mental health

emotions image

Fight or Feel?

A lot of our pain comes from resisting our emotions. The fact is that YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL.

You can try to erase and/or force changing the feeling to a different, more positive feeling but this either perpetuates the strength of the feeling and it’s pervasiveness (when you focus on what you do not want (the feeling) you get more of what you do not want (the feeling) – this universe responds to focus only. It is not responsive to ‘want’ vs. ‘don’t want’, only focus), making it pretty much impossible for you to change it or erase it OR if you do manage to change or erase it (by running away from it, by resisting it), the feeling is suppressed, not truly gone.

This feeling that you do not wish to feel, that you have suppressed will then come up as an intense over reaction to something that triggers that same feeling at a later date (and could also manifest as illness or a point of attraction for negative experiences that will force you to feel that feeling once again).

It is okay to want to change a negative feeling to a positive feeling. It is not okay for you to do this by force because of the aforementioned consequences. You can only truly move past a negative feeling by allowing it to BE, allowing yourself to FEEL it. You WILL find that when you face it and feel the feeling, it will pass and it will naturally TRANSFORM into a more positive feeling state on it’s own.

Resistance is a dire disease of the human race at this time. Our negative emotions are not our enemy. They are our signals that we are not in alignment with what is beneficial for our highest good. They are signs that will lead you to your greater joy if only you allow them to be as they are and transform into the beauty they are intended to become.

mental health brain

Cymbalta (SNRI Medication) Tapering Off/Withdrawal

I think it’s been almost a week since I took my last (30mg) Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI) tablet.
The following is what I have been experiencing as result:

  • Chills/hot flushes – sometimes in separate areas on my body e.g. legs are cold but head and arms are on fire.
  • Nausea. A lot of nausea.
  • First couple of days – really tired.
  • Irritability. That was something I struggled with a lot before going on any medication. Apparently it goes under the heading of ‘hypomanic symptoms’. But now that I am more self aware I am really going to try and get to the bottom of such responses instead of just being like, ‘oh well, stupid bipolar. can’t do anything about those.’
  • Very slightly blurred vision – really hoping that one will go away soon. Super annoying.
  • Few days after the initial few feelingreallytired days I actually had increased energy levels. I even had the urge to ‘get busy’ which is why I created that HOLIDAYS special going on at my site (for my animal communication and psychic channelling services) – want more customers to have more to do!
  • Enhanced emotional response to sad or touching scenes in tv shows/stuff on the news/beautiful music – like literally, tears welling up about 1 second into the family hug on ‘Modern Family’, I’m like, ‘IT’S JUST SO WONDERFUL FOR THEM’. Then when it’s gone a second later, ‘whattt the heck was that about me’.
  • Off and on I have felt like there was ‘all this energy coming at me’ like pin pricks from all directions. It’s been a thing of mine where I see/read/feel non physical energy, sometimes, in the form of TEXTURES. And it’s not like I feel it as a physical sensation but it’s like…those are the best describing words…and yea I just felt all the energy poking me and shooting at me. It was okay but once or twice it seemed to be ‘coming from’ the TV and I was like ‘aaahh!’ and had to move away from it. I can’t remember what I was looking at but I remember wondering why I would be feeling that because it wasn’t anything that had a particular emotional charge or feel behind it. I think I was just scrolling through Reddit or something absent mindedly…
  • Cold/flu like symptoms in the way of sniffing and (very slight) sore throat. Granted, I may actually just have a cold coming on but I also think I read somewhere it can be a side effect of discontinuing Cymbalta so it’s going on the list anyways…
  • At night when I go to bed, I am trying to ‘feel my feelings’ instead of blocking them out by scrolling through facebook on my phone until I fall asleep. My phone has actually broken at the moment and I’m using a crappy not-a-smart-phone one where I can’t use the internet on it…perhaps this is the greater reason why that occurred…so I would be forced to feel my feelings at night that I usually try to avoid. I am pretty good at allowing myself to feel it all during the day but I have always been really thingy about it at night time… It is odd that in this time of emotional sensitivity I have come to a place of consciously ‘facing my feelings’ at night… Speaking of which, I had a dream about it all where I got some answers relative to some particular emotional issues I have been thinking about. Perhaps that was a by product of me choosing to face it all just before I went to sleep…so yay! This has gone on this list because I wonder if a) the emotional sensitivity I feel is somehow inspiring me to consciously be in a space of consciously feeling more and/or b) the medication was part of what was blocking me from all of that^.

And well, that seems to be all so far. The hot flushes/cold chills and the nausea is what is bothering me the most. Combining that with the waves of extra energy is simply annoying…cause I wanna go do stuff cause I’m energetic yet I can’t because I feel sick. Erggh.


Discontinuing Antidepressants (Bipolar Disorder 2): Day 2

bipolar owl meme

Bipolar Owl

I was going to write some kind of formal journal for this process, but I don’t think I would be inspired everyday to keep up with it. So, I’m just going to write about this when I feel like it. I will probably compile into some kind of more impressive article sometime in the future. Anyway, so:

I have diagnosed Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It is my opinion, however, that the anxiety disorder has passed and was more a symptom or consequence of when the Bipolar had a stronger hold on me, back in the day, when I was first diagnosed and such.

This diagnosis is what propelled me further into my spiritual journey and thus I now have many new thoughts and beliefs about Bipolar Disorder/other mental illnesses, their cause and how best to treat them.
Regardless of that, I am not in disagreement with my diagnosis or ‘one of those people’ who think that modern medicine and pharmaceutical treatments do not have their place in certain circumstances when it comes to health and well-being. It’s more like – I appreciate them and support their use for short periods of time, but I know them not to be the cure now (for anything). If I had not gotten onto medication at that time in my life, simply put, I would have died. I would have killed myself if that chemical balance was not treated and levelled via the prescribed medicines.

bipolar owl meme dsm

Bipolar Owl

Since being diagnosed when I was 19, (I am 23 now, by the way) I have been on an SNRI called Cymbalta (Duloxetine HCI) and Lamictal (Lamotrogine). Cymbalta treats my depression and anxiety, the Lamotrogine is used as a mood stabiliser – it manages the hypomanic symptoms/episodes, or ‘the highs’ that come with bipolar disorder (Lamotrogine is actually an anti-epileptic but is used by a lot of doctors for managing bipolar disorder type 2 as well).

The prescription was for 120mg of Cymbalta (2 60mg tablets, 1 in the morning and 1 at night) and 400mg of Lamotrogine (2 200mg tablets, 1 in the morning and 1 at night).

Two years ago I reduced the Cymbalta to just 60mg.

Last year I reduced the Lamotrogine to 300mg.

It is only in this year that the lowering of the dosages have been implemented with the intention of actually removing the medication. At first I just wanted to lower them to reduce the amount and strength of the annoying side effects that these medications cause.

This year I reduced the Cymbalta to 30mg and I reduced the Lamotrogine to 200mg.

As of two days ago, I am now taking the 30mg of Cymbalta every second day, with the intention of stopping completely in a few weeks. My doctor said that if I am managing at 30mg it’s a good sign because apparently it is not usually a prescribed amount at all because it’s so low, and is only used when people are just starting or are coming off of Cymbalta.

The Lamotrogine is sticking around for now. We will see how we go. But I am already noticing the effects of lowering the Cymbalta to this degree, which are as follows:

– Irritability/easily irritated. Irritability is a lesser known symptom of bipolar disorder – it comes under the umbrella of the hypomanic symptoms. I would not say that I am or have been feeling hypomanic properly, just the irritability part. Also, I got my period last night, so the usual affect on mood that PMS can have probably played a role in this as well.

– Increased sensitivity to emotional music, film scenes etc. This began with the 30mg even before this ‘only taking it every second day’ thing. It’s nothing drastic. It’s just a stronger swell of emotion. I find this particularly interesting because maybe it means that the medicine was suppressing not just intense depressive emotional responses, but also normal, natural ones too. Not cool, medicine, not cool.

– I am starting to see more non-physical activity e.g. energy moving through the air, faeries floating around, auras etc. As explained in this blog post, when it comes to my ability to literally see psychic stimuli with my physical eyes, as opposed to using my inner, third eye, I am still a learner.

– Yesterday I was very dizzy for about half an hour or so (had a nap after that so who knows, it may have continued if I’d stayed awake), but I am pretty sure that was mostly due to the crazy solar flares going on at the moment (far out they are intense!), but we’ll add it to the list just in case. (I am very sensitive to strong solar flare activity. See this cool website for more info about that:

– Aaand today I have a headache. But I could just have a headache.

Conclusion – Today’s Mental Health Thought:

“I have to say that knowing how to really feel my true emotions and allowing them, identifying the thoughts that caused my emotions and allowing them, has saved me and will continue to save me. Healing those thoughts and replacing them with more positive thoughts, in that moment, that’s the cure. Now, breathe and repeat this in the next moment as well, and the next, and the next, and the next…. That’s the cure.”

Anger Phobia

I realised I have ‘anger phobia’.

Being around or exposed to anger makes me extremely uncomfortable…and I suppose that’s usual because that’s an unpleasant environment for anyone BUT what I mean is, as soon as I see an inkling…I am ready to bail. For example, if I’m at a dinner and someone starts talking about some kind of political or ethical subject they are passionately against, I will straight away start to feel tense and start to feel knots in my stomach. I expect them to move into anger and get a bit crazy. I suppose we could call it a hypersensitivity to anger. Side Note: I know that this is partially due to growing up with a dad with a short temper. I will be reflecting upon that in the next few entries. But for right now… This is a separate, but intertwined issue that needs to be addressed at a later date and is not the main point tonight.

So, anyway.
The last little while I’ve been trying to make sure that I express my emotions and don’t just cover them up with excessive spiritual optimism (so I don’t have to feel them). This is not the best way of going about things, this is what causes energy blockages. It is best to fully express one’s emotions and only then reorient your focus to things that make you feel good.
So for me personally, the question seems to be…how can I be okay with feeling angry about something when I see it from the ‘higher perspective’ or ‘bigger picture’ outlook? What I mean is, say a friend just heard some bad news, I ask him something, friend snaps at me or says something rude, I will feel a wave of pain, but then think to myself, “he didn’t mean it, he is just already feeling upset, so he’s lashing out.” and move on as quickly as possible, turning my attention to something that feels emotionally good.

When something happens that causes me to feel anger, I always see the higher perspective of things amidst my waves of anger and frustration. So, because I see that, I then feel guilty and ridiculous that I’m angry. Another example: friend is late to seeing a movie, I feel angry, friend was late because of traffic, I realise it is legitimately not their fault they’re late. It was the traffic. So, I grumpily ignore the anger and we move on.

psyduck pokemon

If you know who this is, you sir, are awesome.

Seeing the higher perspective in this way is sometimes known as a form of spiritual bypassing. It’s important to feel one’s emotions and allow the personal ‘human’ side to express itself. It is important to remain ‘real’ and true to yourself and your feelings, your life.
But…I’m actually confused right now.

I seem to condemn and shame myself for feeling angry via this understanding of the bigger picture.
And I realise this is wrong. But it doesn’t make the validity of the bigger picture reasoning any less.
Being angry feels irrational and stupid in light of that.

My Question:

How do I reconcile this?

I am open to suggestions because I’m really struggling with this one.


To be continued…

The Worst Case Scenario.

Discovering and experiencing the worst case scenario of each of my current worries (in order to release that vibration and discover the root cause):

B gets a new girlfriend:
I imagine myself feeling discarded, replaced and unworthy of his love. I imagine them holding hands…him saying all the things he used to say to me…to her.
What is it about her that makes her worthy = what is it about me that makes me unworthy? (of his love)?
Why do I think I need his love? Why would it be so bad if I did not have his love?
(And here is the realisation or the remembrance that I do not have his love [hence the breaking up]).
Because if I don’t have his love, there must be something unlovable about me.
What does it mean to me to be unlovable?
It means no one thinks I’m any good. No one thinks I’m worthy…of love.
If I’m not worthy of love…I’ll be unloved…If I’m not loved…I’ll be alone…If I’m alone…
What would be wrong with being alone?
I’ll be unprotected… I’ll be susceptible to more pain… I’ll be in pain.

I’m not sure where to go from there. I am sleepy. Must not fall back asleep.