chaos

emily balivet

A Month of Chaos, I Find Me Still

I feel like I’ve been drowning and like things have been a crazy and intangible tornado spinning all around me and I haven’t been able to touch anything. Nothing feels still. Everything spins around me and I have watched it spin so fast until it simply crumbles into poetry and a sea I felt I would surely drown in. But I’m somehow still here.

I think, this month, I have learnt and am still learning how to swim in chaos. The technique is simple: Don’t. Don’t even try. Because as you frantically paddle around and try to find a rock to hang onto or to touch the ocean floor you’ll find nothing there but more water. After all the trying and finding that nothing is there, the exhaustion hits and you realise you are going to drown. And so you go, you do.

Except you don’t. You float.

And it’s so surprising it scares the hell out of you for a moment, because you aren’t touching anything and everything is still falling, the tornado is still spinning all around you, but you’re floating and still and free. It barely makes sense and there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make sense of it.

I am in the eye of the storm and I can’t make sense of it. But this is how I feel.

I feel like I am floating in the sea of the intangible nothing.


Last night I felt a shift in my consciousness and I wrote about it on a spiritual forum, querying others of their perspective on it. Someone wrote that we are amidst the shift of ‘The Becoming’. I agree. I am conscious of myself amidst myself BECOMING something MORE.

At present I am under the impression that my higher self holds the name, Asteria. I tend to get caught up in names when it comes to my guides. I am just very word-y, language orientated, so I’m always after words and names. It is also why I am predominantly claircognizant. It’s all words words words and less clairsentience etc, (though I am improving with that, slowly but surely). Anyway, because I want to know so badly, sometimes the information that comes through is a bit muddied. So let me preface this by saying I am 90% sure that Asteria is my higher self name. Regardless, I feel some kind of connection to that, and I wonder if I am BECOMING her more… but it would be rather, that I am RETURNING or being REBORN. It sounds over dramatic but at present there’s no other way of explaining how I feel. The name Asteria does feel familiar to me, it feels like a memory.

Edit: Also, I will just add here I think it might be Asteria OR Aurora due to a bunch of other synchronicites and messages. As I said, it gets a bit muddied. And it doesn’t matter that much anyways. It is just nice to have a name as reference point for when I am talking to her (this higher self me is simultaneously a spirit guide for me at present).

Anyway, Asteria is the greek goddess of the stars and was born from chaos. So too was/am I.

Asteria is the Greek Goddess of the stars, prophetic dreams and necromancy. She is one of the Titans and daughter to the God Coeus and the Goddess Phoebe who were both original Titans born from chaos. Asteria is known for reading the stars (astrology) and prophetic dreams. She and her husband, Perses, God of destruction, are parents of the Goddess Hekate.
 
There is a myth involving Asteria in which her body becomes the creation of the island Delos.

Asteria was fleeing from the God Zeus who was sexually pursuing her. She transformed into a quail and threw herself into the ocean to get away from him. It was then that the God Poseidon pursued her and the quail she became then turned into the island Ortygia (quail) which later became known as Delos. It was there that her sister Leto, seeking refuge from the jealous Hera, gave birth to Artemis and Apollo. Asteria is sometimes referred to as Delos as the island was originally named after her. In myth it is said that this island fell from heaven like a star.
 
It is said that Asteria was a dream Goddess worshiped on her sacred island of Delos. She is known as the oracle of night and sends prophetic dreams. She is also said to be a Goddess of falling stars as well as necromancy. She dwells in the realm of night amongst the stars and dreams and also among the dead. Her daughter Hekate is also a Goddess of night, the dead and necromancy. Call on Asteria when reading the stars, before sleep and to communicate with spirits.” (http://loveofthegoddess.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/asteria-greek-goddess-of-stars.html)

I feel like I fell through the storm, was reborn out of the chaos and now I am an island.
(Featured Image by Emily Balivet)

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chaos art

Strange

This hope is treacherous
This daydream is dangerous
This hope is treacherous
I, I, I… I, I, I… I, I, I…

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night
And I will get you, and get you alone
Your name has echoed through my mind
And I just think you should, think you should know
That nothing safe is worth the drive and I will
Follow you, follow you home…
I’ll follow you, follow you home…

– Taylor Swift

/4amthesecondday/howstrangethatIdon’tknowyouatall

I AM DETERMINED TO BE HAPPY SOMEHOW

I will hang onto the beautiful things.

Today I had a thought…

Today I had a thought… We all live our lives with the notion that happiness is a goal – I’ll be happy when I’m married and in love, I’ll be happy when I’m fit, I’ll be happy when…I’ll finally be happy when…
But the only constant in this world is change – the contrast – the things that make us unhappy…they are just things and you choose how you react.
Happiness is not a destination…it is here, it is now…and now and now and now and now and now… what you choose to notice is what is. We are always sitting in the happiness we are looking forward to, that distant fantasy is already here in incremental moments, if only we take notice.
There will never be stability, and if there was constant stability, constant sameness…you would not be happy for long. Appreciation is lost without the contrast of what it is like to not have what you have, to not feel how you feel, to know lack of happiness is necessary to have happiness at all and in it’s truest form. Anything other than this would not be genuine. This life is genuine because it is beautiful because it has darkness, it is peaceful because it has chaos, it is temporary…because we are forever.

 

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne