self confidence

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Stuck

I am becoming wholly disillusioned with the job market, career and all that. It is not often that I feel the wave of faith slipping away from me but it is an occasional, inevitable, aspect of my life experience.

It’s moments like these that childhood becomes a fairytale that is long since gone…Alas, I (and we) know that it is a distortion that has affected the memories due to the feelings of the now (most of the time, I guess parts of it are fairytale-esque). When I refer to my childhood in a wistful way, I am mostly referring to times before the age of say 11 or 12. It is then, I think, when the effects of Bipolar started to really show themselves in my life…I read over my old diaries a while ago that live in a box, in my old bedroom at my parent’s house…and they are quite sad from the time they began, which was at about age 11. They continue mostly in the same vein of emphatic expression of pain until they end at about 16… I think that was when I started really just sticking to online journaling (livejournal). I do have some print outs of those entries. They also continue to express pain and A LOT of sad poetry.

Anyway, I feel faithless at the moment which is unlike the most-of-me that I know. As I express sadness, I always have another part of my mind that is going on about how it’s all okay in the broader perspective of things, how it will all be okay. And it’s kind of annoying because then I make myself feel silly/guilty/invalidated relative to my depressive feelings. That is something I am working on.

I am and always have been in a constant turmoil relative to money. Money and guilt (from being semi-supported by my parents) and guilt about past actions (mostly related to those actions and interactions with others performed whilst in the sea of bipolar hitting like a storm around the age of 17, so perfectly forgiveable, but that’s the rational mind…the emotional mind is still sunk at the bottom of the sea, keeping myself anchored down with tons of guilt).
My other ‘thing’ is this hole in my heart (like a literal auric hole in my energy system) due to past (romantic) relationship traumas.

Whilst I have healed from the aforementioned (excluding the ongoing guilt/money issue), I haven’t at the same time. And I keep wanting to face it and I feel this ‘I should, I need to, I must!’ guilt for not doing so as well! This whole guilt thing is very entrenched within me. It affects my level of self worth, which in turn affects my ability to attract money into my life, which in turn increases the level of guilt relative to money. It’s almost humorous how insanely and cleverly embedded this all is. It’s self perpetuating to a degree and that’s just like, “ugh, stop it me!”.

What has prompted this wave of everything is being told I didn’t get the job after doing an interview yesterday. I thought I was alright about it but then my mum asked about it and I nearly started crying when I said no. It made me think about how I must look like a failure and brought up my cyclic train of thought about my intrinsic value, or lack thereof (hello low self worth, nice to see you again). I started worrying about when I have to tell my employment provider (an organisation the government connects you with who helps you apply to jobs and such if you are a job seeker) that I failed, again. So there’s that. Then it makes the thoughts about me being a spiritual guide or intuitive or whatever and not doing so great at that begin to swirl around like a pretty damn volatile tornado in my head.

I am not built for working in ‘normal’ jobs but I decided to try and see the positives of the situation and tried to actually ‘want’ and ‘go for’ such jobs. Having failed at that makes me reflect on what else I’ve got going for me… I’m psychic and have this huge urge to help others but I haven’t done much of it. And y’know what? It’s probably due to my low self worth (don’t have the confidence in my abilities to really go for it), which creates the shit money cycle, which creates a situation where I have to lean on my parents, which creates the guilt, which contributes the self worth issue. So wtf.

The answer is, of course, to do shadow work (I.e. find the root belief (pretty sure it’s ‘I am worthless’) and heal it). I have done it once…but I obviously didn’t convince myself enough when I went to heal it. And now I can’t bring myself to do it (it was really hard to get myself to do it the first time too) because of the immense pain I know I will feel. What I should do is utilise Teal Swan’s emotional body techniques/do inner child work. But I can’t because of the block of fear – fear of the pain. So I feel really really fucking stuck.

And that’s my story, for tonight.

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Fear of Failure/Paws on Hearts

The other day I was feeling upset because I had talked to Rose (one of my cats) and she told me she was upset that we had ‘stopped having sacred time’. She was talking about how I used to meditate and communicate with the animals more than I currently do. The main reason I stopped is because I doubted my abilities. And it upset her.

I have a massive ‘fear of failure’ complex relative to pretty much everything in my life. It leads me to the irrational response or reflex of ‘okay, if I don’t try I can’t fail, so I won’t’. This is not conscious at the time but it is something realised upon reflection, and it is very common from what I can tell.

Rose blamed the new(ish) cat Uriel for seemingly being the reason I stopped having that ‘sacred time’ with her and Panda (my other cat). I explained to Rose that it was just coincidental timing and that it was my fear, so it was my fault, not Uriel’s. After I explained this all to Rose I was feeling really upset about it. Uriel was sitting (basically) on me as I started crying. She reached up and put her paw on my heart and I knew it was to heal it.

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Uriel and I

Rose was upset in general that we got another cat. She said it’s not what she wanted. So I’ve still been feeling really bad about it. But conflicted because I love Uriel and she’s not going anywhere..
Last night I explained to Rose about how I just got this feeling that we had to get another kitty, and that when I saw Uriel it was like, ‘omg. this kitty belongs with me. She belongs with our family. I just know it.’ I explained to Rose that it was the same feeling I had when I first saw her, and when I first met Panda too. I said it was really hard because I knew Rose would not like it that much…yet I still had this feeling. Rose started headbutting me (aka lovingly rubbing her face against mine) and saying she understands.

I also explained to her again that I stopped talking to them because of my own fear…fear of being wrong when I speak to them. I explained to her that it is hard for me to distinguish between me making things up in my head and me actually hearing them in my head. I told her that people aren’t like animals, we don’t talk in our minds normally, and it’s a learning process. She headbutted me again.

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Rose and I

Later on that same night I saw Rose sitting quite close to Uriel. They both had their eyes half closed and I ‘felt’ that they were having a conversation. I swear I heard Rose saying sorry. There was a peaceful communion of some sort at least. I’m so glad.

It’s stuff like this, like Rose rubbing my face, and Uriel putting her paw on my heart, and the budgie at my family home starting to squawk like crazy to say, ‘it’s okay! it’s okay! you’re here now. it’s okay!’ when I started apologising over and over for his illness and that we hadn’t looked after him better…It’s stuff like this that makes me remember and realise that the animals are just so unconditionally loving and beautiful and despite my fears, I should keep trying. I should just keep trying because they are here for me.

And it’s not a special thing you know. Any one who puts the effort into knowing animals will get the same response from them and come to the same realisations…they are beings of wholeness, consciousness, love and feelings, just like us. They want to connect and they unconditionally love to the best of their ability. Explaining things to them really really helps, even if you don’t fully believe it, one should try. The worst that happens is that it works.

Rose and I are getting a bamboo palm, house plant tomorrow. We’re going to meditate and send love to it together and that will be our sacred time. It was her suggestion and I think it’s great.

I just spoke to two cats for a couple of people today and it went well and it was all good. I had the visions, I heard the words… I just need to remember these moments. Gotta remember: I can do it.

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Panda and I

 

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Screw the ‘Shoulds’

I think it’s so important to be real. I like being real. I think part of my purpose is to ‘be real’ so that others feel free to do the same – feel free to release themselves of whatever prison they’ve built around themselves via societal rules, parental and upbringing rules and effects, whatever. You will always be far more quickly propelled towards your joy if you allow yourself to be true to who you are. Because the rest is just a façade that you’ve built up that is not really as solid as you think.

The only thing that gives weight to rules and your understanding of what is acceptable, what is normal and what is unacceptable, what is strange or wrong…is you.

And relative to being real I’ve felt prompted to write this –

There is a part of me that feels like I ‘should’ utilise my expanded awareness more than I currently due via this blog/the internet. I ‘should’ be writing more about all the things that I know about spirituality and metaphysics (maybe me even writing my book is the effect of a similar ‘should’ mentality) for the sake of others’ learning. But the fact that I don’t always feel inspired to tells me that that is not my role. So, why the ‘should’? Because that is the programmed half of me. The part that says, “If I don’t share these things a) I don’t have the right to call myself a guide b) it’s selfish because sharing this information would benefit others and improve their lives and I should want that for them c) all of this means I am not good, not a good person, a good human…and let’s ask, what’s so bad about that? Well, then I’m not deserving of love.

So the ultimate issue is something like… If I don’t stick to these ‘shoulds’ I am surely not a good person and I am therefore not worthy of love. (I must say that it is kind of sad to the self that observes right now, as I realise that this programming has even infiltrated my spirituality…)

This ultimate issue, this programming surrounding deserving, love and the parameters for being worthy of it stems from, you guessed it, childhood. It’s that same whole thing…it doesn’t mean my parents did a crap job at raising me – the majority of the population alive today are all about the ‘shoulds’ because it’s been going on so long, it’s pretty much engraved in our genetic code/is the parenting style of the last 50 bajillion centuries: If you don’t do certain things, or if you do do certain things, you don’t get love (because you are not worthy of it).

We have totally forgotten the universal truth – there is nothing you can do or not do that makes you more or less worthy of love. You are already worthy. You exist because you are worthy. You are made up of atoms of love that conspired to create you…and even the miraculousness that is that sentence is not evidence for you being worthy of love – that’s just a fact, just like the fact that you are worthy of love. I am worthy of love. The ant is worthy of love (and it knows it – to the point where it does not even have a concept or awareness of such a ridiculous notion). The tree is worthy of love (same as the ant ^). It’s just us humans.

Somewhere in time, in the midst of disconnecting from our Source aspect in order to get wrapped up in the 3D video game that is life, we invented ‘worth’.
Worth can never taken away or added to because there was never even a concept of worth (before humans).
The natural order of things does not know of ‘worth’. ‘Worth’ does not really exist.

(Now to drill this into my brain) (it is funny how half of you knows and 100% believes something whilst the other half can still have such a strong hold on the opposite belief) (I will get there, so will you).

Anyway,

I know the counter view. One actually should not succumb to pressure from childhood programming about worth and love and deserving. I say an actual ‘should’ here (for lack of a better term, ugh) because I think the only real should (again I wish there was a better term here) for me at least might be, ‘follow your heart. follow your joy. follow you and only you.’ (or something like that). AND I know that I do write about things that do serve others whether they are from a personal standpoint like this entry or whether they are more informational, which they sometimes are (See ‘should’! I AM doing it. So there.) <— this exemplifies just how blinded such programming can make us…

So, the moral of this story/entry/rant is: I SHOULD continue to be who I am whether that means I write about spirituality from whatever perspective or not.

Considering all of this, I will soon make a new category of my blog entitled something like, “Random thoughts” or “Screw the Shoulds” or something. Hooray.