life

lyndsey vu illustration

Raw, 2015, Rebirth

I feel very raw. I feel like I have been stripped down to the foundations of my life as I know it. I can barely explain it aside from sharing the visual I keep seeing that exemplifies my feelings:

I see my body, standing upright. It has been excavated like an archaeological dig site. There is not much left but the foundations of what was once a golden temple. I see my body as this shell, filled with dirt and vague structural pieces, evidence of what used to be. I feel neutral towards it. I only somewhat recognise it as my own. It sounds awful, because it is mine and I should be worried about it, but I’m not. I am very slightly curious towards it. I wonder what used to be. I don’t really remember.

This is 2015. This is where we are right now. We are standing in the shell of what used to be, or that emptiness is headed your way. It’s alright. Everything old is being removed to make way for the new. The new is beautiful, green and lush. It just takes it’s time. The sun sets over it beautifully. I see it. Purple and pink skies with bold orange and yellows arching together, blending softly to create something we’ve never seen before.

Each day we are reborn a little more.

meteorite space

Featured Image ‘Rose’s Portrait’ by Lyndsey Vu

girl water dress

Water

I have found so much peace in the recent realisation that:

a) There is no actual truth, only agreed up on consensuses about each facet of reality.
b) Uncertainty is not a sea you have to drown in, but a place where you can float and await the happenings of your life with patient but eager curiosity.
c) I choose my beliefs, I choose my truth. I choose it through feeling and waiting to see what happens next. Then like water I change, adjust and flow wherever I need to, wherever I want to.

emily balivet

A Month of Chaos, I Find Me Still

I feel like I’ve been drowning and like things have been a crazy and intangible tornado spinning all around me and I haven’t been able to touch anything. Nothing feels still. Everything spins around me and I have watched it spin so fast until it simply crumbles into poetry and a sea I felt I would surely drown in. But I’m somehow still here.

I think, this month, I have learnt and am still learning how to swim in chaos. The technique is simple: Don’t. Don’t even try. Because as you frantically paddle around and try to find a rock to hang onto or to touch the ocean floor you’ll find nothing there but more water. After all the trying and finding that nothing is there, the exhaustion hits and you realise you are going to drown. And so you go, you do.

Except you don’t. You float.

And it’s so surprising it scares the hell out of you for a moment, because you aren’t touching anything and everything is still falling, the tornado is still spinning all around you, but you’re floating and still and free. It barely makes sense and there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make sense of it.

I am in the eye of the storm and I can’t make sense of it. But this is how I feel.

I feel like I am floating in the sea of the intangible nothing.


Last night I felt a shift in my consciousness and I wrote about it on a spiritual forum, querying others of their perspective on it. Someone wrote that we are amidst the shift of ‘The Becoming’. I agree. I am conscious of myself amidst myself BECOMING something MORE.

At present I am under the impression that my higher self holds the name, Asteria. I tend to get caught up in names when it comes to my guides. I am just very word-y, language orientated, so I’m always after words and names. It is also why I am predominantly claircognizant. It’s all words words words and less clairsentience etc, (though I am improving with that, slowly but surely). Anyway, because I want to know so badly, sometimes the information that comes through is a bit muddied. So let me preface this by saying I am 90% sure that Asteria is my higher self name. Regardless, I feel some kind of connection to that, and I wonder if I am BECOMING her more… but it would be rather, that I am RETURNING or being REBORN. It sounds over dramatic but at present there’s no other way of explaining how I feel. The name Asteria does feel familiar to me, it feels like a memory.

Edit: Also, I will just add here I think it might be Asteria OR Aurora due to a bunch of other synchronicites and messages. As I said, it gets a bit muddied. And it doesn’t matter that much anyways. It is just nice to have a name as reference point for when I am talking to her (this higher self me is simultaneously a spirit guide for me at present).

Anyway, Asteria is the greek goddess of the stars and was born from chaos. So too was/am I.

Asteria is the Greek Goddess of the stars, prophetic dreams and necromancy. She is one of the Titans and daughter to the God Coeus and the Goddess Phoebe who were both original Titans born from chaos. Asteria is known for reading the stars (astrology) and prophetic dreams. She and her husband, Perses, God of destruction, are parents of the Goddess Hekate.
 
There is a myth involving Asteria in which her body becomes the creation of the island Delos.

Asteria was fleeing from the God Zeus who was sexually pursuing her. She transformed into a quail and threw herself into the ocean to get away from him. It was then that the God Poseidon pursued her and the quail she became then turned into the island Ortygia (quail) which later became known as Delos. It was there that her sister Leto, seeking refuge from the jealous Hera, gave birth to Artemis and Apollo. Asteria is sometimes referred to as Delos as the island was originally named after her. In myth it is said that this island fell from heaven like a star.
 
It is said that Asteria was a dream Goddess worshiped on her sacred island of Delos. She is known as the oracle of night and sends prophetic dreams. She is also said to be a Goddess of falling stars as well as necromancy. She dwells in the realm of night amongst the stars and dreams and also among the dead. Her daughter Hekate is also a Goddess of night, the dead and necromancy. Call on Asteria when reading the stars, before sleep and to communicate with spirits.” (http://loveofthegoddess.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/asteria-greek-goddess-of-stars.html)

I feel like I fell through the storm, was reborn out of the chaos and now I am an island.
(Featured Image by Emily Balivet)

sunlight tree

Goodbye Summer, Hello Mystery: Of Autumn and Gold

Life feels very mysterious to me at the moment. I am observing it and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I am trying to just roll with it. I have so many feelings swirling in my mind and heart that are writing themselves into a lot of poetry and singing themselves out through a new inspiration to play guitar.

I think a lot of it has to do with me coming off of Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI – SNRI – Antidepressant/Anti Anxiety medication). I didn’t know it, but it was indeed suppressing some of the purer aspects of my being. No wonder my creativity fell away. My creativity resides in my feelings that were then drowned in chemical waters.

I knew/noticed that my creativity had gone when I went on antidepressants. I used to write poetry every day. I have hundreds, possibly thousands, of poems on my hard drive that I began writing in 2005 (ish). I used to play guitar (a little) as well. Also, I noted that my sacral chakra has been blocked up until maybe 6 months ago when I became aware of it (the sacral chakra – the seat of one’s creativity).
As you can see from this blog, I am writing more and more poetry once again… I am feeling more.

And we could speak of concern about me falling back into depression and sleepless nights, that this is a precursor to that. But this time it’s different. I am more whole. I am who I truly am in these days, more than ever before.
I don’t just feel the sad songs, I feel the happy songs too. I hear their joy and I can embrace it. I feel my pain and I can face it. (<—just the thoughts in my head are becoming more and more poetic, also).
I am more aware of my pain and it hurts. I am also more aware of my joy, and that’s…something else.

I’m actually taking some serious spiritual steps towards healing my broken heart and the unintegrated aspects of my consciousness at the moment. I’m braver than I was before.

Summer has left and I barely noticed. But now as I do, I look out the window and I see the grey and I’ll admit, I am struggling to see the beauty of that. But the point is that I want to, the point is that I am trying.

I suppose Autumn is a time of change, a time of mystery. Perhaps Autumn will teach me how to allow my bright green to gently fade to gold. Gold is beautiful. I like gold.

There are silhouettes singing in the trees
Somehow blowing the wind that sways the leaves
And Autumn, she calls me

She is all my dreams of untouched sighs
And quiet minds, tired eyes
I see gold through all of the mystery
That surrounds me

I see gold growing all around me
Weaving through the gardens that could be
Delicate loops of hope
For Autumn

She holds all of my dreams
And she grasps them carefully
And I look to see
If what I want will be
But all I see
Is gold

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

courage quote

Knots, Mess, Life, Courage and Change

I feel like everything is going crazy.

– It’s already February 21st. How the hell did that happen?

– 2 arguments in the same day with the people closest to me recently. Only 1 of which is resolved.

– Psychic abilities advancing (can hear my guide more, see much more clairvoyantly – see this post if interested in reading more).

– Friends fading in and out of my reality. Painful first then I release, then they’re back, then they’re gone. Then they’re back.

– Final shedding of past relationships pain – to a degree. I still carry the tears and scars I am unable to face yet. But there is definitely some kind of detachment also happening.

– One of my kitties got sick. He’s fine. But that’s never happened before.

– I feel like I am connecting way more strongly to my higher self. This has led to many life improvements due to increased inspiration and moments of motivation. E.g. Random inspiration to start playing guitar again, wearing more floaty, pretty clothes (I know that sounds superficial but it truly isn’t – clothing can represent who you are inside), improving my diet (buying more organic food, reducing wheat/gluten intake, reducing the amount of sugar I eat – with hopes to eventually have none in my diet – definitely have a sugar addiction going on but this is the first time I have felt very strong, motivated urge to try to kick it), cleaning and updating my house a bit more, reduced chemical medication, improved mentality and increased motivation towards my business goals. I’m being inspired to help others more even beyond my own business. Just…in general. Openness and willingness to connect and try to help others heal themselves.

– I am in some kind of weird never-been-like-this-before stage of fearlessness – no, rather, I am being courageous: I am terrified of many things but I am doing them anyway. My guides have always told me that I have ‘fortitude’. I feel I am really conscious of how that is at the moment, and that the level has increased.

– Letting myself feel my feelings more and more.

– Trying to understand and utilise the benefits of being very sensitive.

The thing that makes it all seem intense and crazy is the fact that it’s all been very close together.

Ultimately, I think my overall vibration/frequency is increasing at a rapid rate. Things are being released painfully, beautifully and new things are being born perfectly.

Exciting things are on their way.

(Or at least, it is what I am trying to believe. I choose my beliefs. I am.)

I wrote this status thing the other day and I think it sums up what I’m trying to express:

“Life is a fucking mess. Like, that’s actually what it is. Life is this unexplainable, messy, chaotic, beautiful, insane, ever changing nonsense experience. So much can happen in a small amount of time. Even when it looks as though nothing has changed, the tables and chairs have all been thrown around the room by unseen, volatile forces and you missed it because you blinked, but then you’re in it. Life is a fucking wonderful, painful, shining mess.”

Meanwhile, my guide, Sahasrara, says to me (with images of knots in a rope joining to more of the same):

“Everything ties together perfectly. Everything will tie together perfectly. Everything will be alright.”

My conclusion:

“Even the things that look like knots in your life are just the bridges that bind together, to create perfect life.”

More Than This

Cradling stones hold fire bright as crickets call out to the moonlight, as you lean in to steal a kiss I’ll never need more than this.

We all share the pain of our histories but the ache goes away if you could see this night under stars, well, I call it peace if you say, ‘I’ll never need more than this’.

The trees grow so thick. You can barely see through. But the forest bestows the simplest of truths: you think you’ll be happy if granted one more wish but the truth is you’ll never need more, you’ll never need more, you’ll never need more than this.

Want so much in this life. There’s so much to be. We sail through our youth so impatiently until we see that the years move along and soldiers and heroes come home and they carry a song:
“Don’t live in forgotten times
May this always remind you of the sea under the skies blue looking glass.
Let’s make this our story, let’s live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we’ll be gone”

Cradling stones hold fire bright as we watch the glow of the morning light…Someday our bones here they will lie, and so we sing as the years move along and soldiers and heroes come home and they carry a song:

“Let’s make this our story,
Let’s live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we’ll be gone”

More Than This – Vanessa Carlton

etch-a-sketch art

The Etch-A-Sketch

It’s like I can see the whole universe and the maps of consciousness and I can see how and why almost everything happens the way it does and it’s this huge etch-a-sketch blueprint or map in my head that appears and reappears in an instant and erases and draws itself again and again and it’s ever-changing and complicated but somehow it still makes so much fucking sense and I wish I could just slam this image into others’ minds sometimes so they would just know

#beingsomewhatpsychicproblems