girl window art

Beauty, Blank, Begin.

I realised I downplay my beauty for fear of being seen.

Why (do I fear)? (What do I fear?)

Not sure.

Lately I have felt blank.

I realised it is a newness of being. I think my concept of time is falling away. My world has literally moved in slow motion a couple of times in the last few days. I saw the movement of reality slow. It feels stagnant but yet it is movement. It is the perfect time to create. To begin. That is what the now is. It is a single everlasting moment.

I dance in this moment of blankness, of beauty and of beginning for reasons yet unknown to me.


Remaining in ‘The Now’

I am sitting here in a state of anxiety. I’m worried about a lot of things. Mostly money. But today, I decided to do what I sometimes do when I remember to: be in the moment. Which is always said by ‘spiritual people’ and is always easier said than done.

Here is what I do:

When I start worrying about something and experiencing anxiety (note: anxiety is a feeling of insecurity about the future), I say to myself, “I will worry about that later” thereby still allowing the emotion, but promoting a better feeling in this moment via following this with, “Right now, what am I doing? I’m sitting here. Typing.” I then look at my fingers on the keyboard, I feel the plastic-y yet soft feeling of it against my fingertips. I listen to the sounds that I can hear, too. I hear the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard…I’ve always loved that sound. I hear birds whistling outside through the open window. I appreciate their song (did you know that animals communicate mostly via telepathy, they only make noise out of primitive instinct or for the joy of the song). I then ask myself, “What would I like to do, or think about right now?” in this moment, the answer is, “I’d like to continue typing and enjoying this music. Right now, that’s all I’m doing. I can worry in the next moment, if I want to.” and I may add, “I will worry about the next moment, in the next moment.” And as said next moment comes around, I repeat this process. “What am I doing right now? Would I like to do something else?”.

And I do put in effort to be honest with myself. I ask myself, “What would I really like to be doing. (in case thoughts about what I think I ‘should’ be doing invade, e.g. “look harder for a job! edit resume! (exclamation point to exemplify the feeling of panic behind those thoughts)’.  Or,  I might insert a feeling of guilt over the top of me doing this process, because I think I ‘should’ be doing the aforementioned things.)
Or, if I would like to go into the emotion and query the deeper reason behind these anxious feelings, I would ask myself, “What am I really worrying about? What am I really afraid of?” In this case the topic of concern is money and future bills to pay, so the answer is, “I’m worried I’ll have to ask my parents for money again and they might not have it and (I think, or they may think that) I’m just this terrible leech and they will look down on me and feel that I don’t care.” then I ask myself, “What can I do to resolve this concern?” And right now, I think the answer/s would be, “I will just be honest. They will listen. They know I am not these things I fear I will come across as – apathetic or heartless.”
Then, as we all often do, I envision this scenario (usually involuntarily, y’know how that happens in your head, thinking about all the conversations that could happen, but in this case, I take control of how it goes):

Here I go.
What I will say to Mum/Dad:
“I know that it might seem that I don’t care and that I am careless with money but I am really trying to improve. I really appreciate everything you do for me and how much you care about me. I am always coping as best I can in each moment, as we all are (I really believe in the sentence I heard a while back, “People do the best they can, with the perspective they hold and the knowledge they have, at the time.” All people are good inside. Sometimes it’s just buried, and often they don’t even know it).
If this is too much to ask, I am prepared to look at other avenues. I’m not sure what yet but I will look into it as best I can. At this point, all I can do is ask for help and assure you that I realise the toll it takes on you and that I care and I love you.”

And, by doing and saying all of this, I am thereby alleviating my own anxiety (adding a big, deep breath here) by knowing that they are likely to understand and that I did do the best I could, with the perspective and the experience that I have at this time. And I take pride in that, I do. I acknowledge and appreciate that aspect of me that is honourable in this, in my honesty.
I spoke my truth. I excavated all this shit for the benefit of those that I ask a lot of.
And, (taking another deep breath here), I know that this too shall pass.

Now, as I glance out the window at the sun and the leaves on the trees, bathed in the light…I’m asking myself, “What do I want to do now?”. The answer is: “I want to insert a picture into this entry, finish it up. Then I will probably go get dressed and drive into town (involuntarily envisioning myself driving down the road with the window open and the light and air on my face. It feels nice).”

But when I stand up and walk into my room to finish getting dressed, I will ask myself all of these same questions again. “How do I feel about what I’m doing now?”, “Do I still want to go into town?” And if the answer is “No”, that’s okay. I’ll ask myself these same questions again in the next few moments, and maybe the answer will change to “yes”, and maybe it won’t, and that’s okay because I am doing the best with what I have and the perspective that I hold at this time, and that is enough (deep breath here).

I hope that sharing this helps some people who may be reading this. : ) I love you all.

lao tzu peace