loss

uriel angel me

The Painful Illusion (Re: Uriel)

The Painful Illusion (The Enemy of Death)
Re: Uriel

Stealing away our heart beat
It comes in the middle of the night
Taints the first day of the week
And robs you of their sight
Death has been personified
In this dark fall
Autumn bled her mystery
And now I am at her call

Winter marches on
Stole my breath in it’s wake
I cannot belong
On a planet with pain so great

I know I could go back
To where I first began
But I am sure the glass is sharp there too

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Love Vs.

Do you ever feel like you are just broken and like you need a sign on your head that warns people about how they might as well not bother talking to you because they will eventually be disappointed?

WHY do I try when it is consistently obvious that I will never get back to being that person who everyone likes?

Being who you are is hard and can make you alone and sometimes people say, and often I agree, that it’s a beautiful thing to stick to your soul despite being made alone for it and the part of me that is always existing in the light knows this to be true, but the darker side of me and the side of me that is actively experiencing this in this moment says: this sucks.

I used to have so many friends and be the one that everyone liked and loved and thought was funny and great and now I’m just this social recluse who lives on the internet and in a house full of faeries that no one will believe exist.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to love always, despite being not loved back, despite the risk of that as a potential that always exist, and I am still going to, and I do, but it conflicts with my sadness and drags me back to the light – knowing the truth of who you are and what this universe really is makes it hard to allow oneself to ‘be human’ (‘you’re only human’) because whilst I’m thinking and writing all these sad things, there’s another voice in my head saying that everything will be alright and that’s good, I guess, but it’s a painful kind of good. It’s like, ‘everything will be alright, I will get through this’ and because I know this, I want to be through it NOW. Take me back to the light, please. Sometime soon.

But anyway: THIS MOMENT, THIS TODAY, IS DIFFICULT.

(I have so much trouble letting go).

losing love

 EDIT – This is probably not helping:

solar filament eruption

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “FILAMENT ERUPTION, EARTH-DIRECTED: On Sept. 2nd, an enormous filament of dark plasma, which had been snaking across the face of the sun for days, became unstable and erupted. NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory recorded the blast: movie #1, #2. Soon thereafter, a lopsided CME billowed away from sun.”

“According to NOAA analysts, the CME will deliver a glancing blow to Earth’s magnetic field on Sept. 6th.

Source: http://spaceweather.com/

I love you sun, but sometimes you and your CME’s are a bit much.

Learn more about the effects of solar activity on human consciousness, the Earth and our physical bodies at http://www.carliniinstitute.com/how_recent_solar_flares_are_affecting_us

 

On Losing Friends

I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).

Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.

Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).

I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
dying rose
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.

I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.

Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.

I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.

I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure


P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.

I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
cats sunlight

 

“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”

– Only Human by Christina Perri