sadness

eye storm digital art

Accept Your Feeling-Being

You are a feeling being.
You will never stop feeling.

Fear
Sadness
Anger
Pain
Worry
Concern

You will move into a place where these pains will fade, disintegrate upon their entrance into your open arms of acceptance.

Because you are. You are acceptance. All you have to do is be. Be present.

When you be, you are.

dark waves

Arrows in the Water

Alone in the water
We’ll drown tonight
Sorted with arrows
Pierced alive

I’ve walked over glass for the sound of someone else
The soft cracks trace along the bottom of my feet
Just for you to feel better than me

Walked through the ocean, scared of the rain
Yelling at nothing at all

Like yellow and sunset, orange gold amber
We walk through the dark, illuminated danger
Let us become okay with breathing in the carbon dioxide
And let us not expel that which divides

You’re torn in two
Ripped through
Walls are shattered in not much time at all
Cascading pieces of yourself left behind
Time is a fragile piece of missing life
Let us remember the first turn of the knife
The darkest night
For the darkest lives
Awake but not tortured
But we’re written in stone
Hopeful to expel that which
We do not wish to own
But chains are rigid, locked in the wrists
Weighing us to the bottom of the ocean tides

History’s page is turning the knife
Carving out all of your time

– Rebecca Elizabeth Anne

goverment oppression art

Anger, Disappointment and CAPS LOCK

I am so fucking angry and disappointed right now. I can’t be bothered to explain why at this point in time but I just wanted to type somewhere angrily and YELL ABOUT HOW SHIT THE GOVERNMENT IS IN CAPS LOCK.

THE GOVERNMENT IS SHIT AND UNLOVING AND NEEDS CHANGE. I wish I could just jump into the future where the mass consciousness has evolved into (or returned to it’s natural state of) one of unity and openness.

But I can’t. SO I’M JUST GOING TO WRITE IN CAPS LOCK AND THINK IN LOUD NOISES UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.

INSERT EXPRESSION OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT AT PEOPLE’S LACK OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE UNIVERSE EVEN THOUGH I GUESS IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT IT IS STILL FUCKING ANNOYING AND MAKES MY LIFE THAT MUCH HARDER UGH UGH UGH UGH

To be Sad or to Suppress? – My Choice

When I get really sad:

I go silent and don’t want to talk.
I move very slowly.
Cancel plans.
Lie in bed.
Stare blankly at nothing.
Sometimes don’t eat for awhile (appetite disappears).
Sigh a lot.

If I do this in front of people, they make every effort to try to cheer me up…and I know they think it’s because they want to relieve me of this pain, but it’s not really. It’s because people are uncomfortable with sadness.

We are taught from a very young age to try as hard as we can to stop crying by virtue of comments offered by others such as, ‘cheer up’, ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘stop crying!’ – which usually involves the other person/s attempting to distract us with something we would normally find pleasurable. meredith sadness quoteThis is an attempt at replacing the emotive experience of feeling sadness to one of feeling happiness.

But doing this does not really make the emotion of sadness disappear, but rather, it is simply pushed to the side and replaced. It also invalidates our emotions. If we surrender to the suggested change of mood to happiness, we are saying to ourselves, ‘This emotion is not okay. I should not feel this way. I do not have the right to feel this way.’ If this is because we are around others who are trying to make us stop being sad, we are also allowing others to have more of a say in how we should feel than ourselves. That is not kind.

When we are sad, what we need is the kind of kindness that offers: understanding, support and most of all, ‘the okay,’ to just simply feel how we feel, and be how we are in those moments.

When the joyful moments are gone, the sadness will return either straight away, soon after, or years later as an over reaction to an experience that triggers that same emotion to stir.

Thus, it is best to dive into the sadness now. Feel it deeply, silently, slowly, whatever one needs to do, regardless of the discomfort it may prompt others to experience. If we feel our negative emotions, we won’t suppress them and so won’t have those over reactions. We are even potentially warding off disease or illness.

This is because any sort of suppression or resistance creates a blockage to life-force energy. This creates the lowering of the immune system, which makes one more susceptible to disease. Additionally, the effect of the law of attraction means that because that vibration (the emotion) is still there, experiences that reflect it’s presence I.e. that trigger that same emotion/highlight the energetic blockage, will start to/continue to occur.

So, I am sad and I am going to go lie in bed until further notice.
I am going to cancel my list of tasks until further notice.

Good night.

healing sadness

Love Vs.

Do you ever feel like you are just broken and like you need a sign on your head that warns people about how they might as well not bother talking to you because they will eventually be disappointed?

WHY do I try when it is consistently obvious that I will never get back to being that person who everyone likes?

Being who you are is hard and can make you alone and sometimes people say, and often I agree, that it’s a beautiful thing to stick to your soul despite being made alone for it and the part of me that is always existing in the light knows this to be true, but the darker side of me and the side of me that is actively experiencing this in this moment says: this sucks.

I used to have so many friends and be the one that everyone liked and loved and thought was funny and great and now I’m just this social recluse who lives on the internet and in a house full of faeries that no one will believe exist.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to love always, despite being not loved back, despite the risk of that as a potential that always exist, and I am still going to, and I do, but it conflicts with my sadness and drags me back to the light – knowing the truth of who you are and what this universe really is makes it hard to allow oneself to ‘be human’ (‘you’re only human’) because whilst I’m thinking and writing all these sad things, there’s another voice in my head saying that everything will be alright and that’s good, I guess, but it’s a painful kind of good. It’s like, ‘everything will be alright, I will get through this’ and because I know this, I want to be through it NOW. Take me back to the light, please. Sometime soon.

But anyway: THIS MOMENT, THIS TODAY, IS DIFFICULT.

(I have so much trouble letting go).

losing love

 EDIT – This is probably not helping:

solar filament eruption

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “FILAMENT ERUPTION, EARTH-DIRECTED: On Sept. 2nd, an enormous filament of dark plasma, which had been snaking across the face of the sun for days, became unstable and erupted. NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory recorded the blast: movie #1, #2. Soon thereafter, a lopsided CME billowed away from sun.”

“According to NOAA analysts, the CME will deliver a glancing blow to Earth’s magnetic field on Sept. 6th.

Source: http://spaceweather.com/

I love you sun, but sometimes you and your CME’s are a bit much.

Learn more about the effects of solar activity on human consciousness, the Earth and our physical bodies at http://www.carliniinstitute.com/how_recent_solar_flares_are_affecting_us

 

On Self Harm – It’s Always Darkest before the Dawn

 

I cut my wrists and the top of my knees when I was 19. It was just a tiny bit. I used nail scissors to snip/stab at my skin. It seemed easier/less scary, I guess, than getting a huge knife. I also thought I wouldn’t be able to accidentally kill myself (was not suicidal that night) with just some scissors, so that was good too.

I was living at Campus East which is a big university/college student residence in Wollongong. I was studying at the college attached to the University of Wollongong. But it wasn’t really studying, it was more like, “have to do something this year, okay I’ll do this thing. Wow, this is shit. Okay, time to not really work that hard (*meanwhile hashtag#bipolar troubles).”
I had just come back from a big dinner at a Mexican Restaurant where we did lots of tequila shots. I would say I was somewhere between tipsy and a little bit drunk. I went into my room at the end of the hall. I don’t remember what initially triggered me into crying and the sadness that night. Probably just coming back from a social event and comparing myself to others as per usual at that time in my life, concluding that I was no good to anyone and just a bit of a crap person. So, when you have depression/bipolar that sort of self-talk is enough to trigger you into a full blown emotional crisis…Ended up with all these massive feelings of self hate, loathing and loneliness. They’re swimming under the surface already you see, then just one negative thought can get that spiral up and running really quickly and before you know it you’re hurtling down the slope at full speed, then you’re crashing onto the rocks at the bottom.

Anyway, so I’m back from that social event and sitting at my desk in my room listening to sad music (Jimmy Eat World, I think) and writing/scrawling poetry drunkenly (I used to write A LOT of poetry, the more depressed I am, the more poetry I create, which is a bit crap now because I am a damn good poet, but I’m happy (most of the time) now so it disappeared!) with my head leaning on the desk.

And, I don’t know. I just get the scissors. Apparently it was a good idea. And I’m just sitting there thinking I’m not worth shit and maybe I should just die, but I’m too scared to do anything that drastic, so I just sit here and ‘be lame and only cut’ instead. Like, shaming myself for ‘not having the guts’ to kill myself. Haha, now I’m like, “Wow, so glad I did indeed, not ‘have the guts’.” But yea. So I did that. By this stage I was feeling very emotionally numb. I wasn’t crying and sobbing any more. I was just feeling very out of it, distanced, kind of just ….. dot dot dot #silence, sort of feeling.

Then I did something really desperate, which I try really hard not to shame myself for now. It was a terrible prison and I was reaching out, and, I was drunk…

I went out to the living area where the guy I was seeing (who happened to be one of my roommates) was sitting, watching TV.
My wrists and top of my thighs were bleeding. Not heaps, as I said, just snips with the scissors, but enough to take awhile for the blood to stop. Probably about 3-5 little cuts on each limb. I was wearing a short, summer dress, by the way. Yea, so I drunkenly walked out like that and sat down next to him and pretended like there was nothing weird happening. I was just like, “Hey, how are you? What are you up to?” and leant my head on his shoulder.

At first he didn’t notice because we were sitting side by side and he was looking at the TV, he was like, “Oh hey, how was your thing? Wha- …Becc…? What? Oh my god, what the fuck?” And I was just nonchalantly like, “Oh, yea…” And he grabbed me and his eyes were filled with tears and was like, “Wha? Why did you do this?” and started leading me down the hall back to my room, I was just like, drunk and actually pretty emotionally numb at that stage so just didn’t answer and walked with him.

We sat in my room, on the end of my bed, with tissues and he handed them to me and was like, “clean it up and tell me what happened” and I used the tissues and dabbed at my wrists a bit, but not really. Then I noticed I was getting blood on the sheets from my leg cuts, I sort of glanced at it like, “oh…” and he was like, “sit on the edge more” and started dabbing my knees more as I moved forward to the end of the bed.

I don’t really remember what happened after that. I think I just started crying for an hour then fell asleep together in my bed.
The next day he left in the morning for Uni, kissed me goodbye as I sleepy-eyed, watched him starting to get up. He said, “Don’t…don’t do that again” and left.

Later in the day, I was lying in bed listening to music after not really getting up all day, he came back from Uni and sat down on the desk chair opposite me. He said, “I don’t think we should keep…doing what we’re doing any more…after last night…I don’t want to make things worse. I feel like you’re too attached and it will be really hard for you when I leave.” He was, of course, referring to the fact that he was a Swedish student on exchange for only 6 months or a year (I can’t remember which) and would be leaving in a couple of months. He seemed to think that was the reason that I was cutting.

I started crying and wearily explained that no, no that was not why I was so sad, and that I wanted him to stay with me because he made me happy and we had fun together, and I clearly needed happy and fun…and whilst I knew it would be hard, I needed the joy he brings me now and reiterated how he was definitely not responsible for these dramatic feelings. I explained how I had been feeling horrible for ages and last night was the culmination of it all…He was hesitant as he listened, but believed me and changed his mind about it.

Later in the day, my best friend on Campus came up to see me. She said that S (Swedish ‘boyfriend-of-sorts’) had gone to see her and told her what happened. She said he was really freaked out and felt like he should tell her. She was really ‘meh’ about it. She said, “So, was it just cause you’re sad or?” I replied, “Yea…it’s just been…really…hard…” and she was like, “Oh okay.” Don’t remember what happened after that very well. But I know that was the end of the discussion and she was not very sympathetic or empathetic or anything at all really. At that point I just wanted her to leave and go away because that just made me want to cry again. Really poor form, as far as ‘friends’ go.

Anyway, so yea, that’s how that all happened for me. I didn’t do it again. I have on occasion, thought about doing it since then. But only once or twice since going on medication (later that year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder). Even when I did think about it, it was just like, a really quick thought, then me pushing it away instantly, thinking more clearly than when one is in a deeper, more out of control, depressive state, thanks to medication.

So, regarding Teal’s video.

I definitely relate to everything she has said about the reasons why. For me, it was ‘*demonstrative’ cutting. And it did only happen the once, so it doesn’t so much apply to me any more, and the addiction part doesn’t apply much either but – the feelings associated with cutting and the reasons why one feels compelled to self harm, they were a very real experience for me at that time.
I definitely did feel trapped. I felt stuck in my brain that just hated me. I remember walking around in the supermarket, dry eyed, but actually crying in my head (it was really weird), not knowing why (that’s depression for you).

Regarding what Teal says about the role childhood experiences have in the feelings associated with cutting, I’m not sure which childhood experiences would have attributed…perhaps the vague memories I have of being told to stop crying at various points which equals being emotionally rejected.

I definitely know that I felt disapproval from others, like something was inherently wrong with me.
“When you are seen by others in this light (whether it’s during childhood or older) you then learn to see yourself in that light. Ask: who should have loved you?”
The only answer I have to that at this stage is my mum the couple of times she told me to stop crying. It is her in those few memories that I remember clearly.

At the time of the cutting, I definitely wanted to “sedate emotion then gain control by exerting that control over the emotion” as Teal states.

*Demonstrative = “Demonstrative cutters are looking for some way to feel a sensation of relief  instead of a sensation of control (which is what secretive, ritualistic cutters tend to be after), but looking for that sedation feeling to come through other people”.
“Society shames them, saying they just want attention, so they can’t admit to anyone or even themselves that what they want is for someone to notice.”
They want someone to save them from the hell they’re living in. Unfortunately people shame and reject the cutter instead of helping.
One can find it is too shameful to admit that you want help, that you just wanted someone to recognise the pain you’re in.

A deeper look at cutting = cutting is done to avoid and escape the way we feel.

We need to use the energy behind this compulsion, this urge to help us to integrate the emotion/s we’re avoiding.
These are rooted deeply in childhood trauma

…For me, I still can’t admit to any childhood trauma I experienced/may have experienced.
I feel like nothing I experienced was ‘big enough’ to call it trauma. But, the evidence is clearly there.
I find myself looking away and half-purposely zoning out as Teal says her kind message to those who are cutters (which, even though I don’t cut now, still applies to me) at the end of the video. I suppose I don’t feel ‘worthy enough’ to hear what she is saying, to be spoken to in that kind way. I don’t feel like I’m deserving of being addressed like that… Which further proves the point, I suppose – childhood trauma remains.

I know I need to integrate my childhood self/ves and do more emotional shadow work but I just can’t seem to do it. I have been thinking about this for so long. I have such a hard time getting myself to do shadow work. I want to do it, because I know it will benefit me, yet I just. don’t. What the hell, me?! Why am I putting it off even though it would help?!
This is the one thing I would ask Teal for help with if I get chosen to go on stage at her Sydney workshop.
This rut is very stuck and very deep.
Post. Script.

I am alright now, if you’re wondering. I’m more than alright. But, it’s important to know that we are all not alright sometimes, and that is alright too.

Very soon after the aforementioned cutting experience, I went to The Black Dog Institute and was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I got on medication, too.
This whole experience was the start of my spiritual experience.
My known identity (as a depressed, pretty useless poet) was swept away with the sadness once I began to heal. I found I had to get to know myself, find myself, for the very first time.

When the layers of depression and emotional distress began to dissolve, I didn’t recognise myself any more. That sense of confusion and identity inspired me to look into myself, which inspired me to look into spirituality and philosophy, which eventually resulted in who I am today.

I would not change my experience for any thing. I am so grateful to have ‘hit rock bottom’, so I could rise up once again, out of the darkness, so that I could bloom into the sun. And, I’m still blooming. And I’ll never stop.

forest quote photo

 

It’s always darkest before the dawn : )

Fools Like Me

So, I’ve been sitting here for 1-2 days – the days bleed together when you are sad and just sleep. Now I’m trying to move but my limbs will barely move. I do always find it harder when the air is cold.

I’m going to go to the op-shop and buy $4 shirts and $5 shoes. I hope to find an ornament of a unicorn, or a fairy, as they tend to show up at the op-shops and these magical things always make me feel better.

Did you know that there are unicorns in other dimensions? Anything you believe or believed in, whole-heartedly, exists.
I know.

unicorn galaxy

 

Real_Unicorn_Fantasy_Space

I think I’m slowly getting better.
“The fever breaks when it’s too much take so you can put your weapons down.”

Flowers help.

prettyyy

colours flowers

On Losing Friends

I have lost. I have lost the lie of telling myself I’ve still got a friend (in certain people).

Telling lies to others is bad, telling lies to yourself is worse.

Now, now it is time to accept that I am not what some people want, as much as I may want them (wanting those who do not want me, what does that make me? What does that mean? Something to ponder for another time).

I didn’t mean to cry. I meant to stand tall and stay in full bloom…but instead…I fell in battle. And I’m cursing myself for not just stepping down in the first place. Why did I stay where I was not supposed to be (wanted)?
dying rose
They say it is better to be alone than surrounded by false friends. But, at least false friends only make false wounds.
Loneliness is the wound that bleeds the most, the strongest, the fullest, the bloodiest.
It is times like these I wish that I did not love as wholly as I do. I wish I loved that half love that I see others utilise. Maybe I could try. Does practise make perfect in this instance? I doubt it.

I can talk to the animals, I can talk to and feel the tree, I can see the faeries and I can see the waves of the illusion that is life pulsating across my vision. I can see the magic that I often speak of and have wished for for a long time…
But…but, I am alone in it. In the sea of all this magic, I am alone.
And I’ve been lying to myself about it. I’ve been saying, “No, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I’m not.” But…I am.

Today I had that confirmed. I have lost. I have lost the war I barely acknowledged I was in.

I don’t have many friends and today I had a conversation with 1 friend about him and another (mutual) friend that confirmed what I already knew, but did not want to believe: We are no longer friends. He doesn’t want to be my friend, really. And our mutual friend doesn’t want to be my friend either. They just really, really don’t. They just generally don’t think…generally don’t think of me. I spend/have spent a lot of time thinking about them and their recent lack of appearance in my life…and how it caused me to draw the conclusion that I am unwanted by them…and today I know, today I know for sure:
I am unwanted.

I’m a dusty shadow in the back of your mind
I’m the tape you’ll never bother to rewind
I’m the echo you ignore
And now, now I know for sure


P.S. I acknowledge that I do have a couple of true friends and I am grateful for them but right now, this is my story.

I don’t think I would survive this life without my cats.
cats sunlight

 

“I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need…Be your everything.
I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it.
I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.
I’m only human. I’m only human. Just a little human.
I can take so much. ‘Til I’ve had enough…
‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart ’cause I’m only human.”

– Only Human by Christina Perri

Drowning

Today I sat in my car crying for half an hour (and then more when I got home) after having an appointment with this job employment provider company that I have to be with in order to stay on benefits from the government – I.e. am on ‘looking for work’ salary from the gov, these people are hired by the gov to help me get a job.

I was crying because I felt/still feel absolutely trapped and awful when it comes to the prospect of becoming part of ‘the work force’. I was crying because it tears me up inside to be in this position where I have to look for these shit, ‘regular’ jobs in order to continue getting money from the gov, which is what I need to put a roof over me and my cats’ heads. I want to do what the spiritual me wants to, needs to do, which is say, ‘no’ and do only that which brings good feelings, never taking action upon anything that feels emotionally negative. But, if I do that, I’ll be homeless. But, acting upon only what feels good is how one gets to one’s highest joy, focusing on what feels good and not taking any actions that feel bad is how you manifest good things, the things that you realised you prefer via the contrast in your life. But HOW do I do that from where I am?

m. lobuglio

So, I was crying and upset and angry about how alone I feel, angry that I wasn’t born completely extra sensory so I could see my guides etc and truly, really, know that I’m never alone in this fucked up 3D hologram…yelling at no one and everyone in the universe who is non physical to fucking show up for me because I would love for my ego-3D mind to shut the fuck up and release fear by seeing that I am never alone…all the while knowing that won’t work, because in order to see non-physical energy I need to meet it half way by raising my frequency to one that matches the subtler energies along the light spectrum, but then again – anger – because how can I do that when I am in that emotional state, and that’s when I need it? – so I continue feeling alone. I just so badly, in those moments, wanted help and I yelled and nothing happened and it shits me so much, but again, it’s no one’s fault.

uriel bed

Apparently I signed up for this. But I don’t even remember signing up for this. And I just, in those moments, and in some continuing moments, I just want out. But I know I don’t really. But I did. Then I started wishing, and still do in and out of present moments, wish that I wasn’t this spiritual person who knows about universal truths and wants to evolve…because it would be so much easier to be an atheist and/or someone who is happy to work an administrative desk job or something, not me – this spiritual person who wants to help other people dramatically and wholly and emotionally, this person who knows their purpose and feels suffocated by anything other than the pursuit of that…I want to want to be alright with applying to these mundane jobs………but I don’t really, and I’m not, so I’m just stuck because it is what I have to do to not become homeless.

So, what the fuck do I do? I am trying to keep the faith, but some days I’m just drowning.