I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).
Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.
Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).
I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.
I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.
Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.
I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.
I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure
P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.
I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”
– Only Human by Christina Perri