love

one day love

To A Love, One Day

I can’t help it.

I love bravely, open and wild, heart free and wide eyed.

All the arrows and the injuries I have felt buried into me, they fade away like white dust, shattering as my hope grows over.

I only see the flowers in weeds, I never see the black night sky, just white, just the light of the stars.

We, ‘the lovers’, we hold on.

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sunflower image

Shine

i’m gonna shine back at you

what you fail to see through

black jackets, armoured coats

silent songs and secret notes

i will show it all

i wear my heart on my sleeve

and i do not have a map

i have watched them leave

and failed to get them back

but i’m gonna shine

with what is still mine

and i will break through

so you see too

i can’t help it

i think i was made to love

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

Twin Forks – Back to You

hope definition

Hoping on the Edge of A Cliff

I endeavour to become pure
Clear like snow
But I’ll never get there
If you don’t know

That I am here
Excruciatingly unsafe
Wearing war wounds
Showing them to the open air
Light shines through my hair
Makes it harder to bleed
As I blink in the bright

Wonder and wanderlust have never been mine
But this time I think I’ll try

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

Holding hope can make you more tired than every day put together…
But holding hope is who I am.

I always try to hold my thoughts within my own power. But they push and collide until I can’t hold on any more. They run away after childish and unrealistic hope, romantic notions and exhausting daydreams. But maybe that’s just my heart. And you shouldn’t fight your heart.

Hoping is something I struggle with accepting in me because it rips through all the walls I want to keep up that make me feel safe. It perseveres and it never gives up and it’s always there. And I guess it’s who I am. I’ll always hope and more than that, I/I’ll believe. And even I can’t tear it away from me. Even through all the tears I have ever cried, I’ve always just ended up finding myself in a sea of hope.

I want to become okay with my faith in life and my soul crushing/enlivening hope. I think hope requires you to face the cliff that hangs over the sea, standing in the wind with salt air stinging your eyes, and say, “I accept that there is danger here. There is risk. But here I’ll stand anyway.” And I’m so fucking scared of heights and danger. I touch it and it’s callous and cold like jagged rocks. But I still climb. And I end up hanging there on the end of the cliff, saying, “I’m here anyway.”

I’ll always be here. In the dangerous and unsafe hope.

chaos art

Strange

This hope is treacherous
This daydream is dangerous
This hope is treacherous
I, I, I… I, I, I… I, I, I…

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night
And I will get you, and get you alone
Your name has echoed through my mind
And I just think you should, think you should know
That nothing safe is worth the drive and I will
Follow you, follow you home…
I’ll follow you, follow you home…

– Taylor Swift

/4amthesecondday/howstrangethatIdon’tknowyouatall

I AM DETERMINED TO BE HAPPY SOMEHOW

I will hang onto the beautiful things.

art painting girl

Violet Light

“All we are is skin and bone, trained to get along…forever going with the flow, but you’re friction.” – TS

If I could quiet the busyness that walks these streets
I would take the jump, the heart’s final leap
And away
I would stay

Wished for far too long
When will the lights from the city nights come?
Drenched in rain, the light starts to separate
Maybe it’s not too late

Shadows are just marks left on walls
By the light’s touch
So let the barriers I have built fall

Risk of pain, risk of divide
Risk of the heart’s final suicide
But I say that every time
And I guess I end up fine

But the echoes are marks on my skin
And there’s marching against these walls
But I won’t let them in
I won’t face them

I tried to kill the love in me
But all I end up with is that same violet light

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

hosseini quote

Bad Medicine

Headache knocking at the door
I don’t have time for this
I’m still here on the floor
Heavy since
the last kiss

You’re like the weakest medicine
And you burn horribly
But I’m addicted to the times when
The placebo kicks in
It always wins

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

I feel like I will never be loved for all of me. I’ve been loved for some of me, but never all of me. The flaws shine, the shadow shows, the light is not enough and people leave. People leave me. And it just keeps happening. There are people who stay because they think they have to, but ultimately, I am alone. I will quit. I WILL quit. I will quit.

Yesterday, today and probably tomorrow, I wish I could change who I am.

girl cartoon love

Free, Cliche, Hope

Are you gonna wander in tomorrow?
Get your coffee to go, so we can say hello
“Hey it’s nice to meet you” (maybe we’ll be forever)
Maybe it’s you
Maybe you could put me back together

Because I see you everywhere I go
All over faces that I don’t know (yet)
Are you gonna write the next track with me?
Are you gonna help me set me free?
I think we should try, I’d like to give it a shot
More than that, I’ll give it all I got

And I’ll say the most cliche things
That anyone’s ever said to you
But you know a cliche’s a cliche
Because it’s true

Acoustic songs and upbeat lyrics
Make me think I won’t miss this
(Miss, miss out on love that is, is)

Maybe every last kiss was meant to be
Maybe there’s hope for people like me
Maybe we’ll (I’ll) make it, maybe we’ll (I’ll) get free

sunlight girl

The Same Song (Memories) Over and Over

I keep posting this song called, “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift…every now and then in my blogs…because it reflects my most recent relationship…And me posting it and almost crying every time I hear it, and singing my heart out to it over and over tells me that I am still mourning that relationship…And I hate that I am. And it’s only a part of me because most of me is fine. But there is that part that’s still going…and I wonder when it will disappear? I feel like I’m mourning and releasing it every time I listen to this song, how many more times do I need to feel and sing it? It’s the same song over and over, written all over my heart. I know there’s still a hole in my heart still and it’s filled up with these lyrics crammed into it, trying to fill it. And there’s band aids on the top but the bleeding hasn’t stopped. And it’s really intense for me to admit that and to realise it. I doubt he knows. And there’s no going back and I don’t want to, I just want to heal. When do we get to stop trying to repair ourselves from old wounds? When is that time? Where is that place? I’ll let you know if I ever find it. And I’m watching this video of Taylor singing this song live and she’s crying and she’s saying that the good memories can haunt you and create scars just as deep as the bad ones, sometimes even worse. That’s what hurts us when we lose someone. At first it’s the pain and trauma of the ending, but then it’s the loss of the rest of it. So, I think I am still mourning. That’s what mourning and grief are, right? Maybe I’m mourning over that part of me too. I like having someone to love and when it ended, that aspect of who I am dissolved. And I want it back. But you can’t do that when it’s just you. Well, on the other hand I guess you can try with all your heart to love you, but who really believes that that’s all they need? I don’t know if anyone does if they asked themselves and were able to get past all of the lies they might be holding onto believing within themselves – like, ‘it’s okay to be alone’ or ‘I can just love me’. Well, that’s true. But I believe that humans were designed to love others as well. Designed to embody love and extend ourselves in that way to one another as well as ourselves, without inhibition. It’s a grave error to believe otherwise, but it can be what we tell ourselves to make us feel strong or self empowered in the times when we’ve lost. But in the end, behind and beneath it all, you’ve still lost something you loved and you’ve lost being able to love something, and that combination is lethal to the human heart. Or mine, anyway.

ALL TOO WELL

*Italics – my haunting memories
*Underline and the bold –  the truest truth

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.
(Laughing on the couch, wearing your shirt but separate beds, still tried to kiss you, I left when I thought you were asleep, driving home at 1am, crying all the way, left the shirt and a note: “I am an idiot”)
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house,
And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
(I remember: One hand on the steering wheel, the other in mine)
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.

‘Cause there we are again on that little town street.
(The wedding in the coldest town I’ve ever been
Shivering with champagne)
You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed
(Hair like I’d never seen)
And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me?
(I will never know)

And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…

‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
(We did, I did)
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
(You were) running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise
(Still angry at this second injury: I don’t want to be)
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
(The night of the second-first kiss, the conversation: ‘I still love you too’, the second try
Then: the last chapter, the silence, the gardens, the end)

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
(Still in my drawer, hidden beneath layers of armour)
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it ’cause you remember it all too well, yeah

‘Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
(I did)
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare (It was), I was there, I remember it all too well (I do)

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all (Probably, maybe, I could never guess)
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well