Things I have learnt today:
Sometimes you can feel really stagnant and generally direction-less, and on the same day hear that others are admiringly calling you a badass behind your back.
(I thought I was spiritually stunted these last couple of weeks, when I have in fact been flying – fast and without aim, yet ending up exactly where I needed to be).
I’ve recently discovered that in all of my relationships I have experienced intensely conditional love. It is so obvious to me now. The words from past lovers that I replay in my head, they’re in big capital letters; standing there burning with embers that just don’t, won’t burn out.
My first boyfriend – it was that he loved me until I started to get depressed and emotional (from 17-18 years old – this was the onset stage of severe depression –> bipolar disorder (type II). This was officially diagnosed some time later).
Burning Quote: “/frustratedsigh My only problems are your problems!”
My second boyfriend – he sort of had this list in his head of stuff that I did/didn’t do that was bothering him…and they were just general aspects about how I had been acting over the last few months aka how I was being, who I was. I was attending TAFE doing Vet Nursing at the time and I kept not going to my weekly trainee job at the Veterinary practice I was training at. Or I would be really late. Or I would leave early. The reason behind this was the anxiety that it made me feel. The reason behind the anxiety was that, as it turned out, Vet Nursing was not something I was meant to, and ended up not wanting to continue.
Burning Quote: “I want a girlfriend that dresses pretty, not just when we go out. You know, how you used to always wear rings and jewellery and stuff when you came over…”
Sort-of-boyfriend (dated/lived together at university accommodation for about 2 months before his exchange ended and he returned to Sweden) – basically tried to end things after the night he found that I had cut myself during a horrible night of suicidal thoughts and depression. Also, turned into a jerk one night when I said I didn’t want to have sex until I had got my contraceptive pill regime all set up.
Burning Quote: “I don’t know, Becc. Maybe you’re just addicted to negative thought.” and “You should get up and go for a walk.” AKA “It’s probably your fault your depressed, you should exercise like everyone else, you’re just being lazy.”
My third boyfriend – he didn’t like that I didn’t go to work as much as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t have as much money as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t eat as healthily as I should. He didn’t like that I never exercised like I should. He didn’t like the spiritual aspect of me either. He was embarrassed to be the boyfriend of the girl who talks to cats.
Burning Quote: “I hate that I have to be like, to my friends, “Here’s my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend, Becc…oh and, by the way, yea, she thinks she can talk to animals. /harshsarcasm”
As you can see all of these things are based around the idea of ‘SHOULDS’.
“You SHOULD be happier (even though you clearly have depression.)”
“You SHOULD go to work (even when you feel anxious or dislike what you’re doing.)”
“You SHOULD have more money (even though you yourself seem to not mind.)”
“You SHOULD exercise (even though you yourself seem to not want to and what you do with your body is your choice.)”
“You SHOULD dress better (even though you deserve love even when you’re not wearing pretty clothes.)”
“You SHOULD eat better (even though what you do with your body and diet is your choice and doesn’t really affect me.)”
I have constantly been loved until…
Until I don’t meet certain standards – these standards that others hold themselves to because it was instilled in them from society, the education system and their parents (and their parents, the same, and their parents’ parents, the same, and so on, generations back…).
The people who have loved me, have loved me conditionally. They have loved me on the condition that I fit their idea of what makes a person worthy of love (including them, themselves). Upon reflection I can now see that these standards and conditions are coincidentally an exact match to what I (and you, the reader, may also) consider to be most of the ‘shoulds’ of the standard citizen in our current society:
The model citizen:
Eats a healthy diet, has a steady income, exercises, has savings, dresses ‘well’ (who decides?), works a ‘normal-sounding-not-talking-to-animals-or-dead-people-kind-of-job’ and doesn’t believe there is more than meets the eye to their reality. They preferably have some kind of big, ambitious career plan or goal, and/or are studying a vocational degree or apprenticeship (something that allows them to slide easily into the generic work force of today) and is always or most of the time a happy person (easy to deal with).
And you know, the above is a great way to be. Really. But not if it doesn’t feel good to you. Exercising and eating a healthy diet is obviously a good thing for anyone and everyone to do…only if it is truly self loving.
What is truly self loving always feels good.
A little example:
If you are deciding between eating a cheeseburger and a salad, and you truly feel emotionally negative when you consider eating the salad instead of the cheeseburger – guess what? It is self loving to eat the cheeseburger. It is self abusive to force yourself to eat the salad.
That negative feeling and those negative thoughts, about how icky the salad is, that you’ll probably have as you eat, is your body and soul telling you that this is not a good experience, this is not a nice thing to do to yourself, this is not self loving. What is self loving, is to eat the cheeseburger. By doing this, you are at most slightly lowering your vibration (unless you feel really really great about that cheeseburger, you might even maintain or increase your vibration if eating it brings you true joy), which is bad, yes, BUT when you compare this to how low you would get with all the aforementioned negative thoughts and feelings running through your system, it’s nothing. It is always better for you to do what truly feels good.
This is how you grow self love. You do what makes you feel good. And over time, as you do this, soon it won’t feel self loving to eat a cheeseburger…
As your vibration raises, you will begin to naturally only be attracted to higher vibrational foods. You’ll go from loving cheeseburgers, to thinking they’re a bit icky looking, to choosing the salad over the cheeseburger, to being in such a good vibration relative to self love that you will find yourself at a place where cheeseburgers aren’t even available, or they’ll stop selling cheeseburgers at the regular place you go to because you are now sooo not a vibrational match to the frequency of cheeseburgers, that it is literally not possible for them to be in your experience any more.
Anyway, this is how we have to be with everything in our lives. What is self loving is always what feels good.
And I, haha, IIII got so confused and muddled in all of this that I convinced myself that I really did want the salad over the cheeseburger, but I only wanted the salad because I thought it would make others (and me) love me.
Now, think of yoga as the salad and not-yoga as the cheeseburger:
I thought I wanted to get back into yoga because it would be good for me – and I want what’s good for me because being healthy is good and stuff. And I do actually enjoy it once I actually begin, most of the time. But every time I have gone to start, I just don’t end up doing it. I procrastinate. And then I get mad at myself. But you know why I was procrastinating so much? Because it didn’t feel good to make that decision to actually go and do some yoga (/commence procrastination). And you know why it didn’t feel good? Because I didn’t/don’t actually want to do yoga. I want to do yoga so that I can say, “I am a person who exercises”, which (as I have concluded from past experiences) makes me worthy of love.
What I really want is unconditional love.
And it’s really actually kind of sad because me getting mad at myself for not doing yoga was me being those people who love conditionally. If I loved myself unconditionally, I wouldn’t have gotten mad at myself.
An unconditionally loving reaction would have been, “Oh well!” (or you know, nothing at all). But, the angry reaction I felt (at myself) is the evidence that I, myself, hold this kind of conditional love for myself as well, just like my past lovers…
Yoga is just one example. This applies to everything I thought I wanted:
Money, a healthy diet, physical fitness, a career…
But… when I look at all this, and I examine and I think in this new, air of truth…
Q. Do I really want money?
A. No. I don’t mind. I would be happy if my financial situation stayed the same.
True want/belief: I really want love from others and having money is the only way I can ensure I will have their love and maintain it.
Q. Relative to money, what do I really want? /ponder
A. What I do really want is the physical security that money can provide.
Like, money allows me to pay for rent, which allows me to be in a house, which is a home for me and my cats.
I want money so I can pay the bills that allow me to have electricity in my house.
Even the things that I sort of want? A new, nicer apartment? A big painting? A new car? I actually don’t mind. Sure, it’d be nice. But I don’t intensely want these things like I thought I did. I now notice the intensity, the sense of desperation I had when I thought of these things is gone! So, it seems that I just want them because I believe I have to have them to acquire love from others (and even from myself).
Q. Do I really want to eat a healthy diet?
A. No. I want to eat what I want at the time, I don’t want to plan a diet. I know that ultimately my vibration at the time of the meal will dictate what I choose to eat. But the big idea I had of a ‘healthy diet’? That’s not me. That’s me wanting to say that I eat healthily enough to be loved.
And so on and so forth.
I am now learning to love myself properly, unconditionally. Watch this space.