relationships

chaos art

Strange

This hope is treacherous
This daydream is dangerous
This hope is treacherous
I, I, I… I, I, I… I, I, I…

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night
And I will get you, and get you alone
Your name has echoed through my mind
And I just think you should, think you should know
That nothing safe is worth the drive and I will
Follow you, follow you home…
I’ll follow you, follow you home…

– Taylor Swift

/4amthesecondday/howstrangethatIdon’tknowyouatall

I AM DETERMINED TO BE HAPPY SOMEHOW

I will hang onto the beautiful things.

courage quote

Knots, Mess, Life, Courage and Change

I feel like everything is going crazy.

– It’s already February 21st. How the hell did that happen?

– 2 arguments in the same day with the people closest to me recently. Only 1 of which is resolved.

– Psychic abilities advancing (can hear my guide more, see much more clairvoyantly – see this post if interested in reading more).

– Friends fading in and out of my reality. Painful first then I release, then they’re back, then they’re gone. Then they’re back.

– Final shedding of past relationships pain – to a degree. I still carry the tears and scars I am unable to face yet. But there is definitely some kind of detachment also happening.

– One of my kitties got sick. He’s fine. But that’s never happened before.

– I feel like I am connecting way more strongly to my higher self. This has led to many life improvements due to increased inspiration and moments of motivation. E.g. Random inspiration to start playing guitar again, wearing more floaty, pretty clothes (I know that sounds superficial but it truly isn’t – clothing can represent who you are inside), improving my diet (buying more organic food, reducing wheat/gluten intake, reducing the amount of sugar I eat – with hopes to eventually have none in my diet – definitely have a sugar addiction going on but this is the first time I have felt very strong, motivated urge to try to kick it), cleaning and updating my house a bit more, reduced chemical medication, improved mentality and increased motivation towards my business goals. I’m being inspired to help others more even beyond my own business. Just…in general. Openness and willingness to connect and try to help others heal themselves.

– I am in some kind of weird never-been-like-this-before stage of fearlessness – no, rather, I am being courageous: I am terrified of many things but I am doing them anyway. My guides have always told me that I have ‘fortitude’. I feel I am really conscious of how that is at the moment, and that the level has increased.

– Letting myself feel my feelings more and more.

– Trying to understand and utilise the benefits of being very sensitive.

The thing that makes it all seem intense and crazy is the fact that it’s all been very close together.

Ultimately, I think my overall vibration/frequency is increasing at a rapid rate. Things are being released painfully, beautifully and new things are being born perfectly.

Exciting things are on their way.

(Or at least, it is what I am trying to believe. I choose my beliefs. I am.)

I wrote this status thing the other day and I think it sums up what I’m trying to express:

“Life is a fucking mess. Like, that’s actually what it is. Life is this unexplainable, messy, chaotic, beautiful, insane, ever changing nonsense experience. So much can happen in a small amount of time. Even when it looks as though nothing has changed, the tables and chairs have all been thrown around the room by unseen, volatile forces and you missed it because you blinked, but then you’re in it. Life is a fucking wonderful, painful, shining mess.”

Meanwhile, my guide, Sahasrara, says to me (with images of knots in a rope joining to more of the same):

“Everything ties together perfectly. Everything will tie together perfectly. Everything will be alright.”

My conclusion:

“Even the things that look like knots in your life are just the bridges that bind together, to create perfect life.”

hosseini quote

Bad Medicine

Headache knocking at the door
I don’t have time for this
I’m still here on the floor
Heavy since
the last kiss

You’re like the weakest medicine
And you burn horribly
But I’m addicted to the times when
The placebo kicks in
It always wins

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

I feel like I will never be loved for all of me. I’ve been loved for some of me, but never all of me. The flaws shine, the shadow shows, the light is not enough and people leave. People leave me. And it just keeps happening. There are people who stay because they think they have to, but ultimately, I am alone. I will quit. I WILL quit. I will quit.

Yesterday, today and probably tomorrow, I wish I could change who I am.

sunlight girl

The Same Song (Memories) Over and Over

I keep posting this song called, “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift…every now and then in my blogs…because it reflects my most recent relationship…And me posting it and almost crying every time I hear it, and singing my heart out to it over and over tells me that I am still mourning that relationship…And I hate that I am. And it’s only a part of me because most of me is fine. But there is that part that’s still going…and I wonder when it will disappear? I feel like I’m mourning and releasing it every time I listen to this song, how many more times do I need to feel and sing it? It’s the same song over and over, written all over my heart. I know there’s still a hole in my heart still and it’s filled up with these lyrics crammed into it, trying to fill it. And there’s band aids on the top but the bleeding hasn’t stopped. And it’s really intense for me to admit that and to realise it. I doubt he knows. And there’s no going back and I don’t want to, I just want to heal. When do we get to stop trying to repair ourselves from old wounds? When is that time? Where is that place? I’ll let you know if I ever find it. And I’m watching this video of Taylor singing this song live and she’s crying and she’s saying that the good memories can haunt you and create scars just as deep as the bad ones, sometimes even worse. That’s what hurts us when we lose someone. At first it’s the pain and trauma of the ending, but then it’s the loss of the rest of it. So, I think I am still mourning. That’s what mourning and grief are, right? Maybe I’m mourning over that part of me too. I like having someone to love and when it ended, that aspect of who I am dissolved. And I want it back. But you can’t do that when it’s just you. Well, on the other hand I guess you can try with all your heart to love you, but who really believes that that’s all they need? I don’t know if anyone does if they asked themselves and were able to get past all of the lies they might be holding onto believing within themselves – like, ‘it’s okay to be alone’ or ‘I can just love me’. Well, that’s true. But I believe that humans were designed to love others as well. Designed to embody love and extend ourselves in that way to one another as well as ourselves, without inhibition. It’s a grave error to believe otherwise, but it can be what we tell ourselves to make us feel strong or self empowered in the times when we’ve lost. But in the end, behind and beneath it all, you’ve still lost something you loved and you’ve lost being able to love something, and that combination is lethal to the human heart. Or mine, anyway.

ALL TOO WELL

*Italics – my haunting memories
*Underline and the bold –  the truest truth

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.
(Laughing on the couch, wearing your shirt but separate beds, still tried to kiss you, I left when I thought you were asleep, driving home at 1am, crying all the way, left the shirt and a note: “I am an idiot”)
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house,
And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
(I remember: One hand on the steering wheel, the other in mine)
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.

‘Cause there we are again on that little town street.
(The wedding in the coldest town I’ve ever been
Shivering with champagne)
You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed
(Hair like I’d never seen)
And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me?
(I will never know)

And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…

‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
(We did, I did)
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
(You were) running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise
(Still angry at this second injury: I don’t want to be)
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
(The night of the second-first kiss, the conversation: ‘I still love you too’, the second try
Then: the last chapter, the silence, the gardens, the end)

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
(Still in my drawer, hidden beneath layers of armour)
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it ’cause you remember it all too well, yeah

‘Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
(I did)
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare (It was), I was there, I remember it all too well (I do)

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all (Probably, maybe, I could never guess)
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Spiritual Badassery and Love

Things I have learnt today:

Sometimes you can feel really stagnant and generally direction-less, and on the same day hear that others are admiringly calling you a badass behind your back.
(I thought I was spiritually stunted these last couple of weeks, when I have in fact been flying – fast and without aim, yet ending up exactly where I needed to be).

black phoenix

I’ve recently discovered that in all of my relationships I have experienced intensely conditional love. It is so obvious to me now. The words from past lovers that I replay in my head, they’re in big capital letters; standing there burning with embers that just don’t, won’t burn out.

My first boyfriend – it was that he loved me until I started to get depressed and emotional (from 17-18 years old – this was the onset stage of severe depression –> bipolar disorder (type II). This was officially diagnosed some time later).
Burning Quote: “/frustratedsigh My only problems are your problems!”

My second boyfriend – he sort of had this list in his head of stuff that I did/didn’t do that was bothering him…and they were just general aspects about how I had been acting over the last few months aka how I was being, who I was. I was attending TAFE doing Vet Nursing at the time and I kept not going to my weekly trainee job at the Veterinary practice I was training at. Or I would be really late. Or I would leave early. The reason behind this was the anxiety that it made me feel. The reason behind the anxiety was that, as it turned out, Vet Nursing was not something I was meant to, and ended up not wanting to continue.
Burning Quote: “I want a girlfriend that dresses pretty, not just when we go out. You know, how you used to always wear rings and jewellery and stuff when you came over…”

Sort-of-boyfriend (dated/lived together at university accommodation for about 2 months before his exchange ended and he returned to Sweden) – basically tried to end things after the night he found that I had cut myself during a horrible night of suicidal thoughts and depression. Also, turned into a jerk one night when I said I didn’t want to have sex until I had got my contraceptive pill regime all set up.
Burning Quote: “I don’t know, Becc. Maybe you’re just addicted to negative thought.” and “You should get up and go for a walk.” AKA “It’s probably your fault your depressed, you should exercise like everyone else, you’re just being lazy.”

My third boyfriend – he didn’t like that I didn’t go to work as much as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t have as much money as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t eat as healthily as I should. He didn’t like that I never exercised like I should. He didn’t like the spiritual aspect of me either. He was embarrassed to be the boyfriend of the girl who talks to cats.
Burning Quote: “I hate that I have to be like, to my friends, “Here’s my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend, Becc…oh and, by the way, yea, she thinks she can talk to animals. /harshsarcasm”

As you can see all of these things are based around the idea of ‘SHOULDS’.

“You SHOULD be happier (even though you clearly have depression.)”
“You SHOULD go to work (even when you feel anxious or dislike what you’re doing.)”
“You SHOULD have more money (even though you yourself seem to not mind.)”
“You SHOULD exercise (even though you yourself seem to not want to and what you do with your body is your choice.)”
“You SHOULD dress better (even though you deserve love even when you’re not wearing pretty clothes.)”
“You SHOULD eat better (even though what you do with your body and diet is your choice and doesn’t really affect me.)”

I have constantly been loved until…
Until I don’t meet certain standards – these standards that others hold themselves to because it was instilled in them from society, the education system and their parents (and their parents, the same, and their parents’ parents, the same, and so on, generations back…).

The people who have loved me, have loved me conditionally. They have loved me on the condition that I fit their idea of what makes a person worthy of  love (including them, themselves). Upon reflection I can now see that these standards and conditions are coincidentally an exact match to what I (and you, the reader, may also) consider to be most of the ‘shoulds’ of the standard citizen in our current society:

The model citizen:
Eats a healthy diet, has a steady income, exercises, has savings, dresses ‘well’ (who decides?), works a ‘normal-sounding-not-talking-to-animals-or-dead-people-kind-of-job’ and doesn’t believe there is more than meets the eye to their reality. They preferably have some kind of big, ambitious career plan or goal, and/or are studying a vocational degree or apprenticeship (something that allows them to slide easily into the generic work force of today) and is always or most of the time a happy person (easy to deal with).

And you know, the above is a great way to be. Really. But not if it doesn’t feel good to you. Exercising and eating a healthy diet is obviously a good thing for anyone and everyone to do…only if it is truly self loving.

What is truly self loving always feels good.

A little example:

If you are deciding between eating a cheeseburger and a salad, and you truly feel emotionally negative when you consider eating the salad instead of the cheeseburger – guess what? It is self loving to eat the cheeseburger. It is self abusive to force yourself to eat the salad.
That negative feeling and those negative thoughts, about how icky the salad is, that you’ll probably have as you eat, is your body and soul telling you that this is not a good experience, this is not a nice thing to do to yourself, this is not self loving. What is self loving, is to eat the cheeseburger. By doing this, you are at most slightly lowering your vibration (unless you feel really really great about that cheeseburger, you might even maintain or increase your vibration if eating it brings you true joy), which is bad, yes, BUT when you compare this to how low you would get with all the aforementioned negative thoughts and feelings running through your system, it’s nothing. It is always better for you to do what truly feels good.

This is how you grow self love. You do what makes you feel good. And over time, as you do this, soon it won’t feel self loving to eat a cheeseburger…
As your vibration raises, you will begin to naturally only be attracted to higher vibrational foods. You’ll go from loving cheeseburgers, to thinking they’re a bit icky looking, to choosing the salad over the cheeseburger, to being in such a good vibration relative to self love that you will find yourself at a place where cheeseburgers aren’t even available, or they’ll stop selling cheeseburgers at the regular place you go to because you are now sooo not a vibrational match to the frequency of cheeseburgers, that it is literally not possible for them to be in your experience any more.

Anyway, this is how we have to be with everything in our lives. What is self loving is always what feels good.
And I, haha, IIII got so confused and muddled in all of this that I convinced myself that I really did want the salad over the cheeseburger, but I only wanted the salad because I thought it would make others (and me) love me.

Now, think of yoga as the salad and not-yoga as the cheeseburger:
I thought I wanted to get back into yoga because it would be good for me – and I want what’s good for me because being healthy is good and stuff.  And I do actually enjoy it once I actually begin, most of the time. But every time I have gone to start, I just don’t end up doing it. I procrastinate. And then I get mad at myself. But you know why I was procrastinating so much? Because it didn’t feel good to make that decision to actually go and do some yoga (/commence procrastination). And you know why it didn’t feel good? Because I didn’t/don’t actually want to do yoga. I want to do yoga so that I can say, “I am a person who exercises”, which (as I have concluded from past experiences) makes me worthy of love.

What I really want is unconditional love.

And it’s really actually kind of sad because me getting mad at myself for not doing yoga was me being those people who love conditionally. If I loved myself unconditionally, I wouldn’t have gotten mad at myself.
An unconditionally loving reaction would have been, “Oh well!” (or you know, nothing at all). But, the angry reaction I felt (at myself) is the evidence that I, myself, hold this kind of conditional love for myself as well, just like my past lovers…
Yoga is just one example. This applies to everything I thought I wanted:

Money, a healthy diet, physical fitness, a career…

But… when I look at all this, and I examine and I think in this new, air of truth…
Q. Do I really want money?
A. No. I don’t mind. I would be happy if my financial situation stayed the same.
True want/belief: I really want love from others and having money is the only way I can ensure I will have their love and maintain it.

Q. Relative to money, what do I really want? /ponder
A. What I do really want is the physical security that money can provide.
Like, money allows me to pay for rent, which allows me to be in a house, which is a home for me and my cats.
I want money so I can pay the bills that allow me to have electricity in my house.
Even the things that I sort of want? A new, nicer apartment? A big painting? A new car? I actually don’t mind. Sure, it’d be nice. But I don’t intensely want these things like I thought I did. I now notice the intensity, the sense of desperation I had when I thought of these things is gone! So, it seems that I just want them because I believe I have to have them to acquire love from others (and even from myself).

Q. Do I really want to eat a healthy diet?
A. No. I want to eat what I want at the time, I don’t want to plan a diet. I know that ultimately my vibration at the time of the meal will dictate what I choose to eat. But the big idea I had of a ‘healthy diet’? That’s not me. That’s me wanting to say that I eat healthily enough to be loved.

And so on and so forth.

I am now learning to love myself properly, unconditionally. Watch this space.

 

soul quote

 

Thoughts for the Future

I have so many things to write about but I just don’t seem to be able to get a big boost of inspiration for it all all at once…so I’m making this entry so I have list of these things that I wish to discuss so I don’t forget / you, reader, may find yourself intrigued:

Intense world-flipping-upside-down and something-about-planetary-movements dream.

Relationships and dating (bringing to the table my recent experience with the latter).

The being that is ‘Seth’ (from the Seth Speaks books by Jane Roberts) and surrounding synchronicity relative to him/her/these books.
Movement from within my path of spiritual growth…from stagnation to propulsion
Experiencing the sensation of oneness/expansion of myself

Being more confident in my ability to intuit my own answers to spiritual (and regular) queries that pop into my head I.e. easily, randomly channelling Source, or the Akash, or my Higher Self (they’re all the same, as all is one) and trust in what I receive.

Yellow car synchronicities and winning monetary competition/s.

Trusting my inner, psychic vision way more when it comes to reading auras and medical intuition.

Something about family.

Something about money.

Sudden increase of interest relative to fashion.

P.s. I dyed my hair back to almost-white-blonde. I am the Khaleesi:

daenarys dragon

 

Just me and my dragon, hanging out.

Remaining in ‘The Now’

I am sitting here in a state of anxiety. I’m worried about a lot of things. Mostly money. But today, I decided to do what I sometimes do when I remember to: be in the moment. Which is always said by ‘spiritual people’ and is always easier said than done.

Here is what I do:

When I start worrying about something and experiencing anxiety (note: anxiety is a feeling of insecurity about the future), I say to myself, “I will worry about that later” thereby still allowing the emotion, but promoting a better feeling in this moment via following this with, “Right now, what am I doing? I’m sitting here. Typing.” I then look at my fingers on the keyboard, I feel the plastic-y yet soft feeling of it against my fingertips. I listen to the sounds that I can hear, too. I hear the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard…I’ve always loved that sound. I hear birds whistling outside through the open window. I appreciate their song (did you know that animals communicate mostly via telepathy, they only make noise out of primitive instinct or for the joy of the song). I then ask myself, “What would I like to do, or think about right now?” in this moment, the answer is, “I’d like to continue typing and enjoying this music. Right now, that’s all I’m doing. I can worry in the next moment, if I want to.” and I may add, “I will worry about the next moment, in the next moment.” And as said next moment comes around, I repeat this process. “What am I doing right now? Would I like to do something else?”.

And I do put in effort to be honest with myself. I ask myself, “What would I really like to be doing. (in case thoughts about what I think I ‘should’ be doing invade, e.g. “look harder for a job! edit resume! (exclamation point to exemplify the feeling of panic behind those thoughts)’.  Or,  I might insert a feeling of guilt over the top of me doing this process, because I think I ‘should’ be doing the aforementioned things.)
Or, if I would like to go into the emotion and query the deeper reason behind these anxious feelings, I would ask myself, “What am I really worrying about? What am I really afraid of?” In this case the topic of concern is money and future bills to pay, so the answer is, “I’m worried I’ll have to ask my parents for money again and they might not have it and (I think, or they may think that) I’m just this terrible leech and they will look down on me and feel that I don’t care.” then I ask myself, “What can I do to resolve this concern?” And right now, I think the answer/s would be, “I will just be honest. They will listen. They know I am not these things I fear I will come across as – apathetic or heartless.”
Then, as we all often do, I envision this scenario (usually involuntarily, y’know how that happens in your head, thinking about all the conversations that could happen, but in this case, I take control of how it goes):

Here I go.
What I will say to Mum/Dad:
“I know that it might seem that I don’t care and that I am careless with money but I am really trying to improve. I really appreciate everything you do for me and how much you care about me. I am always coping as best I can in each moment, as we all are (I really believe in the sentence I heard a while back, “People do the best they can, with the perspective they hold and the knowledge they have, at the time.” All people are good inside. Sometimes it’s just buried, and often they don’t even know it).
If this is too much to ask, I am prepared to look at other avenues. I’m not sure what yet but I will look into it as best I can. At this point, all I can do is ask for help and assure you that I realise the toll it takes on you and that I care and I love you.”

And, by doing and saying all of this, I am thereby alleviating my own anxiety (adding a big, deep breath here) by knowing that they are likely to understand and that I did do the best I could, with the perspective and the experience that I have at this time. And I take pride in that, I do. I acknowledge and appreciate that aspect of me that is honourable in this, in my honesty.
I spoke my truth. I excavated all this shit for the benefit of those that I ask a lot of.
And, (taking another deep breath here), I know that this too shall pass.

Now, as I glance out the window at the sun and the leaves on the trees, bathed in the light…I’m asking myself, “What do I want to do now?”. The answer is: “I want to insert a picture into this entry, finish it up. Then I will probably go get dressed and drive into town (involuntarily envisioning myself driving down the road with the window open and the light and air on my face. It feels nice).”

But when I stand up and walk into my room to finish getting dressed, I will ask myself all of these same questions again. “How do I feel about what I’m doing now?”, “Do I still want to go into town?” And if the answer is “No”, that’s okay. I’ll ask myself these same questions again in the next few moments, and maybe the answer will change to “yes”, and maybe it won’t, and that’s okay because I am doing the best with what I have and the perspective that I hold at this time, and that is enough (deep breath here).

I hope that sharing this helps some people who may be reading this. : ) I love you all.

lao tzu peace

Recent Astrological Weather (and it’s not so nice effects on my life)

MERCURY RETROGRADE

I put that in caps because when I think of Mercury Retrograde I start yelling at it in my head a bit. I know that some people think that a lot of this kind of thing can be a self fulfilling prophecy or placebo – in that, say you know it’s coming up, you might start to worry and trick yourself into getting confused and blame all miscommunication and tech breakdowns (these being some of the effects of Mercury Retrograde) on the astrological weather…but I seriously didn’t know it was happening until it had already started.
My life has ‘coincidentally’ difficult since then.

Shit really got real when the massive solar flares were occurring at the same as the full moon (<– click for info about how the full moon can shake things up) on Friday the 13th (and just before), aaand I also got my period on that day (which is interesting because it has been a bit out of sync recently, obviously so it could conveniently arrive and stir shit up on this Friday the 13th, a day when the divine feminine rises). That was about when the trouble with the ex-boyfriend and a recent friend really hit it’s climax. I was a total mess.

Note: I have always been really affected by solar flare activity (or rather, the coronal mass ejections that hit the Earth’s electromagnetic field as a result of c and x class flares (usually).
Here’s a really good article on that, for interests’ sake:
http://www.carliniinstitute.com/how_recent_solar_flares_are_affecting_us
I tend to get the lovely side effects of: dizziness, headaches, sometimes nausea and ‘brain fog’.

It was this same time last year that I broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend. This year, I have been having major difficulties with our current (platonic) relationship, ‘coincidentally’ at this exact same time.

I have found that the vibrations surrounding this relationship have been so repetitive. The same just general life circumstances are always occurring at the same time that I have problems with this guy. It’s been that way since we broke up. I just find it very interesting to note how clearly the universe is saying to me, “THIS VIBRATION/SITUATION IS CLEARLY CYCLIC, YOU NEED TO SORT THIS”, by offering all these signs that indicate we are stuck in the exact same pattern/s.
But anyway, it has finally been ‘sorted’…Or…just, has moved into a better space. It’s all alright, for now.

I like to remember what Teal Swan said in her (below) video, and the diagram she uses as a reminder that energy moves in a circular pattern and you can therefore never go backwards. Things may repeat but you are always moving outwards, always expanding with and out of  the spiral.
Watch this video if that intrigues you. It really, really helped me:

 

Here are some links about Mercury Retrograde that I found helpful as well:

http://astrology.about.com/od/MercuryRetrograde/fl/Mercury-Retrograde-in-Cancer-Gemini-June-7th-July-1st-2014.htm

http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/MercuryRetro.htm

Also, this:

 

Apparently there is another one coming up in October. This should be interesting.

If you read those articles above, or watched the video, you will know that Mercury Retrograde absolutely wreaks havoc on communication and technology, and also has a habit of somehow (not sure of the details of this one) making you late for things, caused by things just being delayed in your day to day life e.g. getting stuck in traffic on your way to an appointment.

I must say that I have found this to be so true. My communication skills have been a mess. I see this reflected in my recent conversations with people, I can’t seem to think of the right way to put things, everything that comes out of my mouth is sort of jumbled. It’s also the reason why all this relationship stuff with my ex-boyfriend has been extra difficult. It’s normal for this ‘old stuff that needs to be sorted’ kind of stuff to come up during the retrograde, but the effect of miscommunication really, really does not help. I end up just being like, “I don’t even know anymore….arrghhhhhh fsahjofhsafpa!”
It is also probably, partially contributing to my not very in depth, just kind of ranting, blog entries. I can’t communicate what I’m trying to say. It took me about ten thousand years to explain that metaphor about knives and hallways in my previous blog entry. I just saw/felt the image. I should have just drawn a picture (not that I can draw, really. Maybe that wouldn’t have helped either).

Technology has been giving me a little bit of grief, too. My internet connection keeps stuffing up. I really remember this occurring last year as well. I was trying to download comics yesterday and it was being so annoying, I got so damn frustrated. The internet…my enemy, yet my best friend.

In conclusion, OH MY:

mercury retrograde full moon

 

Scars on Hearts

I used to think  I was a strong person. But maybe I was just lying to myself.

The fact that I’m still alive with scars on my wrist is what helps me keep telling the lie.

But honestly, although I like to think that I could love someone again, I don’t know that I could.

People leave and then you’re alone and crying.
And though it’s great in the beginning, and usually the middle. There’s always the end. Always.

Being broken up with twice, and breaking up with someone once due to them clearly not loving me any more…so basically, having three people fall out of love with me, leads one to believe in one’s flaws more than one’s (apparent) positives.
They saw too many flaws and faults, so they left. And that’s the truth of it.

 

 

No amount of positive thinking can change that bottom line.

 

dancing woman