“Yesterday I went to the beach to experience the cool energy, the water (the sight, not the touch. Oh, the cold chills of salt ice, of Winter ocean… I miss Summer), the Earth who expresses herself as sand there, the expansive sky that stretches like a never ending canvas above my head, the stillness of the surrounding plant life and the air that wafts over me and into my lungs…”
“I moved to the heart chakra. I felt a curious emotional and ‘etheric sense’ of pain there. I realised I was facing more remnants of the heart chakra injury I have for so long endured that stems from repetitive emotional injury over the course of my life (I generally struggle with with an inability to experience or at least believe in emotional safety in this life. I feel emotionally safe about 65% of the time I think. This is slowly changing though)…” [click to read more]
“The creator being is a point of consciousness in a sea of many perspectives.
The creator being is like a telescope that has stretched farther than all other points of consciousness. The creator being is an investigator.
The creator being learns on behalf of Source, the ever expanding, pervading totality of all points of consciousness as one.
When the creator being comes down into the physical dimension there tends to be a lot of suffering. There is a fracturing, a splintering of consciousness that occurs over and over here in this realm.
As children we suffer deeply when we are taught to cut off pieces of ourselves in order to fit into society, to be labelled as normal, productive and conducive to this human society. But this is not humane. Because this was…” [click to read more]
“The reason you incarnated here was to be human on every level. Suffering is different to pain. Pain is a pure messenger that transforms. Suffering is the result of not allowing pain, of resisting it.
It is time to admit to why we are here.
We are here to be ourselves on every aspect, every level. We are here to feel ourselves. You cannot exist peacefully in…” [click to read more]
“I integrated an inner child aspect today who felt ‘powerless to the control of others’. She sat in front of me at 8 years old. We held hands as I listened to her. I told her how sorry I am she felt this way. I stroked her hair. We put our hand on one another’s heart to reconnect. I remembered that I am her and she is me. After much emotion, I said, ‘it is time’ and she re-joined my present consciousness. The integration occurred…” [click to read more]
I have been in a kind of hibernation this week.
This weather makes me so cold and unable to do anything.
I have tried, every Winter, to change my attitude about the colder weather so I can experience a sense of normalcy when it comes round… But try as I might, this does not seem to have been successful. And that’s probably because I was doing it out of resistance. I was trying to change how I feel because part of me judges that I ‘should’ not be affected by something so ‘trivial’ as the weather. This is where positive focus does not work… because your positive focus is a vibrational ‘lie’. Example lies I tried haha:
“I am still able to function amidst this cold air.”
“I am in control of my energy levels, not the weather. I should be fine with this. I am fine with this.”
It doesn’t work.
Even more ‘positive’ ones like really noticing what I do enjoy in the day despite the cold weather…and also trying to note things I do like that are present because of the cold weather… E.g. :
“I like when I can be wrapped up in a million blankets in my room with the heater on with my cats, it’s cozy and I like that feeling.”
“I like using my heat blanket. I like the feeling of warmth on my feet under the covers.”
“I like drinking hot chocolate within cold-feeling air.”
Whilst these are true, their drive is false. The drive to notice was one done so out of resistance to the present, to the weather.
So, here I sit and I admit: I HATE THE COLD WEATHER. I CANNOT FUNCTION IN THIS WEATHER.
(Warning: Resistance-free rant about my true feelings about the cold weather coming up…)
I hate the cold air on my face, on my ears and nose. I hate that I can get so tucked into the blanket but no matter what I do my face will always have to bare the cold (unless I wear a balaclava? haha).
I hate that I have to wear 2 or 3 layers of clothing instead of 1. I hate that I have to wear jumpers, which I find fashionably limiting. I hate that I have to have the heater on and then the electricity bill increases dramatically. I hate that I look out the window and sky is just grey and so so unappealing. I hate being in the rain – I hate getting wet. I go outside for like 5 seconds in Autumn/Winter I.e. Rain and then my clothes are slightly damp for the next hour or so. If I want to avoid this I have to put my jacket and boots on, or have an umbrella. I do not like these additions. I hate when the sky is blue and sunny but you go outside and it’s all a big lie because it’s still like -1000 degrees! I hate that my hands always feel cold and kind of stiff… which makes me type slower and also it hurts more if I accidentally bang them against the door or something.
LIKE, LET’S BE REAL: WINTER! YOU SUCK!
SOOOOOOOOOO… Moving on. Sort of.
This week I have spent half of my time being annoyed at my inability to function and trying to break out of this weird forced cocoon way of living, to no avail…and half my time just giving up on the resistance and simply being completely non functional. I’ve basically been living in my bedroom, in my bed, with the door closed, with the heater and the electric blanket on. I have come out to the lounge room etc and attempted to be productive and function properly multiple times but always inevitably returned to the warm nest of blankets and sleep.
The majority of it is to do with the cold. Some of it is to do with me coming off of some medication I was on. Some of it is to do with the current energetic shifts occurring within the collective/Earth at the moment.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder when I was approximately 19 years old. I had a terrible time emotionally growing up and as a young adult until I finally ‘hit bottom’ and thus went to the doctor, got diagnosed and went on medication. My life experience greatly improved after that.
Being on medication allowed me to have the calm of mind needed to rediscover myself and know who I really am minus heavy and often painful emotional swings. The excavation towards the buried true self began.
Here we have come to the finality of that excavation. Here I have found myself standing at a precipice of who I thought I was and who I really am. Here I touch who I have always been but never knew. And so, in the last week, I have finally stopped all medications I was on for Bipolar Disorder/GAD.
One by-product of doing this is the effects of medication withdrawal. This has meant that regardless of the weather, I would still have been experiencing a lot of what I have experienced this week… dizziness, disassociation, anxiety and heightened sensory arousal i.e. feeling hyper aware of everything in my environment.
It has been approximately 4 days since I stopped my medication and today is the first day I feel I am close to ‘normal’ – as normal as I can be with this weather, that is.
There is a kind of ‘coming out’ feeling with this. I am slightly expectant of ridicule and excessive worry from people because everyone has heard that ‘bipolar patients are known for not taking their medication’… and, like people expect you to have an ‘episode’ or go off the deep end because Bipolar is thought of as an ‘incurable’ ‘disorder’.
Despite that, there is a feeling of intense empowerment I feel about this. I feel SO good about it and CONFIDENT in my ability to manage my moods. And you know how? Through the power of monitoring my thoughts and focus and by staying aligned with who I really am. And through self love and self care, which I am learning how to do, day by day.
What I have learnt through intuitive channeling and of course my own experience is that: people who receive a diagnosis of bipolar disorder are usually those who have never felt permission to be themselves. It was never okay to be sensitive and so they felt resistant to this aspect of themselves. This resistance enhanced that sensitivity (what you resists persists! I.e. You manifest more of whatever you are focusing on, this is the law of this mirror universe) until a full on chemical imbalance is created, the ‘chemical/emotional ceiling’ is broken, disappears.
Those with Bipolar disorder did come into this world more sensitive than others yes, but it was never supposed to get so bad that we would declare it a disorder, that it would become life threatening. As I heard the spiritual teacher, Teal Swan, say once, these people are ‘a sensitive compass’. The emotional (/chemical) reaction to your thoughts is much stronger than ‘regular’ people, this means you can get on a negative OR positive spiral much more easily and quickly than others. This means your thoughts are POWERFUL. This means monitoring one’s thoughts and consciously choosing those that feel good is very important.
This also means that you are an amazing creator. Every thought you think has a strong emotional response behind it thus it has a very strong, magnetic point of attraction to it. People with bipolar disorder are creators to it’s fullest extent. Additionally, our desires give birth to very strong pulls on the collective as we weave what we wish to manifest towards us, so too does that draw affect the collective. Our influence is vast.
Anyway, the point is that it is okay to be a sensitive compass. And I now know how to steer.
You are a feeling being.
You will never stop feeling.
You will move into a place where these pains will fade, disintegrate upon their entrance into your open arms of acceptance.
Because you are. You are acceptance. All you have to do is be. Be present.
When you be, you are.
Fuck ever doing anything that is not in alignment with my highest good.
Fuck ever being anything that is not in alignment with who I truly am.
Fuck ever saying anything that is not in alignment with my highest truth.
Fuck ever being anything or anyone other than my soul.
All that matters is the spark of life in you and that it shines as brightly as it possibly can.
When you be or say or do anything that is not of your soul, your light dulls. All that fucking matters in this life is letting your unique, individual spark of life shine as brightly as it can, as brightly as it should. It’s natural state is to be permanently bright and luminary. It is dulled when we walk in shadows of resistance to who we really are.
So BE WHO YOU ARE in EVERY waking moment.
If you feel like shit, don’t force yourself to go to work because of societal pressure or fear about money. Yes, these are very very real concerns that are of course terrifying but there will come a point when you would rather your light shine brightly homeless than be dulled, dressed in a suit and tie. This point, when it comes, is unique to all. But there can always be the hope that we will align with this way of being without coming to a dramatic point in our life but rather, hopefully one day, it will simply be our way.
If you want to stay in bed all day, stay in bed all day. There is a reason you feel like this is what you need to do at this time. If you stay with this, it will eventually flow into something else, then that will flow into something else, then that will flow into something else and so on and so on, with the magnetic pull always flowing towards what is best for you at this time, what will bring you into alignment with the true brightness of your light.
How you feel matters, in every waking second your emotions and feelings are your exact instruction for what will bring you closest to your true light, the fastest. If you have to, treat your emotions like they are the teacher and you are the student. Listen to them and head towards the next thing that feels one step better than before, as they so often guide us to, and you will learn that they can be trusted to draw you to what you had been seeking all along, and eventually, hopefully, you will learn that you are them, the teacher, and they are the student, you are each one another, you are one and the same.
Don’t you see? Everything in this life is an illusion. It is an idealised perfection by someone else’s mind that you are now trying to become. The truth is only in you and you write it in every single moment of your existence, every breath you take, you are making the decision to either commit to or deny the illusion. Let yourself be free and think of what is best for you. If the illusion brings you comfort and joy then by all means experience it’s depths to the nth degree, the furthest reaches that you can. Exhaust the perspective and experience of being in, behind, below, beneath and within the veil but when it is time to leave, do not run, do not stay in a place you have written away with your most recent breath. You are done with that, you are done with the beauty and the pain that it held for you to learn and grow within. You are now beyond that and you are freer than ever before. You are not shackled, you are not in chains, you are just feared. You are feared by you because of the magnificence you know that you can truly be. It will shock and enthral you and you will lose every sentiment of the illusion that you held inside of you to be true. To relieve yourself of the burden of the veil is not one that is done easily most often, because you are not even aware that it is a burden until you step away from it and say, ‘ah, I feel so much lighter. I shine so much brighter. Could this have all been a dream?’ You will feel newness for the first time and fresh and as a child once more. It is terrifying to be a child, to be in that state of innocence and faith in a world that has taught you that it is safest to be the exact opposite. But in reality it is not to be feared, this child like state, for it is a state of strength and of great earned and learned wisdom over years and years. You cannot notice who you have always been if you did not first experience who you never truly were (the illusion). Take heed and know that now that you are free no one can stop you from being this great, effervescent, luminary, unstoppable, unbreakable, untouchable LIGHT of pure beauty and joy and most of all, FREEDOM.
I realised I have been slightly avoiding my journey… or rather, it’s destination.
Last night I went to a party and I had been talking with some people there about what I do as a spiritual intuitive. The word ‘psychic’ was thrown in there. Another girl who was not quite part of the conversation overheard and said, “Wait, you’re a psychic?!” I said, “Basically” she responded, “Oh! Does that mean you know everything about me?!!?!” I said, “yesss totallyyy… haha no, not at all.”
Last night I went to a party and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
Today I went to lunch with my family and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
If I had not been born into the family I was born into and received the negative imprint of ‘not belonging’ I would not have become who I am today and especially not who I am in this moment.
Last night and today I had a sudden surrender to the part of me that feels like I do not belong. Surrender as in, I allowed myself to feel not belonging. I stopped wanting to change it.
There is this idea that we MUST belong and if we do not belong then we are something bad or something negative and THAT is the pain of not belonging, not the not belonging itself.
I have found today that one can be perfectly peaceful in not belonging. I do not belong. Once I said those words to myself, I sighed and said it again, I do not belong. And then, THEN all these realisations came to me. I settled into not belonging and just as I did that I realised that me feeling that I do not belong is just another part of the reason that I DO belong.
I started to see myself as an essential piece of the puzzle that is my family.
I started to see myself as a beneficial contribution to the group of people that surrounded me at that party (this scenario – me in a group of people – is the perfect metaphor for my whole general feeling of not belonging, it is not an attribution to those people personally).
Because I am so sensitive and empathic I have been able to experience the majority of emotions that are on the human emotional spectrum. This makes me an excellent supporter for others in all areas of love (Note: I meant to only write ‘in all areas of life’ but when I went to write ‘life’ I ‘accidentally’, automatically typed ‘love’ instead. Oh, what a truth it is).
I am a unique person in most areas of society. I am a conscious creator. I am a helper and I help others to awaken, to become conscious of their own creativity.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have settled so deeply inside myself thereby discovering who I truly am quite quickly.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have fallen into depression/bipolar aka my ‘awakening’.
If I felt that I did belong I would not be able to completely empathise with others who feel that they do not belong.
If I felt that I did belong I would probably not be as connected to animals as I am.
Part of the problem has been that I have actually not been embracing this aspect of me, this aspect that I have deemed as not belonging and therefore wrong, an error, a mistake when really all of that wording and that wrongness can be replaced with unique.
When that girl said, ‘what WHO’S the PSYCHIC?!!’ and everyone looked at me and her reaction of, ‘oh no! you can know anything about me?!’ I felt a very intense wave of I-do-not-belong. I felt that I DEFINITELY DO NOT BELONG. I had already been feeling this way, as I do in general as I said but also as I do when it comes to large social gatherings, but in that moment I felt like I had just seen the evidence of this truth that I do not belong.
A truth that I had declared as truth in my mind a long time ago.
Later on I still felt not belonging, I felt I wanted to go home. But I stayed. I said to myself, “Maybe I can do this, maybe I will be alright.” And I stayed and I found that I looked around the room and people were laughing with me and talking to me of their own volition and it completely changed my view.
Nothing is ever definitively true except in your mind and your mind is malleable.
Today at family lunch I looked at my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband and my mum and dad and I considered each of them in my mind individually. As I glanced I started seeing or hearing or sensing or just knowing the ways in which I have helped them or could help them in their lives just by me being a part of this family.
My mum needs me to be someone who understands her and her emotional sensitivity.
My dad needs me to hold space for him as he unknowingly grieves and fears on the inside.
My brother needs me to teach him how to be unique in the world and have it be okay.
My sister needs me to be an emotional bridge for her when she falls.
My sister in law needs me to increase her trust in her ability to love unconditionally.
My brother in law needs me to show him that kindness is out there and that self love is of value.
I need each of them to be inspired to learn how to love myself unconditionally and how to find a home and make sense of a world that does not always make sense to me and that I do not always make sense to.
The problem has been that I have deemed all of my issues as wrong. AS issues. I have deemed all of the situations, circumstances or experiences in my life that cause me pain as WRONG and so I have suffered tremendously.
It is okay that I do not belong. It is okay that I feel that I do not belong.
It is okay that I feel I was born in the ‘wrong’ family.
It is okay that I feel others think I am ‘just wrong’.
(For both of the above: ‘wrong’ = mistake. I feel I am a mistake in these situations. I feel I am not as good as them. I feel there was some error in my creation and placement within this creation).
However. It is not possible for me to not belong because I am here. I belong in not belonging. It is my lesson. My home. My precious journey.
You belong everywhere. You belong in every moment that passes you by.
A lot of our pain comes from resisting our emotions. The fact is that YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL.
You can try to erase and/or force changing the feeling to a different, more positive feeling but this either perpetuates the strength of the feeling and it’s pervasiveness (when you focus on what you do not want (the feeling) you get more of what you do not want (the feeling) – this universe responds to focus only. It is not responsive to ‘want’ vs. ‘don’t want’, only focus), making it pretty much impossible for you to change it or erase it OR if you do manage to change or erase it (by running away from it, by resisting it), the feeling is suppressed, not truly gone.
This feeling that you do not wish to feel, that you have suppressed will then come up as an intense over reaction to something that triggers that same feeling at a later date (and could also manifest as illness or a point of attraction for negative experiences that will force you to feel that feeling once again).
It is okay to want to change a negative feeling to a positive feeling. It is not okay for you to do this by force because of the aforementioned consequences. You can only truly move past a negative feeling by allowing it to BE, allowing yourself to FEEL it. You WILL find that when you face it and feel the feeling, it will pass and it will naturally TRANSFORM into a more positive feeling state on it’s own.
Resistance is a dire disease of the human race at this time. Our negative emotions are not our enemy. They are our signals that we are not in alignment with what is beneficial for our highest good. They are signs that will lead you to your greater joy if only you allow them to be as they are and transform into the beauty they are intended to become.