“Yesterday I went to the beach to experience the cool energy, the water (the sight, not the touch. Oh, the cold chills of salt ice, of Winter ocean… I miss Summer), the Earth who expresses herself as sand there, the expansive sky that stretches like a never ending canvas above my head, the stillness of the surrounding plant life and the air that wafts over me and into my lungs…”
“I moved to the heart chakra. I felt a curious emotional and ‘etheric sense’ of pain there. I realised I was facing more remnants of the heart chakra injury I have for so long endured that stems from repetitive emotional injury over the course of my life (I generally struggle with with an inability to experience or at least believe in emotional safety in this life. I feel emotionally safe about 65% of the time I think. This is slowly changing though)…” [click to read more]
“I did a healing of the emotional body/integration process a couple of hours ago. I have been sitting in reflection for awhile. I am feeling very energetically, ‘wiped’. I am sure I will sleep solidly this evening…
I started by purposely sinking into the emotion I had been feeling this afternoon. It was a combination of worry, anxiety and self-doubt. I sat with this feeling. I enhanced it. I said to this part of my being, “I am completely here with you now.” I felt it…”
“…I waited but nothing more came from that after a minute or so. So, then I asked myself, “When was the first time I experienced this exact feeling?” as directed in Teal’s process…
All of a sudden I was taken back to the scene of my birth. I was in the delivery room. I had just come out of the
caesarean birth. My point of perspective was…” [click to read more]
Featured Image: Hope by Teal Swan
“I integrated an inner child aspect today who felt ‘powerless to the control of others’. She sat in front of me at 8 years old. We held hands as I listened to her. I told her how sorry I am she felt this way. I stroked her hair. We put our hand on one another’s heart to reconnect. I remembered that I am her and she is me. After much emotion, I said, ‘it is time’ and she re-joined my present consciousness. The integration occurred…” [click to read more]
I am writing The Table of Contents for my book and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, it’s amazing.
Last night I wrote the first chapter title and 2 paragraphs on the subject.
I had a vision of it. I can see it. I’m not ‘writing’ it. I’m channelling it. I’m voicing it. I’m giving it life. It is very strange.
I got the name of the book a little while ago. I felt confronted by the name, the idea. It is a big topic and I felt fear with thoughts like, ‘what if I do it wrong?!’ and ‘I’m not good enough for that!’ as in, not professional enough, not experienced enough, not respected enough. However, it is not about that. It’s SO not about me. It’s about information. It’s about freedom. It’s about sharing. It’s about helping in the name of unity.
I feel like I’ve been ’employed’ by the divine. IT SOUNDS SO WEIRD haha but that is the only way I can think to describe how it feels. It’s like I’m the typist, I’m the vessel. Oh, that’s so dramatic too… but it is apt.
I want to share it. I want to write it out here, sort of. But it is to be birthed later. For now it is in a stage of creation. Like cells dividing and multiplying in the early stages of creating… It is a mystery that takes on it’s own direction. It’s own mission. It is on a role and I’m just ‘watching’. Holy crap. Man. Whoa.
This entry barely makes sense, I know. But… this is how it goes, apparently!
I suppose all I can do is have faith and trust in the power of what Source is yet to unfold.
(I realised something today. You are not a fraction of Source. You are A FRACTAL. You are the whole individuated into what appears as an extension but is truly expansion. It is horizontal, not vertical. It is duplication, not division. It is fractal in nature, all the way across.)
Just a note to say that I am now offering Intuitive Readings.
As a spiritual intuitive, one of my skills involves being able to ‘read’ a person’s energy and provide them with answers, guidance and information regarding their life and personal growth. I am now utilising that skill to help others. I’m excited about it.
Intuitive readings are provided as an opportunity for you to understand yourself, your life and events or situations you experience, from a higher perspective.
Intuitive reading is the art of acquiring information through extra sensory means. This information is that which is not immediately obvious from one’s physical perspective. It is not only the acquiring of information and illumination, but also the acquiring of guidance that can lead to improvement in one’s life on many levels… (Click to continue reading)
You can order a ‘standard’ or a ‘mini’ intuitive reading. Because intuitive reading is energy based, you may order one no matter where you are.
I have been crying this morning and my cat, Uriel, is ‘holding space for me’. I just know it. I am crying about my cat, Joe, that died almost ten years ago. He was a significant being in my life and I am still processing his death. Still. I miss him. There is more to our story.
But anyway, right now I am grieving and and Uriel is holding the space for it, even when it’s about another cat, and for that I love her.
I never really got what ‘holding space’ for someone meant until now. It is just like she is radiating this energetic bubble of love all over me, that supports only and does not try to heal – the healing IS the support being provided because active healing cannot happen before release…
It is much like when she touched my heart to heal it (see Fear of Failure/Paws On Hearts) without the touch part.
I love what I am learning about her role in my life. She really is an angel.
I am becoming wholly disillusioned with the job market, career and all that. It is not often that I feel the wave of faith slipping away from me but it is an occasional, inevitable, aspect of my life experience.
It’s moments like these that childhood becomes a fairytale that is long since gone…Alas, I (and we) know that it is a distortion that has affected the memories due to the feelings of the now (most of the time, I guess parts of it are fairytale-esque). When I refer to my childhood in a wistful way, I am mostly referring to times before the age of say 11 or 12. It is then, I think, when the effects of Bipolar started to really show themselves in my life…I read over my old diaries a while ago that live in a box, in my old bedroom at my parent’s house…and they are quite sad from the time they began, which was at about age 11. They continue mostly in the same vein of emphatic expression of pain until they end at about 16… I think that was when I started really just sticking to online journaling (livejournal). I do have some print outs of those entries. They also continue to express pain and A LOT of sad poetry.
Anyway, I feel faithless at the moment which is unlike the most-of-me that I know. As I express sadness, I always have another part of my mind that is going on about how it’s all okay in the broader perspective of things, how it will all be okay. And it’s kind of annoying because then I make myself feel silly/guilty/invalidated relative to my depressive feelings. That is something I am working on.
I am and always have been in a constant turmoil relative to money. Money and guilt (from being semi-supported by my parents) and guilt about past actions (mostly related to those actions and interactions with others performed whilst in the sea of bipolar hitting like a storm around the age of 17, so perfectly forgiveable, but that’s the rational mind…the emotional mind is still sunk at the bottom of the sea, keeping myself anchored down with tons of guilt).
My other ‘thing’ is this hole in my heart (like a literal auric hole in my energy system) due to past (romantic) relationship traumas.
Whilst I have healed from the aforementioned (excluding the ongoing guilt/money issue), I haven’t at the same time. And I keep wanting to face it and I feel this ‘I should, I need to, I must!’ guilt for not doing so as well! This whole guilt thing is very entrenched within me. It affects my level of self worth, which in turn affects my ability to attract money into my life, which in turn increases the level of guilt relative to money. It’s almost humorous how insanely and cleverly embedded this all is. It’s self perpetuating to a degree and that’s just like, “ugh, stop it me!”.
What has prompted this wave of everything is being told I didn’t get the job after doing an interview yesterday. I thought I was alright about it but then my mum asked about it and I nearly started crying when I said no. It made me think about how I must look like a failure and brought up my cyclic train of thought about my intrinsic value, or lack thereof (hello low self worth, nice to see you again). I started worrying about when I have to tell my employment provider (an organisation the government connects you with who helps you apply to jobs and such if you are a job seeker) that I failed, again. So there’s that. Then it makes the thoughts about me being a spiritual guide or intuitive or whatever and not doing so great at that begin to swirl around like a pretty damn volatile tornado in my head.
I am not built for working in ‘normal’ jobs but I decided to try and see the positives of the situation and tried to actually ‘want’ and ‘go for’ such jobs. Having failed at that makes me reflect on what else I’ve got going for me… I’m psychic and have this huge urge to help others but I haven’t done much of it. And y’know what? It’s probably due to my low self worth (don’t have the confidence in my abilities to really go for it), which creates the shit money cycle, which creates a situation where I have to lean on my parents, which creates the guilt, which contributes the self worth issue. So wtf.
The answer is, of course, to do shadow work (I.e. find the root belief (pretty sure it’s ‘I am worthless’) and heal it). I have done it once…but I obviously didn’t convince myself enough when I went to heal it. And now I can’t bring myself to do it (it was really hard to get myself to do it the first time too) because of the immense pain I know I will feel. What I should do is utilise Teal Swan’s emotional body techniques/do inner child work. But I can’t because of the block of fear – fear of the pain. So I feel really really fucking stuck.
And that’s my story, for tonight.
Are you gonna wander in tomorrow?
Get your coffee to go, so we can say hello
“Hey it’s nice to meet you” (maybe we’ll be forever)
Maybe it’s you
Maybe you could put me back together
Because I see you everywhere I go
All over faces that I don’t know (yet)
Are you gonna write the next track with me?
Are you gonna help me set me free?
I think we should try, I’d like to give it a shot
More than that, I’ll give it all I got
And I’ll say the most cliche things
That anyone’s ever said to you
But you know a cliche’s a cliche
Because it’s true
Acoustic songs and upbeat lyrics
Make me think I won’t miss this
(Miss, miss out on love that is, is)
Maybe every last kiss was meant to be
Maybe there’s hope for people like me
Maybe we’ll (I’ll) make it, maybe we’ll (I’ll) get free
Open Shadow: The Story of Teal Swan
‘Open Shadow’ is the inspiring story of Teal Swan, a survivor of ritual and sexual abuse who is now an empowered and progressive spiritual luminary. This is the story of Teal’s every day struggles with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the story of a human being whose body remembers what her soul has forgiven. This is the inspirational story of Teal healing others, while still in the process of healing herself.
This film is still in the making – Please support at http://tealfilm.com
“Teal Swan (http://tealswan.com) is a beautiful spiritual teacher and guide who’s work I have been following for some time now. She has helped me to open myself up to the darker shades of myself, illuminating them with loving light and self-compassion. She has influenced my life in many other, countless ways. Whilst being a spiritual teacher, Teal also suffers from the remnant damage (PTSD) from a difficult past, filled with horrific experiences of abuse and inner despair. This documentary shares Teal’s story and about how she has since bloomed into a beautiful guide and soul, and what her message is all about. I strongly urge anyone reading this to consider donating and/or checking out Teal’s stuff. Teal, I love you and I’m so glad your dreams are coming true. You inspire me to be myself in the dark and the light.”
– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne
More About Teal Swan
Teal Swan, known to many as “The Spiritual Catalyst” or “The Giggling Guide,” was born in Santa Fe, New Mexico, on June 16, 1984, with a range of extrasensory abilities including clairvoyance, clairsentience, clairaudience, and claircognizance. During her childhood, Teal’s parents who were both wilderness rangers, accepted a job in the Wasatch-Cache National Forest of Utah. They were unaware of the intensely religious climate of the location. Word of Teal’s unusual abilities got out and were not only frowned upon but also feared by many in the local religious community; her abilities attracted the attention of a family acquaintance who inducted her into a local cult, where she was ritualistically and sexually tortured for 13 years. Teal managed to escape from the cult at age 19 and began her process of recovery and transformation. She now travels the world as a spiritual luminary, using her abilities to remind people of the united, energetic nature of this universe and teaching them how to find bliss, despite the most difficult challenges.
When I get really sad:
I go silent and don’t want to talk.
I move very slowly.
Lie in bed.
Stare blankly at nothing.
Sometimes don’t eat for awhile (appetite disappears).
Sigh a lot.
If I do this in front of people, they make every effort to try to cheer me up…and I know they think it’s because they want to relieve me of this pain, but it’s not really. It’s because people are uncomfortable with sadness.
We are taught from a very young age to try as hard as we can to stop crying by virtue of comments offered by others such as, ‘cheer up’, ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘stop crying!’ – which usually involves the other person/s attempting to distract us with something we would normally find pleasurable. This is an attempt at replacing the emotive experience of feeling sadness to one of feeling happiness.
But doing this does not really make the emotion of sadness disappear, but rather, it is simply pushed to the side and replaced. It also invalidates our emotions. If we surrender to the suggested change of mood to happiness, we are saying to ourselves, ‘This emotion is not okay. I should not feel this way. I do not have the right to feel this way.’ If this is because we are around others who are trying to make us stop being sad, we are also allowing others to have more of a say in how we should feel than ourselves. That is not kind.
When we are sad, what we need is the kind of kindness that offers: understanding, support and most of all, ‘the okay,’ to just simply feel how we feel, and be how we are in those moments.
When the joyful moments are gone, the sadness will return either straight away, soon after, or years later as an over reaction to an experience that triggers that same emotion to stir.
Thus, it is best to dive into the sadness now. Feel it deeply, silently, slowly, whatever one needs to do, regardless of the discomfort it may prompt others to experience. If we feel our negative emotions, we won’t suppress them and so won’t have those over reactions. We are even potentially warding off disease or illness.
This is because any sort of suppression or resistance creates a blockage to life-force energy. This creates the lowering of the immune system, which makes one more susceptible to disease. Additionally, the effect of the law of attraction means that because that vibration (the emotion) is still there, experiences that reflect it’s presence I.e. that trigger that same emotion/highlight the energetic blockage, will start to/continue to occur.
So, I am sad and I am going to go lie in bed until further notice.
I am going to cancel my list of tasks until further notice.