I realised I have been slightly avoiding my journey… or rather, it’s destination.
Last night I went to a party and I had been talking with some people there about what I do as a spiritual intuitive. The word ‘psychic’ was thrown in there. Another girl who was not quite part of the conversation overheard and said, “Wait, you’re a psychic?!” I said, “Basically” she responded, “Oh! Does that mean you know everything about me?!!?!” I said, “yesss totallyyy… haha no, not at all.”
Last night I went to a party and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
Today I went to lunch with my family and I felt like I did not belong and then I realised that I do.
If I had not been born into the family I was born into and received the negative imprint of ‘not belonging’ I would not have become who I am today and especially not who I am in this moment.
Last night and today I had a sudden surrender to the part of me that feels like I do not belong. Surrender as in, I allowed myself to feel not belonging. I stopped wanting to change it.
There is this idea that we MUST belong and if we do not belong then we are something bad or something negative and THAT is the pain of not belonging, not the not belonging itself.
I have found today that one can be perfectly peaceful in not belonging. I do not belong. Once I said those words to myself, I sighed and said it again, I do not belong. And then, THEN all these realisations came to me. I settled into not belonging and just as I did that I realised that me feeling that I do not belong is just another part of the reason that I DO belong.
I started to see myself as an essential piece of the puzzle that is my family.
I started to see myself as a beneficial contribution to the group of people that surrounded me at that party (this scenario – me in a group of people – is the perfect metaphor for my whole general feeling of not belonging, it is not an attribution to those people personally).
Because I am so sensitive and empathic I have been able to experience the majority of emotions that are on the human emotional spectrum. This makes me an excellent supporter for others in all areas of love (Note: I meant to only write ‘in all areas of life’ but when I went to write ‘life’ I ‘accidentally’, automatically typed ‘love’ instead. Oh, what a truth it is).
I am a unique person in most areas of society. I am a conscious creator. I am a helper and I help others to awaken, to become conscious of their own creativity.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have settled so deeply inside myself thereby discovering who I truly am quite quickly.
If I felt that I did belong I would not have fallen into depression/bipolar aka my ‘awakening’.
If I felt that I did belong I would not be able to completely empathise with others who feel that they do not belong.
If I felt that I did belong I would probably not be as connected to animals as I am.
Part of the problem has been that I have actually not been embracing this aspect of me, this aspect that I have deemed as not belonging and therefore wrong, an error, a mistake when really all of that wording and that wrongness can be replaced with unique.
When that girl said, ‘what WHO’S the PSYCHIC?!!’ and everyone looked at me and her reaction of, ‘oh no! you can know anything about me?!’ I felt a very intense wave of I-do-not-belong. I felt that I DEFINITELY DO NOT BELONG. I had already been feeling this way, as I do in general as I said but also as I do when it comes to large social gatherings, but in that moment I felt like I had just seen the evidence of this truth that I do not belong.
A truth that I had declared as truth in my mind a long time ago.
Later on I still felt not belonging, I felt I wanted to go home. But I stayed. I said to myself, “Maybe I can do this, maybe I will be alright.” And I stayed and I found that I looked around the room and people were laughing with me and talking to me of their own volition and it completely changed my view.
Nothing is ever definitively true except in your mind and your mind is malleable.
Today at family lunch I looked at my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband and my mum and dad and I considered each of them in my mind individually. As I glanced I started seeing or hearing or sensing or just knowing the ways in which I have helped them or could help them in their lives just by me being a part of this family.
My mum needs me to be someone who understands her and her emotional sensitivity.
My dad needs me to hold space for him as he unknowingly grieves and fears on the inside.
My brother needs me to teach him how to be unique in the world and have it be okay.
My sister needs me to be an emotional bridge for her when she falls.
My sister in law needs me to increase her trust in her ability to love unconditionally.
My brother in law needs me to show him that kindness is out there and that self love is of value.
I need each of them to be inspired to learn how to love myself unconditionally and how to find a home and make sense of a world that does not always make sense to me and that I do not always make sense to.
The problem has been that I have deemed all of my issues as wrong. AS issues. I have deemed all of the situations, circumstances or experiences in my life that cause me pain as WRONG and so I have suffered tremendously.
It is okay that I do not belong. It is okay that I feel that I do not belong.
It is okay that I feel I was born in the ‘wrong’ family.
It is okay that I feel others think I am ‘just wrong’.
(For both of the above: ‘wrong’ = mistake. I feel I am a mistake in these situations. I feel I am not as good as them. I feel there was some error in my creation and placement within this creation).
However. It is not possible for me to not belong because I am here. I belong in not belonging. It is my lesson. My home. My precious journey.
You belong everywhere. You belong in every moment that passes you by.