless of the weather, I would still have been experiencing a lot of what I have experienced this week… dizziness, disassociation, anxiety and heightened sensory arousal i.e. feeling hyper aware of everything in my environment.
It has been approximately 4 days since I stopped my medication and today is the first day I feel I am close to ‘normal’ – as normal as I can be with this weather, that is.

There is a kind of ‘coming out’ feeling with this. I am slightly expectant of ridicule and excessive worry from people because everyone has heard that ‘bipolar patients are known for not taking their medication’… and, like people expect you to have an ‘episode’ or go off the deep end because Bipolar is thought of as an ‘incurable’ ‘disorder’.

Despite that, there is a feeling of intense empowerment I feel about this. I feel SO good about it and CONFIDENT in my ability to manage my moods. And you know how? Through the power of monitoring my thoughts and focus and by staying aligned with who I really am. And through self love and self care, which I am learning how to do, day by day.

What I have learnt through intuitive channeling and of course my own experience is that: people who receive a diagnosis of bipolar disorder are usually those who have never felt permission to be themselves. It was never okay to be sensitive and so they felt resistant to this aspect of themselves. This resistance enhanced that sensitivity (what you resists persists! I.e. You manifest more of whatever you are focusing on, this is the law of this mirror universe) until a full on chemical imbalance is created, the ‘chemical/emotional ceiling’ is broken, disappears.

Those with Bipolar disorder did come into this world more sensitive than others yes, but it was never supposed to get so bad that we would declare it a disorder, that it would become life threatening. As I heard the spiritual teacher, Teal Swan, say once, these people are ‘a sensitive compass’. The emotional (/chemical) reaction to your thoughts is much stronger than ‘regular’ people, this means you can get on a negative OR positive spiral much more easily and quickly than others. This means your thoughts are POWERFUL. This means monitoring one’s thoughts and consciously choosing those that feel good is very important.

This also means that you are an amazing creator. Every thought you think has a strong emotional response behind it thus it has a very strong, magnetic point of attraction to it. People with bipolar disorder are creators to it’s fullest extent. Additionally, our desires give birth to very strong pulls on the collective as we weave what we wish to manifest towards us, so too does that draw affect the collective. Our influence is vast.

Anyway, the point is that it is okay to be a sensitive compass. And I now know how to steer.

Featured Image: ‘Positive Focus’ by Teal Swan
Frequency Paintings by Teal Swan

Advertisements
sunlight tree

Goodbye Summer, Hello Mystery: Of Autumn and Gold

Life feels very mysterious to me at the moment. I am observing it and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I am trying to just roll with it. I have so many feelings swirling in my mind and heart that are writing themselves into a lot of poetry and singing themselves out through a new inspiration to play guitar.

I think a lot of it has to do with me coming off of Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI – SNRI – Antidepressant/Anti Anxiety medication). I didn’t know it, but it was indeed suppressing some of the purer aspects of my being. No wonder my creativity fell away. My creativity resides in my feelings that were then drowned in chemical waters.

I knew/noticed that my creativity had gone when I went on antidepressants. I used to write poetry every day. I have hundreds, possibly thousands, of poems on my hard drive that I began writing in 2005 (ish). I used to play guitar (a little) as well. Also, I noted that my sacral chakra has been blocked up until maybe 6 months ago when I became aware of it (the sacral chakra – the seat of one’s creativity).
As you can see from this blog, I am writing more and more poetry once again… I am feeling more.

And we could speak of concern about me falling back into depression and sleepless nights, that this is a precursor to that. But this time it’s different. I am more whole. I am who I truly am in these days, more than ever before.
I don’t just feel the sad songs, I feel the happy songs too. I hear their joy and I can embrace it. I feel my pain and I can face it. (<—just the thoughts in my head are becoming more and more poetic, also).
I am more aware of my pain and it hurts. I am also more aware of my joy, and that’s…something else.

I’m actually taking some serious spiritual steps towards healing my broken heart and the unintegrated aspects of my consciousness at the moment. I’m braver than I was before.

Summer has left and I barely noticed. But now as I do, I look out the window and I see the grey and I’ll admit, I am struggling to see the beauty of that. But the point is that I want to, the point is that I am trying.

I suppose Autumn is a time of change, a time of mystery. Perhaps Autumn will teach me how to allow my bright green to gently fade to gold. Gold is beautiful. I like gold.

There are silhouettes singing in the trees
Somehow blowing the wind that sways the leaves
And Autumn, she calls me

She is all my dreams of untouched sighs
And quiet minds, tired eyes
I see gold through all of the mystery
That surrounds me

I see gold growing all around me
Weaving through the gardens that could be
Delicate loops of hope
For Autumn

She holds all of my dreams
And she grasps them carefully
And I look to see
If what I want will be
But all I see
Is gold

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

mental health brain

Cymbalta (SNRI Medication) Tapering Off/Withdrawal

I think it’s been almost a week since I took my last (30mg) Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI) tablet.
The following is what I have been experiencing as result:

  • Chills/hot flushes – sometimes in separate areas on my body e.g. legs are cold but head and arms are on fire.
  • Nausea. A lot of nausea.
  • First couple of days – really tired.
  • Irritability. That was something I struggled with a lot before going on any medication. Apparently it goes under the heading of ‘hypomanic symptoms’. But now that I am more self aware I am really going to try and get to the bottom of such responses instead of just being like, ‘oh well, stupid bipolar. can’t do anything about those.’
  • Very slightly blurred vision – really hoping that one will go away soon. Super annoying.
  • Few days after the initial few feelingreallytired days I actually had increased energy levels. I even had the urge to ‘get busy’ which is why I created that HOLIDAYS special going on at my site (for my animal communication and psychic channelling services) – want more customers to have more to do!
  • Enhanced emotional response to sad or touching scenes in tv shows/stuff on the news/beautiful music – like literally, tears welling up about 1 second into the family hug on ‘Modern Family’, I’m like, ‘IT’S JUST SO WONDERFUL FOR THEM’. Then when it’s gone a second later, ‘whattt the heck was that about me’.
  • Off and on I have felt like there was ‘all this energy coming at me’ like pin pricks from all directions. It’s been a thing of mine where I see/read/feel non physical energy, sometimes, in the form of TEXTURES. And it’s not like I feel it as a physical sensation but it’s like…those are the best describing words…and yea I just felt all the energy poking me and shooting at me. It was okay but once or twice it seemed to be ‘coming from’ the TV and I was like ‘aaahh!’ and had to move away from it. I can’t remember what I was looking at but I remember wondering why I would be feeling that because it wasn’t anything that had a particular emotional charge or feel behind it. I think I was just scrolling through Reddit or something absent mindedly…
  • Cold/flu like symptoms in the way of sniffing and (very slight) sore throat. Granted, I may actually just have a cold coming on but I also think I read somewhere it can be a side effect of discontinuing Cymbalta so it’s going on the list anyways…
  • At night when I go to bed, I am trying to ‘feel my feelings’ instead of blocking them out by scrolling through facebook on my phone until I fall asleep. My phone has actually broken at the moment and I’m using a crappy not-a-smart-phone one where I can’t use the internet on it…perhaps this is the greater reason why that occurred…so I would be forced to feel my feelings at night that I usually try to avoid. I am pretty good at allowing myself to feel it all during the day but I have always been really thingy about it at night time… It is odd that in this time of emotional sensitivity I have come to a place of consciously ‘facing my feelings’ at night… Speaking of which, I had a dream about it all where I got some answers relative to some particular emotional issues I have been thinking about. Perhaps that was a by product of me choosing to face it all just before I went to sleep…so yay! This has gone on this list because I wonder if a) the emotional sensitivity I feel is somehow inspiring me to consciously be in a space of consciously feeling more and/or b) the medication was part of what was blocking me from all of that^.

And well, that seems to be all so far. The hot flushes/cold chills and the nausea is what is bothering me the most. Combining that with the waves of extra energy is simply annoying…cause I wanna go do stuff cause I’m energetic yet I can’t because I feel sick. Erggh.

BUT I AM MOSTLY OKAY AND GLAD : )

light snow gif

Stuck

I am becoming wholly disillusioned with the job market, career and all that. It is not often that I feel the wave of faith slipping away from me but it is an occasional, inevitable, aspect of my life experience.

It’s moments like these that childhood becomes a fairytale that is long since gone…Alas, I (and we) know that it is a distortion that has affected the memories due to the feelings of the now (most of the time, I guess parts of it are fairytale-esque). When I refer to my childhood in a wistful way, I am mostly referring to times before the age of say 11 or 12. It is then, I think, when the effects of Bipolar started to really show themselves in my life…I read over my old diaries a while ago that live in a box, in my old bedroom at my parent’s house…and they are quite sad from the time they began, which was at about age 11. They continue mostly in the same vein of emphatic expression of pain until they end at about 16… I think that was when I started really just sticking to online journaling (livejournal). I do have some print outs of those entries. They also continue to express pain and A LOT of sad poetry.

Anyway, I feel faithless at the moment which is unlike the most-of-me that I know. As I express sadness, I always have another part of my mind that is going on about how it’s all okay in the broader perspective of things, how it will all be okay. And it’s kind of annoying because then I make myself feel silly/guilty/invalidated relative to my depressive feelings. That is something I am working on.

I am and always have been in a constant turmoil relative to money. Money and guilt (from being semi-supported by my parents) and guilt about past actions (mostly related to those actions and interactions with others performed whilst in the sea of bipolar hitting like a storm around the age of 17, so perfectly forgiveable, but that’s the rational mind…the emotional mind is still sunk at the bottom of the sea, keeping myself anchored down with tons of guilt).
My other ‘thing’ is this hole in my heart (like a literal auric hole in my energy system) due to past (romantic) relationship traumas.

Whilst I have healed from the aforementioned (excluding the ongoing guilt/money issue), I haven’t at the same time. And I keep wanting to face it and I feel this ‘I should, I need to, I must!’ guilt for not doing so as well! This whole guilt thing is very entrenched within me. It affects my level of self worth, which in turn affects my ability to attract money into my life, which in turn increases the level of guilt relative to money. It’s almost humorous how insanely and cleverly embedded this all is. It’s self perpetuating to a degree and that’s just like, “ugh, stop it me!”.

What has prompted this wave of everything is being told I didn’t get the job after doing an interview yesterday. I thought I was alright about it but then my mum asked about it and I nearly started crying when I said no. It made me think about how I must look like a failure and brought up my cyclic train of thought about my intrinsic value, or lack thereof (hello low self worth, nice to see you again). I started worrying about when I have to tell my employment provider (an organisation the government connects you with who helps you apply to jobs and such if you are a job seeker) that I failed, again. So there’s that. Then it makes the thoughts about me being a spiritual guide or intuitive or whatever and not doing so great at that begin to swirl around like a pretty damn volatile tornado in my head.

I am not built for working in ‘normal’ jobs but I decided to try and see the positives of the situation and tried to actually ‘want’ and ‘go for’ such jobs. Having failed at that makes me reflect on what else I’ve got going for me… I’m psychic and have this huge urge to help others but I haven’t done much of it. And y’know what? It’s probably due to my low self worth (don’t have the confidence in my abilities to really go for it), which creates the shit money cycle, which creates a situation where I have to lean on my parents, which creates the guilt, which contributes the self worth issue. So wtf.

The answer is, of course, to do shadow work (I.e. find the root belief (pretty sure it’s ‘I am worthless’) and heal it). I have done it once…but I obviously didn’t convince myself enough when I went to heal it. And now I can’t bring myself to do it (it was really hard to get myself to do it the first time too) because of the immense pain I know I will feel. What I should do is utilise Teal Swan’s emotional body techniques/do inner child work. But I can’t because of the block of fear – fear of the pain. So I feel really really fucking stuck.

And that’s my story, for tonight.

cat girl art

Things I think People think about Me

I find this really emotionally soothing for some reason.
I realise some may be wrong, and some are right.
Maybe it’s because I have the inner conflict I think a lot of us do, “I don’t give a fuck what others think! I am confident, I believe in myself.” but also, “I do care”. I think I hold resistance to the idea of caring, and say to myself it’s not okay. But I am learning more and more that we are a sea of contradictions, it is part of what makes us these conscious complicated beings. How could we be any other way? We are all these messy balls of thoughts and feelings that interact with one another, entwining ourselves more and more. You can fight the knots or realise that you can’t stop them, you just need to try to accept them, together. And even if you never do, accept that too.

Although this may appear as a negative thing for me to do, I am telling you this feels cathartic…resistance release, I think. And it’s all kind of funny, so here we go:

The things I think people think about me:

whoa she talks to animals she is insane, you can’t talk to fucking insects SCIENCEBIATCH
rose tinted glasses are her middle name
way too honest TMI
how can she just confess her weirdness to everyone so easily
okay this girl is insane
I don’t get this girl at all
pretty cool hair man
sweet tattoo man
oh it’s a bit crooked man
(apparently one time someone said I was) kickass for not giving a fuck (about what others think relative to my spiritual self, truths, abilities, beliefs etc) (YES!)
omg vegan sheisjudgingmesheisjudgingmeiheartmymeatdon’ttakeitawayyy
way too obsessed with taylor swift
animals are not THAT great
internet addict
well I started talking to her because I think she’s hot but now I’ve realised she’s a new age hippy I feel the urge to run and warn others, and also check out her blog to see if she’s written about me (because I’m sure she was analysing me psychically the whole time we were interacting)

ursula disney gif

How people see you once you tell them you’re psychic

brave/crazy for being friends with her exes
no friends nelly
hunchback
crazy cat lady
financial disaster
get a real job already hobo
doctor who is not THAT great
doctor who addict (in a ‘that is not cool/weird’ kind of way)
pretty cool that she reads comics
pretty cool that she digs reddit and gets internet memes
pretty cool that she likes x-men and other marvel stuff
Note: ^ seems to be mostly guys’ reactions
such a contrasted person
/reads blog/site – oh she seems to think she knows everything
omg starseeds? aliens? being spiritual is one thing, this is just ridiculous shit, wut
getting pretty sick of her repeating ‘you should only do that which brings you joy’ or ‘only do what feels good’ or saying ‘i didn’t do it because I intuited it would not bring me joy’ (I heart my life quotes anyways you guys, you’ll benefit from it in the end 🙂
she really needs to ‘do’ more (these people don’t know of my inner power, knowledge and ambitions – I’m changing the world via example, I’m even changing you [or rather inspiring you to change you, to feel joy] and I’m not afraid to believe it, most days anyway)
she makes me feel like I’m not crazy, that thing that happened was more than coincidence/I do have abilities/I doubt myself less
if she can get over bipolar disorder, I can survive insertsituationhere
since she had bipolar disorder, she will understand, I feel like I can tell her things
oh god she has bipolar she is insane and is going to have a breakdown on me
dear god I hope this bipolar person has taken her meds she will surely burn my house down otherwise
this is a really understanding and non-judgemental person
this is a really open and curious person, an attractive mystery
I’m so glad she just told me all this stuff about her, now I feel better about me and my shit
funny in an ‘off’, random and intensely sarcastic kind of way
howdoIsocialwiththiscreature
(I think sometimes maybe people think) she has her shit together (I don’t)
why does she live in her pyjamas doesn’t she feel weird that’s kind of weird
who owns eight doctor who shirts yo who does that man
pls stop talking about your cats
pls don’t make me look at more photos of your cats
why does she use two c’s in ‘Becc’ (I don’t even know how it started, it just did, sometime in kindergarten)
i think she’s a witch pls don’t turn me into a toad

I thought of a thing to summarise:

I don’t need applause approval.

Discontinuing Antidepressants (Bipolar Disorder 2): Day 2

bipolar owl meme

Bipolar Owl

I was going to write some kind of formal journal for this process, but I don’t think I would be inspired everyday to keep up with it. So, I’m just going to write about this when I feel like it. I will probably compile into some kind of more impressive article sometime in the future. Anyway, so:

I have diagnosed Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It is my opinion, however, that the anxiety disorder has passed and was more a symptom or consequence of when the Bipolar had a stronger hold on me, back in the day, when I was first diagnosed and such.

This diagnosis is what propelled me further into my spiritual journey and thus I now have many new thoughts and beliefs about Bipolar Disorder/other mental illnesses, their cause and how best to treat them.
Regardless of that, I am not in disagreement with my diagnosis or ‘one of those people’ who think that modern medicine and pharmaceutical treatments do not have their place in certain circumstances when it comes to health and well-being. It’s more like – I appreciate them and support their use for short periods of time, but I know them not to be the cure now (for anything). If I had not gotten onto medication at that time in my life, simply put, I would have died. I would have killed myself if that chemical balance was not treated and levelled via the prescribed medicines.

bipolar owl meme dsm

Bipolar Owl

Since being diagnosed when I was 19, (I am 23 now, by the way) I have been on an SNRI called Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI) and Lamictal (Lamotrogine). Cymbalta treats my depression and anxiety, the Lamotrogine is used as a mood stabiliser – it manages the hypomanic symptoms/episodes, or ‘the highs’ that come with bipolar disorder (Lamotrogine is actually an anti-epileptic but is used by a lot of doctors for managing bipolar disorder type 2 as well).

The prescription was for 120mg of Cymbalta (2 60mg tablets, 1 in the morning and 1 at night) and 400mg of Lamotrogine (2 200mg tablets, 1 in the morning and 1 at night).

Two years ago I reduced the Cymbalta to just 60mg.

Last year I reduced the Lamotrogine to 300mg.

It is only in this year that the lowering of the dosages have been implemented with the intention of actually removing the medication. At first I just wanted to lower them to reduce the amount and strength of the annoying side effects that these medications cause.

This year I reduced the Cymbalta to 30mg and I reduced the Lamotrogine to 200mg.

As of two days ago, I am now taking the 30mg of Cymbalta every second day, with the intention of stopping completely in a few weeks. My doctor said that if I am managing at 30mg it’s a good sign because apparently it is not usually a prescribed amount at all because it’s so low, and is only used when people are just starting or are coming off of Cymbalta.

The Lamotrogine is sticking around for now. We will see how we go. But I am already noticing the effects of lowering the Cymbalta to this degree, which are as follows:

– Irritability/easily irritated. Irritability is a lesser known symptom of bipolar disorder – it comes under the umbrella of the hypomanic symptoms. I would not say that I am or have been feeling hypomanic properly, just the irritability part. Also, I got my period last night, so the usual affect on mood that PMS can have probably played a role in this as well.

– Increased sensitivity to emotional music, film scenes etc. This began with the 30mg even before this ‘only taking it every second day’ thing. It’s nothing drastic. It’s just a stronger swell of emotion. I find this particularly interesting because maybe it means that the medicine was suppressing not just intense depressive emotional responses, but also normal, natural ones too. Not cool, medicine, not cool.

– I am starting to see more non-physical activity e.g. energy moving through the air, faeries floating around, auras etc. As explained in this blog post, when it comes to my ability to literally see psychic stimuli with my physical eyes, as opposed to using my inner, third eye, I am still a learner.

– Yesterday I was very dizzy for about half an hour or so (had a nap after that so who knows, it may have continued if I’d stayed awake), but I am pretty sure that was mostly due to the crazy solar flares going on at the moment (far out they are intense!), but we’ll add it to the list just in case. (I am very sensitive to strong solar flare activity. See this cool website for more info about that: http://www.carliniinstitute.com/solar_flare_symptoms)

– Aaand today I have a headache. But I could just have a headache.

Conclusion – Today’s Mental Health Thought:

“I have to say that knowing how to really feel my true emotions and allowing them, identifying the thoughts that caused my emotions and allowing them, has saved me and will continue to save me. Healing those thoughts and replacing them with more positive thoughts, in that moment, that’s the cure. Now, breathe and repeat this in the next moment as well, and the next, and the next, and the next…. That’s the cure.”