fear

girl window art

Beauty, Blank, Begin.

I realised I downplay my beauty for fear of being seen.

Why (do I fear)? (What do I fear?)

Not sure.

Lately I have felt blank.

I realised it is a newness of being. I think my concept of time is falling away. My world has literally moved in slow motion a couple of times in the last few days. I saw the movement of reality slow. It feels stagnant but yet it is movement. It is the perfect time to create. To begin. That is what the now is. It is a single everlasting moment.

I dance in this moment of blankness, of beauty and of beginning for reasons yet unknown to me.

everything you ever wanted fear

What I Can’t Say

Here I stand
Braver than I ever can
Stand to be
There’s no way we
Should

But embers are burning deep
Tracing the heart that I can’t reach
And I feel like running away
All of the time
But part of me will stay
At the chance of –
What I can’t say

I’ve said I’ve fought flames before
But none have burned like this
I simply can’t afford
To put my armour down
Yet I am more
Sure
Of –
What I can’t say

3 days and nights afraid of the dark
But still running from the spark
How will I possibly get through this
When I can’t afford to miss
What I can’t say?

hope definition

Hoping on the Edge of A Cliff

I endeavour to become pure
Clear like snow
But I’ll never get there
If you don’t know

That I am here
Excruciatingly unsafe
Wearing war wounds
Showing them to the open air
Light shines through my hair
Makes it harder to bleed
As I blink in the bright

Wonder and wanderlust have never been mine
But this time I think I’ll try

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

Holding hope can make you more tired than every day put together…
But holding hope is who I am.

I always try to hold my thoughts within my own power. But they push and collide until I can’t hold on any more. They run away after childish and unrealistic hope, romantic notions and exhausting daydreams. But maybe that’s just my heart. And you shouldn’t fight your heart.

Hoping is something I struggle with accepting in me because it rips through all the walls I want to keep up that make me feel safe. It perseveres and it never gives up and it’s always there. And I guess it’s who I am. I’ll always hope and more than that, I/I’ll believe. And even I can’t tear it away from me. Even through all the tears I have ever cried, I’ve always just ended up finding myself in a sea of hope.

I want to become okay with my faith in life and my soul crushing/enlivening hope. I think hope requires you to face the cliff that hangs over the sea, standing in the wind with salt air stinging your eyes, and say, “I accept that there is danger here. There is risk. But here I’ll stand anyway.” And I’m so fucking scared of heights and danger. I touch it and it’s callous and cold like jagged rocks. But I still climb. And I end up hanging there on the end of the cliff, saying, “I’m here anyway.”

I’ll always be here. In the dangerous and unsafe hope.

courage quote

Knots, Mess, Life, Courage and Change

I feel like everything is going crazy.

– It’s already February 21st. How the hell did that happen?

– 2 arguments in the same day with the people closest to me recently. Only 1 of which is resolved.

– Psychic abilities advancing (can hear my guide more, see much more clairvoyantly – see this post if interested in reading more).

– Friends fading in and out of my reality. Painful first then I release, then they’re back, then they’re gone. Then they’re back.

– Final shedding of past relationships pain – to a degree. I still carry the tears and scars I am unable to face yet. But there is definitely some kind of detachment also happening.

– One of my kitties got sick. He’s fine. But that’s never happened before.

– I feel like I am connecting way more strongly to my higher self. This has led to many life improvements due to increased inspiration and moments of motivation. E.g. Random inspiration to start playing guitar again, wearing more floaty, pretty clothes (I know that sounds superficial but it truly isn’t – clothing can represent who you are inside), improving my diet (buying more organic food, reducing wheat/gluten intake, reducing the amount of sugar I eat – with hopes to eventually have none in my diet – definitely have a sugar addiction going on but this is the first time I have felt very strong, motivated urge to try to kick it), cleaning and updating my house a bit more, reduced chemical medication, improved mentality and increased motivation towards my business goals. I’m being inspired to help others more even beyond my own business. Just…in general. Openness and willingness to connect and try to help others heal themselves.

– I am in some kind of weird never-been-like-this-before stage of fearlessness – no, rather, I am being courageous: I am terrified of many things but I am doing them anyway. My guides have always told me that I have ‘fortitude’. I feel I am really conscious of how that is at the moment, and that the level has increased.

– Letting myself feel my feelings more and more.

– Trying to understand and utilise the benefits of being very sensitive.

The thing that makes it all seem intense and crazy is the fact that it’s all been very close together.

Ultimately, I think my overall vibration/frequency is increasing at a rapid rate. Things are being released painfully, beautifully and new things are being born perfectly.

Exciting things are on their way.

(Or at least, it is what I am trying to believe. I choose my beliefs. I am.)

I wrote this status thing the other day and I think it sums up what I’m trying to express:

“Life is a fucking mess. Like, that’s actually what it is. Life is this unexplainable, messy, chaotic, beautiful, insane, ever changing nonsense experience. So much can happen in a small amount of time. Even when it looks as though nothing has changed, the tables and chairs have all been thrown around the room by unseen, volatile forces and you missed it because you blinked, but then you’re in it. Life is a fucking wonderful, painful, shining mess.”

Meanwhile, my guide, Sahasrara, says to me (with images of knots in a rope joining to more of the same):

“Everything ties together perfectly. Everything will tie together perfectly. Everything will be alright.”

My conclusion:

“Even the things that look like knots in your life are just the bridges that bind together, to create perfect life.”

eye art

Being Highly Sensitive, Being Me: Part 1

“Over Sensitive”
“Too Dramatic”
“Irrational”
“Weird”
“Picky”
“Weak”

I don’t like bright lights. I rarely use the ceiling light at night time, I will usually only use soft lamps and candles. I try to have only warm yellow lights in my house (save for my rainbow fairy lights which I love). I’m not using my bathroom light at the moment because it’s a neutral/cool white. I bought some neutral/cool white fairy lights that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t like. I was hopeful that I would somehow become okay with them and it would be all good. This was because they were on sale and I had had trouble finding fairy lights in general. Now they’re hanging up in the lounge room and I don’t use them. I hung them up because I was determined to adjust somehow. I still switch them on every now and then in the vain hope that I’ll be suddenly okay with their light, but no, that has not happened. Even in the day time, I sometimes wish that night would come sooner so I could have soft light instead of the harsh-to-me regular daylight.

I am scared of escalators. My sense of balance is terrible. I’m not scared to the point where I won’t use them, but I have to be very conscious. I have to watch my feet and take a breath when I first step on to make sure I don’t step into the gap and fall to my death. I have to hang on to the railing. If I’m with a friend and they touch me or stand close behind or in front of me, I will freak out. At some of the train stations in the city, there are escalators that are quite long and very steep. I struggle to retain my balance on those. I have to hang on to the railing and look at my hand, or I’ll fall over. When I look anywhere else, I feel I’m starting to wobble. Also, I am the most un-coordinated person ever. I will miss my mouth when I eat on occasion, I will not catch that ball you’ve gleefully thrown… And yes, also, I’m scared of heights, terrified in fact.

There are certain fabrics that I can’t stand to wear. I would type them out but I don’t know what they’re called…I should start taking note. I can’t sleep on flannel or satin sheets or anything. They have to be cotton/polyester or something like that. If I’m sharing a bed with someone, I can’t have my pillow touch the other person’s pillow, at least until we turn the light off. Once I can’t see it it doesn’t bother me much. The pillow slip has to be straight. I hate the feeling of my cheek or head resting on a bunched up pillow slip.
I can’t have my hair touching me much (when I go to sleep that is). I need it to be flipped up so it’s not touching me on my cheek or face or ears etc.

When there are little glowing lights shining from electronics in the room I’m sleeping in, I have to either switch them off or cover them up. It doesn’t matter that once I close my eyes or face the other way I won’t see them. I know they’re there and it keeps me awake.
I have a bunch of other little before-bed things but you get the drift.

When I dislike a colour, I really dislike a colour. Olive green. Olive green and I are not friends. When I see something that is olive green, it is horrible. It is akin to someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard. It makes me shiver.

Loud noises, expected or unexpected are not my friend.

I dislike going to the movies because it’s too loud and big. There’s too much going on. I will block my ears a lot during a cinema experience.
I do go to loud events like a concert on occasion, but whilst there I am having a sort of difficult time: I’m enjoying the music, but hating the loudness. I’m having fun with my friend, but am extremely unhappy about everyone else’s presence. It is weird and difficult. I’m going to Taylor Swift with my friend, L, at the end of the year. I expect I will be listening and enjoying, but with my fingers in my ears. I blocked my ears a few times during the ballet performance I saw. It’s not because I’m not enjoying it, it’s not because I’m rude, it’s because it is unpleasantly loud. I don’t get how everyone else is not blocking their ears.

People who move really quickly, heavily, loudly or erratically…I will have a bad time interacting with you. I will be all right for awhile but will soon decide I need a break and may leave the room or something. I like gentle people.

My personal space bubble is apparently a bit bigger than others’. Additionally, I am not great when someone I am not good friends with touches me. I don’t like shaking hands even. It feels intimate and weird (and pointless). I don’t hug/kiss on the cheek people I don’t know, or like a whole bunch goodbye, even when it would be inadvertently singling them out (E.g. saying goodbye to group of good friends, hug each of them, don’t hug the friend of a friend who also happens to be there. Friend of a friend might feel weird. Sorry but I can’t do it). I hate kissing on the cheek hellos from strangers, friends of a friend, or relatives (who might as well be strangers because they are not present in my life except for Christmas). Wait, I will admit actually, I have done this on occasion. But afterwards I feel really weird and fake and invaded.

I can’t eat a banana unless it’s chopped up into slices. I mean, I can…but I don’t like to. It’s the texture. It’s weird and gross.

I mostly do not watch violent or scary movies or tv shows. I’m okay with punches here and there (re: marvel/dc movie/tv obsessions) and cool super heroes but nothing darker or harder than that. Watching such things makes me feel: emotional discomfort, physical discomfort, the emotions that come when I’m in physical pain and fearful. These feelings stay with me, they don’t fade away once the film or show has ended as this ever underlying sense of worry and concern. I will often have bad dreams following a violent film/tv show interaction also. I don’t watch or read the news much for some of these same reasons.

I am listening to what you aren’t saying.

End Part One…

(Highly Sensitive Person information @ http://hsperson.com/)

bloom quote

Fear of Failure/Paws on Hearts

The other day I was feeling upset because I had talked to Rose (one of my cats) and she told me she was upset that we had ‘stopped having sacred time’. She was talking about how I used to meditate and communicate with the animals more than I currently do. The main reason I stopped is because I doubted my abilities. And it upset her.

I have a massive ‘fear of failure’ complex relative to pretty much everything in my life. It leads me to the irrational response or reflex of ‘okay, if I don’t try I can’t fail, so I won’t’. This is not conscious at the time but it is something realised upon reflection, and it is very common from what I can tell.

Rose blamed the new(ish) cat Uriel for seemingly being the reason I stopped having that ‘sacred time’ with her and Panda (my other cat). I explained to Rose that it was just coincidental timing and that it was my fear, so it was my fault, not Uriel’s. After I explained this all to Rose I was feeling really upset about it. Uriel was sitting (basically) on me as I started crying. She reached up and put her paw on my heart and I knew it was to heal it.

cat and girl photo pink

Uriel and I

Rose was upset in general that we got another cat. She said it’s not what she wanted. So I’ve still been feeling really bad about it. But conflicted because I love Uriel and she’s not going anywhere..
Last night I explained to Rose about how I just got this feeling that we had to get another kitty, and that when I saw Uriel it was like, ‘omg. this kitty belongs with me. She belongs with our family. I just know it.’ I explained to Rose that it was the same feeling I had when I first saw her, and when I first met Panda too. I said it was really hard because I knew Rose would not like it that much…yet I still had this feeling. Rose started headbutting me (aka lovingly rubbing her face against mine) and saying she understands.

I also explained to her again that I stopped talking to them because of my own fear…fear of being wrong when I speak to them. I explained to her that it is hard for me to distinguish between me making things up in my head and me actually hearing them in my head. I told her that people aren’t like animals, we don’t talk in our minds normally, and it’s a learning process. She headbutted me again.

cat and crystal me

Rose and I

Later on that same night I saw Rose sitting quite close to Uriel. They both had their eyes half closed and I ‘felt’ that they were having a conversation. I swear I heard Rose saying sorry. There was a peaceful communion of some sort at least. I’m so glad.

It’s stuff like this, like Rose rubbing my face, and Uriel putting her paw on my heart, and the budgie at my family home starting to squawk like crazy to say, ‘it’s okay! it’s okay! you’re here now. it’s okay!’ when I started apologising over and over for his illness and that we hadn’t looked after him better…It’s stuff like this that makes me remember and realise that the animals are just so unconditionally loving and beautiful and despite my fears, I should keep trying. I should just keep trying because they are here for me.

And it’s not a special thing you know. Any one who puts the effort into knowing animals will get the same response from them and come to the same realisations…they are beings of wholeness, consciousness, love and feelings, just like us. They want to connect and they unconditionally love to the best of their ability. Explaining things to them really really helps, even if you don’t fully believe it, one should try. The worst that happens is that it works.

Rose and I are getting a bamboo palm, house plant tomorrow. We’re going to meditate and send love to it together and that will be our sacred time. It was her suggestion and I think it’s great.

I just spoke to two cats for a couple of people today and it went well and it was all good. I had the visions, I heard the words… I just need to remember these moments. Gotta remember: I can do it.

cat sleepy ginger

Panda and I

 

No More Fear, More Love

I think I’m just going to love everyone and everything. Even if they don’t love me back. I think I’m just going to start being one of those people who vibrantly love without reserve. I think I already am, at heart. I do already, really, love everyone and love everything I mean, I would say most of the time actually. And I’m proud of that. But there are some things and people and situations where I’m drowned in fear about it all. So here, now, this is me saying that I’m going to get better at it. No more reservation. Just love.

bird on deer's backMaybe a bit like this deer. He probably doesn’t know that bird very well, or at least at one point he didn’t know him, but he said sure, you can rest on my back for awhile, because I am a kind of giving creature and I have no reason to show you anything but love. So I’ll be like the deer. I’ll love anyone who comes into my experience and I’ll do what I can to provide them with the feeling of love, of being loved.

Parties, People and Fear

I went to a party last night.

  • I was enlightened more than ever before about the effect that alcohol has on my energy system.
  • I began to really crave a more interconnected society.
  • I met some nice people.

I’ve found that alcohol doesn’t really do that much for me. It does loosen me up socially a little bit, I guess, but only a little, even if I’m drunk, it’s not enough to say that it’s worth it any more. I think it’s because no matter how much alcohol I may ingest I am still just a different social creature when compared to most others at these parties I go to. It is interesting how much I have changed. I very much used to love getting drunk but last night and in recent previous nights I found myself thinking, “Why did I even drink that? It’s not even doing that much.” I am definitely saying, admitting it here – I am not someone who drinks alcohol for the taste. I am not a beer or wine connoisseur or lover of ‘insert spirit here’ on the rocks… I drink it because I feel like it will make me have a better time. Granted, some alcoholic beverages are in fact delicious like apple cider or Espresso Martinis, but if I was really after the taste only I would order a non-alcoholic apple cider and just an espresso, hold the Martini.

As of now, my energy system is just like bllearghhh. Not a hang over but just… blearrgh. I’m wearing my orgonite bracelet and I can see and feel the difference between the area of my body and energy field closest to the bracelet vs. the areas further away. My head, particularly is very foggy and gross. Around the skull there are small wisps of grey foggy energy going in and out of it, hence the feeling of ‘blearghh’. The front and back of my aura feels just icky and cloudy and like I need to breathe some light into there. Though, I must say there is something surprising going on – there is a strong violet/purple sort of jelly looking ball of light flowing between my chest and the first inner layer of the aura. I think it might be my connection to what I call ‘the one heart’ being particularly active at this time (the one heart: the collective heart chakra of humanity – you have your own but you are also connected to a larger energy system that belongs to humanity as a collective, as a whole being), probably because of my recent reflections relative to human interconnectedness that you will read below.
Additionally, I must add that I do believe that the higher my natural vibration is, the more sensitive I am to alcohol OR it’s that I am more psychically aware of the effects it has always had on my energy field. So, some breathing and stretching will soon be taking place. (Also, wearing a fluorite crystal necklace. I recommend fluorite for a general healing/cleansing effect, for anything really, it’s awesome). I kind of really just want to swim around in the ocean for an hour, I think that would help immensely. I miss Summer a lot. Anyway…

I met some great people last night. I am glad of that. We also did share some deeper conversations about life – mostly relative to the current unhealthy state of our societal environment… but even in those, I found myself not saying anything because I did fundamentally disagree with a lot of what was being presented – and I am not one to defensively present my opinion where it’s not relevant, but will and am more than happy to share it, if asked or if my ‘different’ opinion does become relevant and placeable. And I don’t mind being the one to disagree or the fact that someone’s perspective differs from mine. Always been pretty ‘meh’ about that.

The most fundamental and common thing that I’ve found that differs between me and others’ perspectives in these sorts of conversations is my understanding of consciousness. Like, most people are not ready to hear the perspective that believes that a rock and a stick have consciousness and that their life is just as precious as mine or a cat or a dogs. People are not ready to hear that changing society does not require protests and petitions all the time. Not to say that they don’t ever help…it’s just that, it becomes true that it really IS enough to just change yourself when one takes into account the way that energy and consciousness work to create an external reality.

buddha quote oneness

And I don’t ever expect anyone to agree (hopefully this sort of sad non-expectation will fade over time as we and the Earth move into a higher state of being in the upcoming years) with these ways of viewing life…what I mean when I say that people aren’t ready is that…they’re not ready to hear any differing perspective, not just mine, without feeling compelled to explain why it’s wrong or aggressively declare their disagreement (note: This is a generalisation and is not reflective of all people I have interacted with in the recent past). I never find myself upset at the fact that I am usually the one who holds a different perspective. It is the way that people sometimes react to these ‘extreme’ perspectives I hold that is the thing that can sometimes be upsetting, not the simple fact that they disagree. – Though admittedly, hardly ever finding people that are on the same page does sometimes cause a pang of loneliness during later reflection (where are my people? sort of thing).

It’s in those moments that I realise I crave a more strongly bonded and/or interconnected society. It’s like…if we had a real, deep heart connection I would know exactly who you are, and you would know exactly who I am, if we could just see all of each other, on the deepest level – then we both would automatically know that there’s no need for an aggressive way of disagreeing because we would know that it is okay to have differing perspectives, because we would know that a) the world won’t fall apart if one finds that one is ‘wrong’ and b) that there is no judgement, no negative thoughts towards each other, because we are already wholly and lovingly embraced.

It’s fear…it’s all about fear, really.

It is fear that results from the assumption that if we hold different perspectives, or if my perspective changes because I happen to start agreeing with this other, new perspective, then that means that I have been living my life ‘wrong’ this whole time, and it also means that this could happen again at any moment, because before now I thought I was ‘right’ but as I’m finding now, I have been ‘wrong’. And this is not okay. It is not okay for me to maybe be ‘wrong’. It’s not okay because: uncertainty and the unknown – these are not allowed.

If I accept that my perspective on life has been altered or has the potential to be altered in some way at any given moment, then I am accepting that my understanding of the world can never be for certain. And that is scary.
Why is that scary?
Because then I don’t know things.
And what’s wrong with not knowing?
It leaves unprepared. It leaves me to the unknown.
And what’s so scary about being unprepared relative to the unknown?
Well, anything could happen/be out there.
So?
Well, bad things could happen.
Yes. But that’s always the case no matter how much you think you know. And why would you assume that the unknown is full of only bad things? Why not good things? How can you make an assumption like that, or any at all, if it is all unknown? That literally doesn’t make sense.
The only assumption about the unknown that can be made is that no assumptions can be made about it.

When I see people arguing in a debate about these sorts of truths, it’s like, I know that you’re really arguing for your sense of safety and security, or for your pride and sense of self worth, or because your dad taught you some screwed up belief like maybe a ‘man’ always fights and wins, or because you believe that if you’re wrong then you’re a failure or something. It’s not about the presented issue. I know.

I know that when someone is saying, “Oh man, I hate insertnamehere, she’s so annoying.” I know: You don’t really hate her. Maybe she annoys you because she reflects something that is in you that annoys you that you want to change, or maybe you’re jealous of her and mad at yourself for not being more like her, or maybe when you were 6 a girl at school with that same name used to tease you.  I know you’re just a bit messed up like the rest of us.

I always watch my parents fight (though they don’t call it fighting – they call it ‘stirring one another) and I know what they are really saying to one another. I know what is really triggering my mum’s need to ‘stir’ dad – because it’s the only way she can say what she really wants to say – in a ‘teasing’ way. And I think dad knows some of this stuff to, but he can’t admit to himself that he knows, so he carries on with it all and ‘stirs’ back. I know what they are saying and I do think that they would be a lot happier in the long run if they could be less fearful of the unknown and just share with each other.

If we all had a stronger heart connection we would all be sharing all the time and all would just know that I have a whole lot of empathy for you and you have a whole lot empathy for me, because we would really see one another and that’d be all. I think there would less fear and more faith in one another.

Everyone is intrinsically good. We’re all just kids that have taped ourselves up to resemble adults to the best of our ability.

Maybe I think and reflect way more than others. I can’t let go and talk about surface-y things for very long. I see the depth of it all, and I can’t detach from it. I can’t ‘turn it off’.

I think the thing, with the alcohol, is that I have high hopes that it will draw out the part of me that knows how to talk to other people on that surface level and that’s all, that it will make that part so loud that it will quieten the busy inner mind… And it does, a little bit, but not enough to remove the feeling of how unnatural and wrong my functioning seems to be when under it’s influence. And not even referring to crazy, or wild drunkard behaviour when I say how ‘wrong’ my functioning feels. It’s just this…layering of…heaviness over my head…and it’s the separation it causes between this inner, reflective and intuitive mind I speak of, the one that makes all these observations in the moment, vs. the surface-y personality aspect of me that interacts. When that part of me is active and the other part is not, or is less-than…THAT’S what it is, man. THAT.

It made me long for the kind of truly intimate and loving relationship I that I have with my best friends to also be shared between me and everyone. That connection between the heart chakras and that awareness of one another’s energy – which encompasses every layer and aspect of one’s being – that’s what we all need more of.

I think people think they’re really alone in their insecurities, traumas, and all that ‘dark’, all those pieces of themselves that are unknown to others around them…alone in the sense that they think that they are the only ones who are experiencing this darker shade of being human and/or that it’s not okay to share, or to want to be supported, or to ask for support…
When in reality, they’re not alone. We are all sharing the human experience…

fearful of the night quote

Bravery – It’s You

I do think that it is often the unseen acts of bravery that are the most courageous… And I’m not talking about someone saving an old lady from getting run over by a bus and no one was around to watch or something, no.
I’m talking about being real, being true, being authentic, being who you really are. That sort of inner, miraculous feat that no one really realises is happening except for you.
If at any point, in any day, of any moment of your life, you find that you can say, ‘I allowed myself to feel how I felt’ or ‘I didn’t let them change me’ or ‘I got out of bed today even though it hurt’ or ‘I believe in myself’ or ‘I will try’ or any statements similar (those ones that bring a bubbling, quiet joy, a singing feeling of self satisfaction, to the surface – if you’re honest with yourself about it, if you realise what it all means)… It’s YOU. I’m talking about YOU. YOU are courageous. YOU have fortitude. YOU are brave.

You know what, I actually think it is really brave to even exist, too. Life is beautiful, wonderful and so ALIVE. Sometimes, too alive. Everything, every moment is fragile and just as precious as the other one. Every single moment is constantly disappearing. There are no take backs, no second draws. It’s like the whole thing is just…we are all taking a HUGE risk with every breath we take – moment by moment we reaffirm our commitment to life and living it, even as each of these moments (these which make up our life, our very existence as we know it) shatter behind us.
And every second, you’re propelled into the next moment whether you asked for it or not…the one you were in is disappearing, so you just, you gotta go, you HAVE to keep moving, lest you disappear too.
So, truly, if you are still breathing here today, if I were wearing a hat, it would be off to you.

heart brave quote