loneliness

Friends. Question Mark.

When your vibration changes –> your world changes –> your friends can disappear (because you are no longer a vibrational match).

I am not good at allowing such things, as much as I try. It happened before and I thought I learnt from it and became okay about it. But alas, I am not good at feeling this loneliness once again.

I AM STILL HERE/YOU HAVE DISAPPEARED/ IT’S TOTALLY FINE.

fine fire meme

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On Losing Friends

I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).

Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.

Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).

I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
dying rose
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.

I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.

Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.

I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.

I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure


P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.

I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
cats sunlight

 

“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”

– Only Human by Christina Perri

Drowning

Today I sat in my car crying for half an hour (and then more when I got home) after having an appointment with this job employment provider company that I have to be with in order to stay on benefits from the government – I.e. am on ‘looking for work’ salary from the gov, these people are hired by the gov to help me get a job.

I was crying because I felt/still feel absolutely trapped and awful when it comes to the prospect of becoming part of ‘the work force’. I was crying because it tears me up inside to be in this position where I have to look for these shit, ‘regular’ jobs in order to continue getting money from the gov, which is what I need to put a roof over me and my cats’ heads. I want to do what the spiritual me wants to, needs to do, which is say, ‘no’ and do only that which brings good feelings, never taking action upon anything that feels emotionally negative. But, if I do that, I’ll be homeless. But, acting upon only what feels good is how one gets to one’s highest joy, focusing on what feels good and not taking any actions that feel bad is how you manifest good things, the things that you realised you prefer via the contrast in your life. But HOW do I do that from where I am?

m. lobuglio

So, I was crying and upset and angry about how alone I feel, angry that I wasn’t born completely extra sensory so I could see my guides etc and truly, really, know that I’m never alone in this fucked up 3D hologram…yelling at no one and everyone in the universe who is non physical to fucking show up for me because I would love for my ego-3D mind to shut the fuck up and release fear by seeing that I am never alone…all the while knowing that won’t work, because in order to see non-physical energy I need to meet it half way by raising my frequency to one that matches the subtler energies along the light spectrum, but then again – anger – because how can I do that when I am in that emotional state, and that’s when I need it? – so I continue feeling alone. I just so badly, in those moments, wanted help and I yelled and nothing happened and it shits me so much, but again, it’s no one’s fault.

uriel bed

Apparently I signed up for this. But I don’t even remember signing up for this. And I just, in those moments, and in some continuing moments, I just want out. But I know I don’t really. But I did. Then I started wishing, and still do in and out of present moments, wish that I wasn’t this spiritual person who knows about universal truths and wants to evolve…because it would be so much easier to be an atheist and/or someone who is happy to work an administrative desk job or something, not me – this spiritual person who wants to help other people dramatically and wholly and emotionally, this person who knows their purpose and feels suffocated by anything other than the pursuit of that…I want to want to be alright with applying to these mundane jobs………but I don’t really, and I’m not, so I’m just stuck because it is what I have to do to not become homeless.

So, what the fuck do I do? I am trying to keep the faith, but some days I’m just drowning.

 

 

About Starseeds: Extra-Terrestrials Incarnated as Human Beings and/or Walk Ins

The word ‘starseed’ has been associated with people who have had previous incarnations somewhere other than Earth. However, by that definition every one of us is a starseed because we have all had thousands of previous lives, more than one of them almost certainly to have occurred beyond this Earth. This term has caused some confusion. A more accurate understanding of the word ‘starseed’ and what it is ‘supposed’ to mean is: A starseed is someone who has an extra-terrestrial consciousness whilst living here on Earth.

Ways in which starseeds become incarnated here is what I am going to talk about – though there are probably more ways that these extra-terrestrial beings come to incarnate here than I have written about, these are the ones that I know of:

Soul Braid

A soul braid is when there is a human being’s and extra terrestrial’s consciousness sharing the same mind and body. Some people hold one human consciousness, and one extra-terrestrial consciousness, however, it can also be the case that a person may hold multiple soul consciousness’ (human and/or extra-terrestrial), sharing the same mind and body.

Soul Fork

A soul fork is an extra terrestrial being that has projected itself into a human body. The human consciousness is an extension of the extra-terrestrial, a manifestation that they have projected forth into this Earth reality. They are now an extra-terrestrial being that lives on planet Earth in the body of a human. When a soul fork dies, they will go back into their E.T. consciousness as opposed to ‘dying properly’ (for lack of a better term) I.e. when your consciousness is returned to source, becoming one with the all that is once again.
Additionally, the same goes for the E.T. part of the soul braid, whereas the human part of that braid will return to source.

Walk In

A walk in is where two individual souls have agreed to switch places. The soul that has taken its place will serve in a different capacity than before. The new spirit and the ‘old’ spirit have already agreed to make this transfer on a higher level, or before the incarnation on Earth. This is not possession. Permission has already been granted in order for this to take place. A walk in can be an extra terrestrial’s consciousness or another human consciousness.

Source: I first learned this information via an interview or two and a workshop that Teal Scott has done. Teal herself is a Soul Fork – she is an extra-terrestrial consciousness from Arcturus.

In this interview, Teal speaks about starseeds, soul forks, soul braids and walk ins. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6HOkVGAV8M (at about 33:45 is when Teal begins to speak on these topics).

My Experience: How I Discovered I am a Soul Fork (Pleiadian)

Awhile ago I watched a workshop held by Teal Scott where a man who was on stage asking questions, was told that he was a soul braid by Teal. I had a very strong emotional reaction. Suddenly my life seemed to make so much sense, all the pain I went through and all the wisdom I have now, and the way that I just absorb knowledge and the way that I want to ‘help the world’  (it is the only thing I want to do, my passion is helping others in any way that I can).

Previous to this, I had done an automatic writing/channelling session where I spoke to my principle guide (who is a Pleiadian) (discovered this when I did a meditation to connect with my guide and got that intuition) who told me about how ‘I am a star’ and ‘we are sisters’ AKA she meant, ‘star sisters’ (as opposed to actual sisters (I have also, after a meditation gotten the phrase ‘you are a star’ in my head a number of times), I think it was just her trying to tell me I am also Pleiadian). She explained that that is why I felt like she is an aspect of me (when I first connected with her it was strange, I felt like I was talking to me…but not). She told me we share a mission and that ‘when we are done I will take you home and you will recall who you are and were and who you know yourself to truly be.’

So I’ve been walking around thinking I’m a Pleiadian/Human braid but then the other day I just finally had it confirmed that I am actually a Pleiadian soul fork (and that I am a member of the Intergalactic Federation of Light – hence my feeling of “I need to help save the world!”) which makes even MORE sense when I reflect upon my life. I have always had this sense of ‘I’m on a mission to save the world’ since I was like, 12. Also, have looked up at the stars since a very young age thinking, ‘that is home’ and got a sense of home sickness (and of course I just wrote it off as nothing) and because I remember when I was about 10 looking at my arm and my body and thinking it was “The WEIRDEST THING EVER! My body is so weird!”

Now I know I am meant to be a teacher which is why I have constantly changed career paths and passions.. I have always been aware of my ‘mission’ and that is ‘to help’. I have known this since a very young age. I didn’t know how I would, but I knew I had to, the earliest and the purest, most absolute goal I had (and still have).

I have realised within the last few days that I know so many things that others don’t, information that I thought was totally normal and very very obvious… I know what benefits people and what doesn’t, I know who is honest and who is not, I know A LOT about metaphysics and I know how to get through the darkest days of your life. And now I know, I went through hell so I can HELP, and really, truly, achieve this goal of saving the god damn world!

“Do aliens exist?” “Are they on our planet right now?”
…*waves*