emotion

Scars on Hearts

I used to think  I was a strong person. But maybe I was just lying to myself.

The fact that I’m still alive with scars on my wrist is what helps me keep telling the lie.

But honestly, although I like to think that I could love someone again, I don’t know that I could.

People leave and then you’re alone and crying.
And though it’s great in the beginning, and usually the middle. There’s always the end. Always.

Being broken up with twice, and breaking up with someone once due to them clearly not loving me any more…so basically, having three people fall out of love with me, leads one to believe in one’s flaws more than one’s (apparent) positives.
They saw too many flaws and faults, so they left. And that’s the truth of it.

 

 

No amount of positive thinking can change that bottom line.

 

dancing woman

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Pause for the Dark

Pause for the Dark (Your Sometimes Friend)

 

I pause for the dark

Looking for some kind of sign

But you’re not anywhere to be found

Yet your silence is so god damn loud

 

Water’s falling

On the creaking floor boards

Rain’s flooding at my feet

But you don’t move

It’s not your problem

‘get yourself a towel’ you say

As I get washed away

I washed away

 

I left behind a trail of dust

That you explore with your fingers

But only at dusk

When I’m just

Air

Nothing there

Not stable enough for you to have to touch

Not real enough for you to have to love

Just there when you want me

Your sometimes friend

That’s all you wanted in the end

And I realised it way too late

 

oh god if I had have just been smarter

could this have hurt any harder

I don’t think so

Glad I won’t know

because I’m faded away now

now we’re at the end

Goodbye

Just take me back to the ocean.

 

 

On Losing Friends

I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).

Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.

Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).

I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
dying rose
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.

I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.

Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.

I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.

I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure


P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.

I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
cats sunlight

 

“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”

– Only Human by Christina Perri

Expressing the Feeling

I feel sad and like I’ve gone backwards. I know that is not possible. But it is another layer of the same vibration that has come about so it ‘feels’ like one is going backwards. Perhaps I should recall the fact that the worse something is that you go through, the more wonderful the other side will be. I said that last night actually. I think it was last night. My lack of sleep has kind of blended the days together as of late.

Why do I want what I know is bad? And if I know it’s bad, why do I want it? Why does that knowing not override the feeling… And I know the answer to that too – because of the hidden positive intention (self preservation…to be discussed at another time).

“But it was the perfect disease we had…
We all need someone to drive us mad.” (apparently).

I don’t know how many days it’s been. I don’t know the whys or the hows. But I do – I know all the answers. But I obviously…obviously I don’t.

The facts remain yet the feelings stain.
I wish they’d fade.
But these jeans are holding on tight
To old plans we laid.

I know if we were to rewind it would all go the same
But I keep playing it back
I hope someday I’ll forget your name
But I wouldn’t want that.