lyrics

sunflower image

Shine

i’m gonna shine back at you

what you fail to see through

black jackets, armoured coats

silent songs and secret notes

i will show it all

i wear my heart on my sleeve

and i do not have a map

i have watched them leave

and failed to get them back

but i’m gonna shine

with what is still mine

and i will break through

so you see too

i can’t help it

i think i was made to love

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

Twin Forks – Back to You

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feelings image

Sounds

How do I write these echoes
Of long lost love, and lust?
How do I identify
What I can’t bring myself to even try
To consider?

You have bled into my veins
You have opened clothes to make stains
Are you aware of the delicate sound
That I’ve never heard you make?

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

P.S.
Maybe I’ve made an error
But I’d rather admit it
Than say never

I’ll implode
If I never know you
I’ve always known you

You are music
To my heart

art painting girl

Violet Light

“All we are is skin and bone, trained to get along…forever going with the flow, but you’re friction.” – TS

If I could quiet the busyness that walks these streets
I would take the jump, the heart’s final leap
And away
I would stay

Wished for far too long
When will the lights from the city nights come?
Drenched in rain, the light starts to separate
Maybe it’s not too late

Shadows are just marks left on walls
By the light’s touch
So let the barriers I have built fall

Risk of pain, risk of divide
Risk of the heart’s final suicide
But I say that every time
And I guess I end up fine

But the echoes are marks on my skin
And there’s marching against these walls
But I won’t let them in
I won’t face them

I tried to kill the love in me
But all I end up with is that same violet light

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

hosseini quote

Bad Medicine

Headache knocking at the door
I don’t have time for this
I’m still here on the floor
Heavy since
the last kiss

You’re like the weakest medicine
And you burn horribly
But I’m addicted to the times when
The placebo kicks in
It always wins

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

I feel like I will never be loved for all of me. I’ve been loved for some of me, but never all of me. The flaws shine, the shadow shows, the light is not enough and people leave. People leave me. And it just keeps happening. There are people who stay because they think they have to, but ultimately, I am alone. I will quit. I WILL quit. I will quit.

Yesterday, today and probably tomorrow, I wish I could change who I am.

coffee shirt girl

Silent Kiss

My heart is starting to try to
Interpret what yours tries to hide
Reading thoughts aloud
Streaming from your mind
– I wish.
It’s just silence.

But over here it’s loud and clear
I’m ready to drown but covered in fear
There’s probably a way to wash this clean
I guess we’ll find out eventually
But not today

Your kisses say a thousand things
And
Nothing at all

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

the blue marble

Welcome to Earth

“Welcome to the planet. Welcome to existence. Everyone’s here, everyone’s here. Everybody’s watching you now. Everybody waits for you now. What happens next? What happens next? I dare you to move. I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move. I dare you to move like today never happened. Today never happened before. Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here. Tension is here between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here. I dare you to move. I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move. I dare you to move like today never happened. Today never happened, today never happened, today never happened before.”

Dare You to Move – Switchfoot

girl cartoon love

Free, Cliche, Hope

Are you gonna wander in tomorrow?
Get your coffee to go, so we can say hello
“Hey it’s nice to meet you” (maybe we’ll be forever)
Maybe it’s you
Maybe you could put me back together

Because I see you everywhere I go
All over faces that I don’t know (yet)
Are you gonna write the next track with me?
Are you gonna help me set me free?
I think we should try, I’d like to give it a shot
More than that, I’ll give it all I got

And I’ll say the most cliche things
That anyone’s ever said to you
But you know a cliche’s a cliche
Because it’s true

Acoustic songs and upbeat lyrics
Make me think I won’t miss this
(Miss, miss out on love that is, is)

Maybe every last kiss was meant to be
Maybe there’s hope for people like me
Maybe we’ll (I’ll) make it, maybe we’ll (I’ll) get free

sunlight girl

The Same Song (Memories) Over and Over

I keep posting this song called, “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift…every now and then in my blogs…because it reflects my most recent relationship…And me posting it and almost crying every time I hear it, and singing my heart out to it over and over tells me that I am still mourning that relationship…And I hate that I am. And it’s only a part of me because most of me is fine. But there is that part that’s still going…and I wonder when it will disappear? I feel like I’m mourning and releasing it every time I listen to this song, how many more times do I need to feel and sing it? It’s the same song over and over, written all over my heart. I know there’s still a hole in my heart still and it’s filled up with these lyrics crammed into it, trying to fill it. And there’s band aids on the top but the bleeding hasn’t stopped. And it’s really intense for me to admit that and to realise it. I doubt he knows. And there’s no going back and I don’t want to, I just want to heal. When do we get to stop trying to repair ourselves from old wounds? When is that time? Where is that place? I’ll let you know if I ever find it. And I’m watching this video of Taylor singing this song live and she’s crying and she’s saying that the good memories can haunt you and create scars just as deep as the bad ones, sometimes even worse. That’s what hurts us when we lose someone. At first it’s the pain and trauma of the ending, but then it’s the loss of the rest of it. So, I think I am still mourning. That’s what mourning and grief are, right? Maybe I’m mourning over that part of me too. I like having someone to love and when it ended, that aspect of who I am dissolved. And I want it back. But you can’t do that when it’s just you. Well, on the other hand I guess you can try with all your heart to love you, but who really believes that that’s all they need? I don’t know if anyone does if they asked themselves and were able to get past all of the lies they might be holding onto believing within themselves – like, ‘it’s okay to be alone’ or ‘I can just love me’. Well, that’s true. But I believe that humans were designed to love others as well. Designed to embody love and extend ourselves in that way to one another as well as ourselves, without inhibition. It’s a grave error to believe otherwise, but it can be what we tell ourselves to make us feel strong or self empowered in the times when we’ve lost. But in the end, behind and beneath it all, you’ve still lost something you loved and you’ve lost being able to love something, and that combination is lethal to the human heart. Or mine, anyway.

ALL TOO WELL

*Italics – my haunting memories
*Underline and the bold –  the truest truth

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.
(Laughing on the couch, wearing your shirt but separate beds, still tried to kiss you, I left when I thought you were asleep, driving home at 1am, crying all the way, left the shirt and a note: “I am an idiot”)
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house,
And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
(I remember: One hand on the steering wheel, the other in mine)
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.

‘Cause there we are again on that little town street.
(The wedding in the coldest town I’ve ever been
Shivering with champagne)
You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed
(Hair like I’d never seen)
And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me?
(I will never know)

And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…

‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
(We did, I did)
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
(You were) running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise
(Still angry at this second injury: I don’t want to be)
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
(The night of the second-first kiss, the conversation: ‘I still love you too’, the second try
Then: the last chapter, the silence, the gardens, the end)

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
(Still in my drawer, hidden beneath layers of armour)
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it ’cause you remember it all too well, yeah

‘Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
(I did)
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare (It was), I was there, I remember it all too well (I do)

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all (Probably, maybe, I could never guess)
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Pause for the Dark

Pause for the Dark (Your Sometimes Friend)

 

I pause for the dark

Looking for some kind of sign

But you’re not anywhere to be found

Yet your silence is so god damn loud

 

Water’s falling

On the creaking floor boards

Rain’s flooding at my feet

But you don’t move

It’s not your problem

‘get yourself a towel’ you say

As I get washed away

I washed away

 

I left behind a trail of dust

That you explore with your fingers

But only at dusk

When I’m just

Air

Nothing there

Not stable enough for you to have to touch

Not real enough for you to have to love

Just there when you want me

Your sometimes friend

That’s all you wanted in the end

And I realised it way too late

 

oh god if I had have just been smarter

could this have hurt any harder

I don’t think so

Glad I won’t know

because I’m faded away now

now we’re at the end

Goodbye

Just take me back to the ocean.

 

 

On Losing Friends

I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).

Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.

Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).

I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
dying rose
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.

I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.

Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.

I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.

I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure


P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.

I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
cats sunlight

 

“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”

– Only Human by Christina Perri