“The reason you incarnated here was to be human on every level. Suffering is different to pain. Pain is a pure messenger that transforms. Suffering is the result of not allowing pain, of resisting it.
It is time to admit to why we are here.
We are here to be ourselves on every aspect, every level. We are here to feel ourselves. You cannot exist peacefully in…” [click to read more]
The Painful Illusion (The Enemy of Death)
Stealing away our heart beat
It comes in the middle of the night
Taints the first day of the week
And robs you of their sight
Death has been personified
In this dark fall
Autumn bled her mystery
And now I am at her call
Winter marches on
Stole my breath in it’s wake
I cannot belong
On a planet with pain so great
I know I could go back
To where I first began
But I am sure the glass is sharp there too
I realised I have been slightly avoiding my journey… or rather, it’s destination.
Last night I went to a party and I had been talking with some people there about what I do as a spiritual intuitive. The word ‘psychic’ was thrown in there. Another girl who was not quite part of the conversation overheard and said, “Wait, you’re a psychic?!” I said, “Basically” she responded, “Oh! Does that mean you know everything about me?!!?!” I said, “yesss totallyyy… haha no, not at all.”
Last night I went to a party and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
Today I went to lunch with my family and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
If I had not been born into the family I was born into and received the negative imprint of ‘not belonging’ I would not have become who I am today and especially not who I am in this moment.
Last night and today I had a sudden surrender to the part of me that feels like I do not belong. Surrender as in, I allowed myself to feel not belonging. I stopped wanting to change it.
There is this idea that we MUST belong and if we do not belong then we are something bad or something negative and THAT is the pain of not belonging, not the not belonging itself.
I have found today that one can be perfectly peaceful in not belonging. I do not belong. Once I said those words to myself, I sighed and said it again, I do not belong. And then, THEN all these realisations came to me. I settled into not belonging and just as I did that I realised that me feeling that I do not belong is just another part of the reason that I DO belong.
I started to see myself as an essential piece of the puzzle that is my family.
I started to see myself as a beneficial contribution to the group of people that surrounded me at that party (this scenario – me in a group of people – is the perfect metaphor for my whole general feeling of not belonging, it is not an attribution to those people personally).
Because I am so sensitive and empathic I have been able to experience the majority of emotions that are on the human emotional spectrum. This makes me an excellent supporter for others in all areas of love (Note: I meant to only write ‘in all areas of life’ but when I went to write ‘life’ I ‘accidentally’, automatically typed ‘love’ instead. Oh, what a truth it is).
I am a unique person in most areas of society. I am a conscious creator. I am a helper and I help others to awaken, to become conscious of their own creativity.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have settled so deeply inside myself thereby discovering who I truly am quite quickly.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have fallen into depression/bipolar aka my ‘awakening’.
If I felt that I did belong I would not be able to completely empathise with others who feel that they do not belong.
If I felt that I did belong I would probably not be as connected to animals as I am.
Part of the problem has been that I have actually not been embracing this aspect of me, this aspect that I have deemed as not belonging and therefore wrong, an error, a mistake when really all of that wording and that wrongness can be replaced with unique.
When that girl said, ‘what WHO’S the PSYCHIC?!!’ and everyone looked at me and her reaction of, ‘oh no! you can know anything about me?!’ I felt a very intense wave of I-do-not-belong. I felt that I DEFINITELY DO NOT BELONG. I had already been feeling this way, as I do in general as I said but also as I do when it comes to large social gatherings, but in that moment I felt like I had just seen the evidence of this truth that I do not belong.
A truth that I had declared as truth in my mind a long time ago.
Later on I still felt not belonging, I felt I wanted to go home. But I stayed. I said to myself, “Maybe I can do this, maybe I will be alright.” And I stayed and I found that I looked around the room and people were laughing with me and talking to me of their own volition and it completely changed my view.
Nothing is ever definitively true except in your mind and your mind is malleable.
Today at family lunch I looked at my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband and my mum and dad and I considered each of them in my mind individually. As I glanced I started seeing or hearing or sensing or just knowing the ways in which I have helped them or could help them in their lives just by me being a part of this family.
My mum needs me to be someone who understands her and her emotional sensitivity.
My dad needs me to hold space for him as he unknowingly grieves and fears on the inside.
My brother needs me to teach him how to be unique in the world and have it be okay.
My sister needs me to be an emotional bridge for her when she falls.
My sister in law needs me to increase her trust in her ability to love unconditionally.
My brother in law needs me to show him that kindness is out there and that self love is of value.
I need each of them to be inspired to learn how to love myself unconditionally and how to find a home and make sense of a world that does not always make sense to me and that I do not always make sense to.
The problem has been that I have deemed all of my issues as wrong. AS issues. I have deemed all of the situations, circumstances or experiences in my life that cause me pain as WRONG and so I have suffered tremendously.
It is okay that I do not belong. It is okay that I feel that I do not belong.
It is okay that I feel I was born in the ‘wrong’ family.
It is okay that I feel others think I am ‘just wrong’.
(For both of the above: ‘wrong’ = mistake. I feel I am a mistake in these situations. I feel I am not as good as them. I feel there was some error in my creation and placement within this creation).
However. It is not possible for me to not belong because I am here. I belong in not belonging. It is my lesson. My home. My precious journey.
You belong everywhere. You belong in every moment that passes you by.
I used to think I was a strong person. But maybe I was just lying to myself.
The fact that I’m still alive with scars on my wrist is what helps me keep telling the lie.
But honestly, although I like to think that I could love someone again, I don’t know that I could.
People leave and then you’re alone and crying.
And though it’s great in the beginning, and usually the middle. There’s always the end. Always.
Being broken up with twice, and breaking up with someone once due to them clearly not loving me any more…so basically, having three people fall out of love with me, leads one to believe in one’s flaws more than one’s (apparent) positives.
They saw too many flaws and faults, so they left. And that’s the truth of it.
No amount of positive thinking can change that bottom line.
I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).
Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.
Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).
I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.
I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.
Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.
I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.
I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure
P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.
“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”
– Only Human by Christina Perri
There has been many a time when, in an argument, all I want is to be understood…as soon as that happens, the pain fades and there is room for forgiveness and clarity that allows for resolution. I see this in other’s as well and it astounds me that many times, these same people do not see this simple truth!
We all want to be understood, just that alleviates the pain so much.
I have faith. I have faith in people. I have so much faith in people, to my own detriment.
I keep waiting for people to change because I believe they can, I KNOW people can. But they have to want it, they have to believe it first.
And they never do and they don’t and they won’t.
I keep waiting for B to realise…and to realise that things do get better.
LIFE CHANGES. It is the only constant. And the fact that life changes means there is both good and bad and why am I the only one who takes note of the good?
I wish I lived in a world where everyone knew that anything is possible. I wish more people believed in second chances…for me, for themselves, for the world.
Everyone’s in pain and you can find a band aid if only you try.
I feel sad and like I’ve gone backwards. I know that is not possible. But it is another layer of the same vibration that has come about so it ‘feels’ like one is going backwards. Perhaps I should recall the fact that the worse something is that you go through, the more wonderful the other side will be. I said that last night actually. I think it was last night. My lack of sleep has kind of blended the days together as of late.
Why do I want what I know is bad? And if I know it’s bad, why do I want it? Why does that knowing not override the feeling… And I know the answer to that too – because of the hidden positive intention (self preservation…to be discussed at another time).
“But it was the perfect disease we had…
We all need someone to drive us mad.” (apparently).
I don’t know how many days it’s been. I don’t know the whys or the hows. But I do – I know all the answers. But I obviously…obviously I don’t.
The facts remain yet the feelings stain.
I wish they’d fade.
But these jeans are holding on tight
To old plans we laid.
I know if we were to rewind it would all go the same
But I keep playing it back
I hope someday I’ll forget your name
But I wouldn’t want that.