“My cat, Panda, walks around meowing at seemingly nothing a lot. He also runs around crazily at random moments for no apparent reason. This behaviour has sometimes driven me insane…
As an animal communicator, I can tell you there is always…” [read more]
I realised I have been slightly avoiding my journey… or rather, it’s destination.
Last night I went to a party and I had been talking with some people there about what I do as a spiritual intuitive. The word ‘psychic’ was thrown in there. Another girl who was not quite part of the conversation overheard and said, “Wait, you’re a psychic?!” I said, “Basically” she responded, “Oh! Does that mean you know everything about me?!!?!” I said, “yesss totallyyy… haha no, not at all.”
Last night I went to a party and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
Today I went to lunch with my family and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
If I had not been born into the family I was born into and received the negative imprint of ‘not belonging’ I would not have become who I am today and especially not who I am in this moment.
Last night and today I had a sudden surrender to the part of me that feels like I do not belong. Surrender as in, I allowed myself to feel not belonging. I stopped wanting to change it.
There is this idea that we MUST belong and if we do not belong then we are something bad or something negative and THAT is the pain of not belonging, not the not belonging itself.
I have found today that one can be perfectly peaceful in not belonging. I do not belong. Once I said those words to myself, I sighed and said it again, I do not belong. And then, THEN all these realisations came to me. I settled into not belonging and just as I did that I realised that me feeling that I do not belong is just another part of the reason that I DO belong.
I started to see myself as an essential piece of the puzzle that is my family.
I started to see myself as a beneficial contribution to the group of people that surrounded me at that party (this scenario – me in a group of people – is the perfect metaphor for my whole general feeling of not belonging, it is not an attribution to those people personally).
Because I am so sensitive and empathic I have been able to experience the majority of emotions that are on the human emotional spectrum. This makes me an excellent supporter for others in all areas of love (Note: I meant to only write ‘in all areas of life’ but when I went to write ‘life’ I ‘accidentally’, automatically typed ‘love’ instead. Oh, what a truth it is).
I am a unique person in most areas of society. I am a conscious creator. I am a helper and I help others to awaken, to become conscious of their own creativity.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have settled so deeply inside myself thereby discovering who I truly am quite quickly.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have fallen into depression/bipolar aka my ‘awakening’.
If I felt that I did belong I would not be able to completely empathise with others who feel that they do not belong.
If I felt that I did belong I would probably not be as connected to animals as I am.
Part of the problem has been that I have actually not been embracing this aspect of me, this aspect that I have deemed as not belonging and therefore wrong, an error, a mistake when really all of that wording and that wrongness can be replaced with unique.
When that girl said, ‘what WHO’S the PSYCHIC?!!’ and everyone looked at me and her reaction of, ‘oh no! you can know anything about me?!’ I felt a very intense wave of I-do-not-belong. I felt that I DEFINITELY DO NOT BELONG. I had already been feeling this way, as I do in general as I said but also as I do when it comes to large social gatherings, but in that moment I felt like I had just seen the evidence of this truth that I do not belong.
A truth that I had declared as truth in my mind a long time ago.
Later on I still felt not belonging, I felt I wanted to go home. But I stayed. I said to myself, “Maybe I can do this, maybe I will be alright.” And I stayed and I found that I looked around the room and people were laughing with me and talking to me of their own volition and it completely changed my view.
Nothing is ever definitively true except in your mind and your mind is malleable.
Today at family lunch I looked at my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband and my mum and dad and I considered each of them in my mind individually. As I glanced I started seeing or hearing or sensing or just knowing the ways in which I have helped them or could help them in their lives just by me being a part of this family.
My mum needs me to be someone who understands her and her emotional sensitivity.
My dad needs me to hold space for him as he unknowingly grieves and fears on the inside.
My brother needs me to teach him how to be unique in the world and have it be okay.
My sister needs me to be an emotional bridge for her when she falls.
My sister in law needs me to increase her trust in her ability to love unconditionally.
My brother in law needs me to show him that kindness is out there and that self love is of value.
I need each of them to be inspired to learn how to love myself unconditionally and how to find a home and make sense of a world that does not always make sense to me and that I do not always make sense to.
The problem has been that I have deemed all of my issues as wrong. AS issues. I have deemed all of the situations, circumstances or experiences in my life that cause me pain as WRONG and so I have suffered tremendously.
It is okay that I do not belong. It is okay that I feel that I do not belong.
It is okay that I feel I was born in the ‘wrong’ family.
It is okay that I feel others think I am ‘just wrong’.
(For both of the above: ‘wrong’ = mistake. I feel I am a mistake in these situations. I feel I am not as good as them. I feel there was some error in my creation and placement within this creation).
However. It is not possible for me to not belong because I am here. I belong in not belonging. It is my lesson. My home. My precious journey.
You belong everywhere. You belong in every moment that passes you by.
I find this really emotionally soothing for some reason.
I realise some may be wrong, and some are right.
Maybe it’s because I have the inner conflict I think a lot of us do, “I don’t give a fuck what others think! I am confident, I believe in myself.” but also, “I do care”. I think I hold resistance to the idea of caring, and say to myself it’s not okay. But I am learning more and more that we are a sea of contradictions, it is part of what makes us these conscious complicated beings. How could we be any other way? We are all these messy balls of thoughts and feelings that interact with one another, entwining ourselves more and more. You can fight the knots or realise that you can’t stop them, you just need to try to accept them, together. And even if you never do, accept that too.
Although this may appear as a negative thing for me to do, I am telling you this feels cathartic…resistance release, I think. And it’s all kind of funny, so here we go:
The things I think people think about me:
whoa she talks to animals she is insane, you can’t talk to fucking insects SCIENCEBIATCH
rose tinted glasses are her middle name
way too honest TMI
how can she just confess her weirdness to everyone so easily
okay this girl is insane
I don’t get this girl at all
pretty cool hair man
sweet tattoo man
oh it’s a bit crooked man
(apparently one time someone said I was) kickass for not giving a fuck (about what others think relative to my spiritual self, truths, abilities, beliefs etc) (YES!)
omg vegan sheisjudgingmesheisjudgingmeiheartmymeatdon’ttakeitawayyy
way too obsessed with taylor swift
animals are not THAT great
well I started talking to her because I think she’s hot but now I’ve realised she’s a new age hippy I feel the urge to run and warn others, and also check out her blog to see if she’s written about me (because I’m sure she was analysing me psychically the whole time we were interacting)
brave/crazy for being friends with her exes
no friends nelly
crazy cat lady
get a real job already hobo
doctor who is not THAT great
doctor who addict (in a ‘that is not cool/weird’ kind of way)
pretty cool that she reads comics
pretty cool that she digs reddit and gets internet memes
pretty cool that she likes x-men and other marvel stuff
Note: ^ seems to be mostly guys’ reactions
such a contrasted person
/reads blog/site – oh she seems to think she knows everything
omg starseeds? aliens? being spiritual is one thing, this is just ridiculous shit, wut
getting pretty sick of her repeating ‘you should only do that which brings you joy’ or ‘only do what feels good’ or saying ‘i didn’t do it because I intuited it would not bring me joy’ (I heart my life quotes anyways you guys, you’ll benefit from it in the end 🙂
she really needs to ‘do’ more (these people don’t know of my inner power, knowledge and ambitions – I’m changing the world via example, I’m even changing you [or rather inspiring you to change you, to feel joy] and I’m not afraid to believe it, most days anyway)
she makes me feel like I’m not crazy, that thing that happened was more than coincidence/I do have abilities/I doubt myself less
if she can get over bipolar disorder, I can survive insertsituationhere
since she had bipolar disorder, she will understand, I feel like I can tell her things
oh god she has bipolar she is insane and is going to have a breakdown on me
dear god I hope this bipolar person has taken her meds she will surely burn my house down otherwise
this is a really understanding and non-judgemental person
this is a really open and curious person, an attractive mystery
I’m so glad she just told me all this stuff about her, now I feel better about me and my shit
funny in an ‘off’, random and intensely sarcastic kind of way
(I think sometimes maybe people think) she has her shit together (I don’t)
why does she live in her pyjamas doesn’t she feel weird that’s kind of weird
who owns eight doctor who shirts yo who does that man
pls stop talking about your cats
pls don’t make me look at more photos of your cats
why does she use two c’s in ‘Becc’ (I don’t even know how it started, it just did, sometime in kindergarten)
i think she’s a witch pls don’t turn me into a toad
I thought of a thing to summarise:
I don’t need applause approval.
Here are some cool things I write from time to time:
E.g. How to Talk to Your Spirit Guides, The 4th Dimension
It’s like I can see the whole universe and the maps of consciousness and I can see how and why almost everything happens the way it does and it’s this huge etch-a-sketch blueprint or map in my head that appears and reappears in an instant and erases and draws itself again and again and it’s ever-changing and complicated but somehow it still makes so much fucking sense and I wish I could just slam this image into others’ minds sometimes so they would just know
I keep having dreams where I am using my body to sense which thoughts are true intuitions and which thoughts aren’t intuitions, but rather just me inadvertently imagining things. In the dream: I have a thought about something or someone and I feel a kind of physical leaning or heaviness on my right arm if it’s correct and if it’s wrong, then it’s on my left (actually it’s been vice versa in some dreams, but yea that’s the gist of it, the arm heaviness thing). I have heard of this happening with other psychically sensitive people who are physically intuitive.
I wonder if maybe I am practising increasing my physical intuition during my sleep, out of body times?
I do think it would be helpful to have such a clear confirmation system as opposed to learning to trust my brain and accidental imaginings. That’s why I’m also a bit jealous of empaths. They can feel a strong, sudden wash of emotion or physical stuff such as nausea etc when they come into contact with someone else’s energy. I understand that it can be a hard life (many empaths don’t know how to switch their abilities off so being around others, crowds, hospitals etc can be extremely difficult) but again, it would be useful to have that semi-physical and emotional confirmation system.
Admittedly, I do experience it occasionally when I connect to someone with the intention of healing them, but it doesn’t happen all that much, is not usually very strong and disappears quickly…
But you know what? This is all an issue about self trust.
Being what is known as a spiritual intuitive and/or a channel means that I receive non-physical information mostly through the crown chakra, so it comes into my awareness as thoughts.
Now, we all know we have that inner monologue, well imagine if you were given an important piece of information that you needed to write down or know or whatever, but it came to you as a random thought within that inner monologue with your inner monologue voice, and it’s quick as well, so it will dart in but the inner monologue keeps on going…yea, so good luck with finding that. That’s what it’s like.
The way to deal with it is to a) learn how to clear your mind of thoughts when you wish to consciously use your spiritual intuition b) become very aware of that inner monologue and know that voice and what sorts of things it thinks, the tone of it, the ‘feel’ of it so that you will then notice the very subtle difference within your train of thought when a random piece of intuitive information is sent through. Remember how that feels.
The best way to learn to differentiate, to know the feeling and the tone between spiritual intuitive vs. your inner monologue, is to practise utilising your spiritual intuition with someone else, then when you get something right you can remember how that thought felt vs. when you get something wrong, remember how that thought felt and compare.
IT IS SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED ARGHHH So jelly, all you empaths/physical intuitives out there.
BUT. I know the reason behind it. Like I said, it’s about self-trust. Trusting yourself to know spiritual information within your day to day mind is one thing, but the lesson learned behind all that practise is the point – one’s level of self-awareness goes through the roof once you start to listen to your inner dialogue. Having this ability forces one to differentiate between your ego mind and your soul. You get to know who you really are (and will quickly learn that we are not our thoughts – they are just thoughts – we are the observer – that’s what I’ve been learning anyway) just by observing and so you are then prompted to change your thought patterns, your self-talk. You start to note all the self criticism you have, the judgements you make every second of every day, if you’re doing something because you want to or because you feel like you ‘have’ to, your true needs and desires and so on… So, I take me having this ability to mean that self-trust and self-awareness is a BIG lesson for me to learn in this lifetime. No coincidences, you know? (Random thought – perhaps for empaths, it’s about learning boundaries?)
I can honestly say though, I still don’t trust myself completely. I do to a pretty large degree. Like, if there was a line like this and the vertical line is where I’m at:
I don’t trust myself _________________________________________________|_________________ I do trust myself
I’m getting there. Check me out. Watch this space.
TRUST THYSELF: EVERY HEART VIBRATES TO THAT IRON STRING.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
P.S. Today is a pretty day. There is a gentle breeze, it was warm enough for me to not wear my big coat, the sun is flickering in and out between the trees and higher up – between the clouds. I think it might rain soon, but that’s alright.
I’ve got some stuff to cleanse. Cleanse and let go, this I shall do when the water falls.