“The creator being is a point of consciousness in a sea of many perspectives.
The creator being is like a telescope that has stretched farther than all other points of consciousness. The creator being is an investigator.
The creator being learns on behalf of Source, the ever expanding, pervading totality of all points of consciousness as one.
When the creator being comes down into the physical dimension there tends to be a lot of suffering. There is a fracturing, a splintering of consciousness that occurs over and over here in this realm.
As children we suffer deeply when we are taught to cut off pieces of ourselves in order to fit into society, to be labelled as normal, productive and conducive to this human society. But this is not humane. Because this was…” [click to read more]
I am so fucking angry and disappointed right now. I can’t be bothered to explain why at this point in time but I just wanted to type somewhere angrily and YELL ABOUT HOW SHIT THE GOVERNMENT IS IN CAPS LOCK.
THE GOVERNMENT IS SHIT AND UNLOVING AND NEEDS CHANGE. I wish I could just jump into the future where the mass consciousness has evolved into (or returned to it’s natural state of) one of unity and openness.
But I can’t. SO I’M JUST GOING TO WRITE IN CAPS LOCK AND THINK IN LOUD NOISES UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.
INSERT EXPRESSION OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT AT PEOPLE’S LACK OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE UNIVERSE EVEN THOUGH I GUESS IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT IT IS STILL FUCKING ANNOYING AND MAKES MY LIFE THAT MUCH HARDER UGH UGH UGH UGH
I think it’s so important to be real. I like being real. I think part of my purpose is to ‘be real’ so that others feel free to do the same – feel free to release themselves of whatever prison they’ve built around themselves via societal rules, parental and upbringing rules and effects, whatever. You will always be far more quickly propelled towards your joy if you allow yourself to be true to who you are. Because the rest is just a façade that you’ve built up that is not really as solid as you think.
The only thing that gives weight to rules and your understanding of what is acceptable, what is normal and what is unacceptable, what is strange or wrong…is you.
And relative to being real I’ve felt prompted to write this –
There is a part of me that feels like I ‘should’ utilise my expanded awareness more than I currently due via this blog/the internet. I ‘should’ be writing more about all the things that I know about spirituality and metaphysics (maybe me even writing my book is the effect of a similar ‘should’ mentality) for the sake of others’ learning. But the fact that I don’t always feel inspired to tells me that that is not my role. So, why the ‘should’? Because that is the programmed half of me. The part that says, “If I don’t share these things a) I don’t have the right to call myself a guide b) it’s selfish because sharing this information would benefit others and improve their lives and I should want that for them c) all of this means I am not good, not a good person, a good human…and let’s ask, what’s so bad about that? Well, then I’m not deserving of love.
So the ultimate issue is something like… If I don’t stick to these ‘shoulds’ I am surely not a good person and I am therefore not worthy of love. (I must say that it is kind of sad to the self that observes right now, as I realise that this programming has even infiltrated my spirituality…)
This ultimate issue, this programming surrounding deserving, love and the parameters for being worthy of it stems from, you guessed it, childhood. It’s that same whole thing…it doesn’t mean my parents did a crap job at raising me – the majority of the population alive today are all about the ‘shoulds’ because it’s been going on so long, it’s pretty much engraved in our genetic code/is the parenting style of the last 50 bajillion centuries: If you don’t do certain things, or if you do do certain things, you don’t get love (because you are not worthy of it).
We have totally forgotten the universal truth – there is nothing you can do or not do that makes you more or less worthy of love. You are already worthy. You exist because you are worthy. You are made up of atoms of love that conspired to create you…and even the miraculousness that is that sentence is not evidence for you being worthy of love – that’s just a fact, just like the fact that you are worthy of love. I am worthy of love. The ant is worthy of love (and it knows it – to the point where it does not even have a concept or awareness of such a ridiculous notion). The tree is worthy of love (same as the ant ^). It’s just us humans.
Somewhere in time, in the midst of disconnecting from our Source aspect in order to get wrapped up in the 3D video game that is life, we invented ‘worth’.
Worth can never taken away or added to because there was never even a concept of worth (before humans).
The natural order of things does not know of ‘worth’. ‘Worth’ does not really exist.
(Now to drill this into my brain) (it is funny how half of you knows and 100% believes something whilst the other half can still have such a strong hold on the opposite belief) (I will get there, so will you).
I know the counter view. One actually should not succumb to pressure from childhood programming about worth and love and deserving. I say an actual ‘should’ here (for lack of a better term, ugh) because I think the only real should (again I wish there was a better term here) for me at least might be, ‘follow your heart. follow your joy. follow you and only you.’ (or something like that). AND I know that I do write about things that do serve others whether they are from a personal standpoint like this entry or whether they are more informational, which they sometimes are (See ‘should’! I AM doing it. So there.) <— this exemplifies just how blinded such programming can make us…
So, the moral of this story/entry/rant is: I SHOULD continue to be who I am whether that means I write about spirituality from whatever perspective or not.
Considering all of this, I will soon make a new category of my blog entitled something like, “Random thoughts” or “Screw the Shoulds” or something. Hooray.
I went to a party last night.
- I was enlightened more than ever before about the effect that alcohol has on my energy system.
- I began to really crave a more interconnected society.
- I met some nice people.
I’ve found that alcohol doesn’t really do that much for me. It does loosen me up socially a little bit, I guess, but only a little, even if I’m drunk, it’s not enough to say that it’s worth it any more. I think it’s because no matter how much alcohol I may ingest I am still just a different social creature when compared to most others at these parties I go to. It is interesting how much I have changed. I very much used to love getting drunk but last night and in recent previous nights I found myself thinking, “Why did I even drink that? It’s not even doing that much.” I am definitely saying, admitting it here – I am not someone who drinks alcohol for the taste. I am not a beer or wine connoisseur or lover of ‘insert spirit here’ on the rocks… I drink it because I feel like it will make me have a better time. Granted, some alcoholic beverages are in fact delicious like apple cider or Espresso Martinis, but if I was really after the taste only I would order a non-alcoholic apple cider and just an espresso, hold the Martini.
As of now, my energy system is just like bllearghhh. Not a hang over but just… blearrgh. I’m wearing my orgonite bracelet and I can see and feel the difference between the area of my body and energy field closest to the bracelet vs. the areas further away. My head, particularly is very foggy and gross. Around the skull there are small wisps of grey foggy energy going in and out of it, hence the feeling of ‘blearghh’. The front and back of my aura feels just icky and cloudy and like I need to breathe some light into there. Though, I must say there is something surprising going on – there is a strong violet/purple sort of jelly looking ball of light flowing between my chest and the first inner layer of the aura. I think it might be my connection to what I call ‘the one heart’ being particularly active at this time (the one heart: the collective heart chakra of humanity – you have your own but you are also connected to a larger energy system that belongs to humanity as a collective, as a whole being), probably because of my recent reflections relative to human interconnectedness that you will read below.
Additionally, I must add that I do believe that the higher my natural vibration is, the more sensitive I am to alcohol OR it’s that I am more psychically aware of the effects it has always had on my energy field. So, some breathing and stretching will soon be taking place. (Also, wearing a fluorite crystal necklace. I recommend fluorite for a general healing/cleansing effect, for anything really, it’s awesome). I kind of really just want to swim around in the ocean for an hour, I think that would help immensely. I miss Summer a lot. Anyway…
I met some great people last night. I am glad of that. We also did share some deeper conversations about life – mostly relative to the current unhealthy state of our societal environment… but even in those, I found myself not saying anything because I did fundamentally disagree with a lot of what was being presented – and I am not one to defensively present my opinion where it’s not relevant, but will and am more than happy to share it, if asked or if my ‘different’ opinion does become relevant and placeable. And I don’t mind being the one to disagree or the fact that someone’s perspective differs from mine. Always been pretty ‘meh’ about that.
The most fundamental and common thing that I’ve found that differs between me and others’ perspectives in these sorts of conversations is my understanding of consciousness. Like, most people are not ready to hear the perspective that believes that a rock and a stick have consciousness and that their life is just as precious as mine or a cat or a dogs. People are not ready to hear that changing society does not require protests and petitions all the time. Not to say that they don’t ever help…it’s just that, it becomes true that it really IS enough to just change yourself when one takes into account the way that energy and consciousness work to create an external reality.
And I don’t ever expect anyone to agree (hopefully this sort of sad non-expectation will fade over time as we and the Earth move into a higher state of being in the upcoming years) with these ways of viewing life…what I mean when I say that people aren’t ready is that…they’re not ready to hear any differing perspective, not just mine, without feeling compelled to explain why it’s wrong or aggressively declare their disagreement (note: This is a generalisation and is not reflective of all people I have interacted with in the recent past). I never find myself upset at the fact that I am usually the one who holds a different perspective. It is the way that people sometimes react to these ‘extreme’ perspectives I hold that is the thing that can sometimes be upsetting, not the simple fact that they disagree. – Though admittedly, hardly ever finding people that are on the same page does sometimes cause a pang of loneliness during later reflection (where are my people? sort of thing).
It’s in those moments that I realise I crave a more strongly bonded and/or interconnected society. It’s like…if we had a real, deep heart connection I would know exactly who you are, and you would know exactly who I am, if we could just see all of each other, on the deepest level – then we both would automatically know that there’s no need for an aggressive way of disagreeing because we would know that it is okay to have differing perspectives, because we would know that a) the world won’t fall apart if one finds that one is ‘wrong’ and b) that there is no judgement, no negative thoughts towards each other, because we are already wholly and lovingly embraced.
It’s fear…it’s all about fear, really.
It is fear that results from the assumption that if we hold different perspectives, or if my perspective changes because I happen to start agreeing with this other, new perspective, then that means that I have been living my life ‘wrong’ this whole time, and it also means that this could happen again at any moment, because before now I thought I was ‘right’ but as I’m finding now, I have been ‘wrong’. And this is not okay. It is not okay for me to maybe be ‘wrong’. It’s not okay because: uncertainty and the unknown – these are not allowed.
If I accept that my perspective on life has been altered or has the potential to be altered in some way at any given moment, then I am accepting that my understanding of the world can never be for certain. And that is scary.
Why is that scary?
Because then I don’t know things.
And what’s wrong with not knowing?
It leaves unprepared. It leaves me to the unknown.
And what’s so scary about being unprepared relative to the unknown?
Well, anything could happen/be out there.
Well, bad things could happen.
Yes. But that’s always the case no matter how much you think you know. And why would you assume that the unknown is full of only bad things? Why not good things? How can you make an assumption like that, or any at all, if it is all unknown? That literally doesn’t make sense.
The only assumption about the unknown that can be made is that no assumptions can be made about it.
When I see people arguing in a debate about these sorts of truths, it’s like, I know that you’re really arguing for your sense of safety and security, or for your pride and sense of self worth, or because your dad taught you some screwed up belief like maybe a ‘man’ always fights and wins, or because you believe that if you’re wrong then you’re a failure or something. It’s not about the presented issue. I know.
I know that when someone is saying, “Oh man, I hate insertnamehere, she’s so annoying.” I know: You don’t really hate her. Maybe she annoys you because she reflects something that is in you that annoys you that you want to change, or maybe you’re jealous of her and mad at yourself for not being more like her, or maybe when you were 6 a girl at school with that same name used to tease you. I know you’re just a bit messed up like the rest of us.
I always watch my parents fight (though they don’t call it fighting – they call it ‘stirring one another) and I know what they are really saying to one another. I know what is really triggering my mum’s need to ‘stir’ dad – because it’s the only way she can say what she really wants to say – in a ‘teasing’ way. And I think dad knows some of this stuff to, but he can’t admit to himself that he knows, so he carries on with it all and ‘stirs’ back. I know what they are saying and I do think that they would be a lot happier in the long run if they could be less fearful of the unknown and just share with each other.
If we all had a stronger heart connection we would all be sharing all the time and all would just know that I have a whole lot of empathy for you and you have a whole lot empathy for me, because we would really see one another and that’d be all. I think there would less fear and more faith in one another.
Everyone is intrinsically good. We’re all just kids that have taped ourselves up to resemble adults to the best of our ability.
Maybe I think and reflect way more than others. I can’t let go and talk about surface-y things for very long. I see the depth of it all, and I can’t detach from it. I can’t ‘turn it off’.
I think the thing, with the alcohol, is that I have high hopes that it will draw out the part of me that knows how to talk to other people on that surface level and that’s all, that it will make that part so loud that it will quieten the busy inner mind… And it does, a little bit, but not enough to remove the feeling of how unnatural and wrong my functioning seems to be when under it’s influence. And not even referring to crazy, or wild drunkard behaviour when I say how ‘wrong’ my functioning feels. It’s just this…layering of…heaviness over my head…and it’s the separation it causes between this inner, reflective and intuitive mind I speak of, the one that makes all these observations in the moment, vs. the surface-y personality aspect of me that interacts. When that part of me is active and the other part is not, or is less-than…THAT’S what it is, man. THAT.
It made me long for the kind of truly intimate and loving relationship I that I have with my best friends to also be shared between me and everyone. That connection between the heart chakras and that awareness of one another’s energy – which encompasses every layer and aspect of one’s being – that’s what we all need more of.
I think people think they’re really alone in their insecurities, traumas, and all that ‘dark’, all those pieces of themselves that are unknown to others around them…alone in the sense that they think that they are the only ones who are experiencing this darker shade of being human and/or that it’s not okay to share, or to want to be supported, or to ask for support…
When in reality, they’re not alone. We are all sharing the human experience…
Things I have learnt today:
Sometimes you can feel really stagnant and generally direction-less, and on the same day hear that others are admiringly calling you a badass behind your back.
(I thought I was spiritually stunted these last couple of weeks, when I have in fact been flying – fast and without aim, yet ending up exactly where I needed to be).
I’ve recently discovered that in all of my relationships I have experienced intensely conditional love. It is so obvious to me now. The words from past lovers that I replay in my head, they’re in big capital letters; standing there burning with embers that just don’t, won’t burn out.
My first boyfriend – it was that he loved me until I started to get depressed and emotional (from 17-18 years old – this was the onset stage of severe depression –> bipolar disorder (type II). This was officially diagnosed some time later).
Burning Quote: “/frustratedsigh My only problems are your problems!”
My second boyfriend – he sort of had this list in his head of stuff that I did/didn’t do that was bothering him…and they were just general aspects about how I had been acting over the last few months aka how I was being, who I was. I was attending TAFE doing Vet Nursing at the time and I kept not going to my weekly trainee job at the Veterinary practice I was training at. Or I would be really late. Or I would leave early. The reason behind this was the anxiety that it made me feel. The reason behind the anxiety was that, as it turned out, Vet Nursing was not something I was meant to, and ended up not wanting to continue.
Burning Quote: “I want a girlfriend that dresses pretty, not just when we go out. You know, how you used to always wear rings and jewellery and stuff when you came over…”
Sort-of-boyfriend (dated/lived together at university accommodation for about 2 months before his exchange ended and he returned to Sweden) – basically tried to end things after the night he found that I had cut myself during a horrible night of suicidal thoughts and depression. Also, turned into a jerk one night when I said I didn’t want to have sex until I had got my contraceptive pill regime all set up.
Burning Quote: “I don’t know, Becc. Maybe you’re just addicted to negative thought.” and “You should get up and go for a walk.” AKA “It’s probably your fault your depressed, you should exercise like everyone else, you’re just being lazy.”
My third boyfriend – he didn’t like that I didn’t go to work as much as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t have as much money as I should. He didn’t like that I didn’t eat as healthily as I should. He didn’t like that I never exercised like I should. He didn’t like the spiritual aspect of me either. He was embarrassed to be the boyfriend of the girl who talks to cats.
Burning Quote: “I hate that I have to be like, to my friends, “Here’s my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend, Becc…oh and, by the way, yea, she thinks she can talk to animals. /harshsarcasm”
As you can see all of these things are based around the idea of ‘SHOULDS’.
“You SHOULD be happier (even though you clearly have depression.)”
“You SHOULD go to work (even when you feel anxious or dislike what you’re doing.)”
“You SHOULD have more money (even though you yourself seem to not mind.)”
“You SHOULD exercise (even though you yourself seem to not want to and what you do with your body is your choice.)”
“You SHOULD dress better (even though you deserve love even when you’re not wearing pretty clothes.)”
“You SHOULD eat better (even though what you do with your body and diet is your choice and doesn’t really affect me.)”
I have constantly been loved until…
Until I don’t meet certain standards – these standards that others hold themselves to because it was instilled in them from society, the education system and their parents (and their parents, the same, and their parents’ parents, the same, and so on, generations back…).
The people who have loved me, have loved me conditionally. They have loved me on the condition that I fit their idea of what makes a person worthy of love (including them, themselves). Upon reflection I can now see that these standards and conditions are coincidentally an exact match to what I (and you, the reader, may also) consider to be most of the ‘shoulds’ of the standard citizen in our current society:
The model citizen:
Eats a healthy diet, has a steady income, exercises, has savings, dresses ‘well’ (who decides?), works a ‘normal-sounding-not-talking-to-animals-or-dead-people-kind-of-job’ and doesn’t believe there is more than meets the eye to their reality. They preferably have some kind of big, ambitious career plan or goal, and/or are studying a vocational degree or apprenticeship (something that allows them to slide easily into the generic work force of today) and is always or most of the time a happy person (easy to deal with).
And you know, the above is a great way to be. Really. But not if it doesn’t feel good to you. Exercising and eating a healthy diet is obviously a good thing for anyone and everyone to do…only if it is truly self loving.
What is truly self loving always feels good.
A little example:
If you are deciding between eating a cheeseburger and a salad, and you truly feel emotionally negative when you consider eating the salad instead of the cheeseburger – guess what? It is self loving to eat the cheeseburger. It is self abusive to force yourself to eat the salad.
That negative feeling and those negative thoughts, about how icky the salad is, that you’ll probably have as you eat, is your body and soul telling you that this is not a good experience, this is not a nice thing to do to yourself, this is not self loving. What is self loving, is to eat the cheeseburger. By doing this, you are at most slightly lowering your vibration (unless you feel really really great about that cheeseburger, you might even maintain or increase your vibration if eating it brings you true joy), which is bad, yes, BUT when you compare this to how low you would get with all the aforementioned negative thoughts and feelings running through your system, it’s nothing. It is always better for you to do what truly feels good.
This is how you grow self love. You do what makes you feel good. And over time, as you do this, soon it won’t feel self loving to eat a cheeseburger…
As your vibration raises, you will begin to naturally only be attracted to higher vibrational foods. You’ll go from loving cheeseburgers, to thinking they’re a bit icky looking, to choosing the salad over the cheeseburger, to being in such a good vibration relative to self love that you will find yourself at a place where cheeseburgers aren’t even available, or they’ll stop selling cheeseburgers at the regular place you go to because you are now sooo not a vibrational match to the frequency of cheeseburgers, that it is literally not possible for them to be in your experience any more.
Anyway, this is how we have to be with everything in our lives. What is self loving is always what feels good.
And I, haha, IIII got so confused and muddled in all of this that I convinced myself that I really did want the salad over the cheeseburger, but I only wanted the salad because I thought it would make others (and me) love me.
Now, think of yoga as the salad and not-yoga as the cheeseburger:
I thought I wanted to get back into yoga because it would be good for me – and I want what’s good for me because being healthy is good and stuff. And I do actually enjoy it once I actually begin, most of the time. But every time I have gone to start, I just don’t end up doing it. I procrastinate. And then I get mad at myself. But you know why I was procrastinating so much? Because it didn’t feel good to make that decision to actually go and do some yoga (/commence procrastination). And you know why it didn’t feel good? Because I didn’t/don’t actually want to do yoga. I want to do yoga so that I can say, “I am a person who exercises”, which (as I have concluded from past experiences) makes me worthy of love.
What I really want is unconditional love.
And it’s really actually kind of sad because me getting mad at myself for not doing yoga was me being those people who love conditionally. If I loved myself unconditionally, I wouldn’t have gotten mad at myself.
An unconditionally loving reaction would have been, “Oh well!” (or you know, nothing at all). But, the angry reaction I felt (at myself) is the evidence that I, myself, hold this kind of conditional love for myself as well, just like my past lovers…
Yoga is just one example. This applies to everything I thought I wanted:
Money, a healthy diet, physical fitness, a career…
But… when I look at all this, and I examine and I think in this new, air of truth…
Q. Do I really want money?
A. No. I don’t mind. I would be happy if my financial situation stayed the same.
True want/belief: I really want love from others and having money is the only way I can ensure I will have their love and maintain it.
Q. Relative to money, what do I really want? /ponder
A. What I do really want is the physical security that money can provide.
Like, money allows me to pay for rent, which allows me to be in a house, which is a home for me and my cats.
I want money so I can pay the bills that allow me to have electricity in my house.
Even the things that I sort of want? A new, nicer apartment? A big painting? A new car? I actually don’t mind. Sure, it’d be nice. But I don’t intensely want these things like I thought I did. I now notice the intensity, the sense of desperation I had when I thought of these things is gone! So, it seems that I just want them because I believe I have to have them to acquire love from others (and even from myself).
Q. Do I really want to eat a healthy diet?
A. No. I want to eat what I want at the time, I don’t want to plan a diet. I know that ultimately my vibration at the time of the meal will dictate what I choose to eat. But the big idea I had of a ‘healthy diet’? That’s not me. That’s me wanting to say that I eat healthily enough to be loved.
And so on and so forth.
I am now learning to love myself properly, unconditionally. Watch this space.
I realised just now that I never allow myself to be fearful. I always think that it is not okay, more than that, that I am not really allowed to be fearful. I know I procrastinate the hell out of my life because of displaced fear and energy. I just don’t know what fuck to do with it so I apparently just stifle it down and let it simmer in procrastination with the internet and television shows and 4am.
I am scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeddddddddddd of sooo much shit.
I am scared to breathe.
Sometimes I feel like the world is a big, endless room where knives are sticking out of the walls and I’m just crammed in the middle with not very much space to walk through without getting sliced. Wow, disturbing image. It’s not as bad as that sounds, I swear.
It’s just like, I feel stifled. I feel like ‘society’ or ‘the machine’ is constantly judging me and putting pressure on me to become a ‘normal’ person. And apparently I disagree with it, but instead of doing what I want to do which is say, “fuck you society!” as I quickly walk down the slice-y hallway, (regardless of the danger of being stabbed by the wall-knives, not caring if I come out with scratches and cuts) and out into the light as my true self like, “huzzah! yes! fuck you, indeed!” , I just sort of sit there adamantly being my true self and so I can think that I’m sort of still being like, ‘yea, fuck you guys! I’m living my life however I want!’ but without moving. Being ‘real’ but not taking those active steps I very much want to take because I still actually fear the slice-y walls that represent the machine that is society, and am only a tiny bit as brave as I actually want to be. I’m crouching under the knives half-yelling ‘fuck you!’ “yea…take…that…man…” but not actually doing anything.
No seeing the light of reachingyourdreamsdespiteeverythingthat’sagainstyou for me. Just a bit of inner rebelliousness and not much else.
I’m just scaaaaaaaaaaaaredddddd.
And that’s my story, for tonight (or should I say, this morning).
Edit: Reading over this, I realise that I’m not really giving myself credit for the action that I actually do take towards getting out of the hallway of knives. I am openly being myself in this really dense world e.g. I write this blog at the risk of anyone and everyone seeing it, I write it for a good cause – I know it helps others to be the example of someone who is standing up as authentic, someone who is voicing their opinion about the unnaturalness of just allowing ourselves to be okay with being a ‘cog in the machine’…
I talk to animals and trees and crystals and dead people and angels and aliens despite the intense, immense load of bullshit we are fed about how that’s all not real and everything… I survived school, too. God damn. I was thinking about that today. SURVIVING SCHOOL IS EPIC. If you survived any schooling based within the current system MY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU. The education system is just totally screwing our imaginations, individuality, sense of identity…the truth of who we are really… and to come out with even a breath of any of that remaining is truly amazing. YAY, ME! Yay, YOU!
More stuff I should give myself credit for:
I love my cats so dearly I know they appreciate it x 1000.
I always take the effort to understand others’ perspective as much as I can.
I really care about my friends.
I am breathing despite scars on my wrists and wounds in my heart. So, yea…
Screw you, hallway of knives…I’m coming out…even if I’m bleeding, battered and/or crawling on my knees by the time I hit the light!
I’m going to go here and flutter through the trees like the sun…
I have just read a blog by Teal (Teal Swan/Teal Scott/The Spiritual Catalyst) about ego and humility. I completely agree with a resonate with her perspective shown in this blog – http://blog.thespiritualcatalyst.com/ego-and-humility
I frequently experience people commenting on how I am ‘soooo skinny’ or ‘sooo pretty’ and how they ‘wish they could look like me’, knowing that they are (more often than not) seeking a compliment from me.
Example 1: *going shopping* “Oh man, Becc, I can’t believe you are a size 8/small, I wish I was as skinny as you!”
Example 2: *I compliment them on something* “No way! I am like, so fat and ugly.” – If I don’t say something like, “Oh, not at all. You are beautiful.” they assume my silence means I agree with their statement. If I say, “No, really, you’re so pretty” the argument continues on with a response from them such as, “Nooo, look at my face/hips/something they consider a flaw, ughhh” ….and from there…I don’t know what to say which takes us back to them thinking my lack of response means that I agree with their statement. But the truth of it is: I do not like to respond to these kind of compliment seeking behaviours because I feel like if I do, I am encouraging them to only value the opinion of others, as opposed to having to make the effort to discover what they like about themselves.
I am really over people’s self deprecation. It sometimes makes me feel bad that just by looking at me, other women may feel negative emotion towards themselves. In some ways it has caused me to hide or purposefully not accentuate my natural beauty. Another core of the matter is that I am so sick of getting comments on how I am ‘too skinny’ and should apparently ‘eat more’. I have a naturally petite body shape, there is no unnatural restriction or anything going on behind the scenes here.
Recently, I was reflecting on my relationship to femininity as a whole and realised that I had started to purposely only wear clothing that was not feminine looking and not tight-fitting in the last few years because I was so sick of all of these comments I receive from others. …I still get them, but not as much as before.
The other issue I have with being considered an attractive being is to do with interacting with males:
If I wear feminine, tight fitting or sexually alluring (like clothing that ‘shows a lot of skin’) clothing it is apparently seen as an invitation for male attention. It is very often unwanted attention and comes from people I don’t know and/or who I definitely do not want to attract.
I used to get whistled at in the street, just when I would go shopping or whatever, or just going for a walk near my house. It still happens for sure, but less now. I remember walking with my mum, shopping in town one day when I was about 15 and getting whistled at by some random guys in a car. I found that very embarrassing and awkward!
So again, this brought me to the decision or belief that if I do not wear feminine clothing, I will not get so much attention.
Being looked at by men in this way makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed because it causes strangers to look around and see who is being whistled at (so then I have more people looking at me), or if I am with friends it often begins the unwanted conversation about how I am ‘sooo pretty’ and how they are contrastingly, ‘sooo ugly’. It also makes me feel un-safe. It makes me feel like these men are looking at me like I am an object that they can potentially take advantage of, it gives me an instinctual, almost primitive feeling of being threatened…and that is a very unfortunate, automatic judgement that I seem to have acquired about the overall characteristics of men – that they all have this shallow, and potentially aggressive nature within them – as a result of these unwanted experiences (usually applicable to only the ones that I do not know well, or at all).
I would like to not have such a belief! I would like to not hold this judgement, as of course, not all men are like this. I do know this, rationally, but emotion and instinct takes over within those moments and causes the thought/judgement to crop up and become real.
From both men and women I have also experienced people being very surprised that, after interacting with me properly, they find that I am actually a very intelligent and interesting person, as opposed to ‘just a pretty face’ or ‘a blonde’.
Then comes the disappointment (this I think is limited to the men who are physically attracted to me – initially) that by virtue of me being intelligent, means I do not fit their criteria or their hopes of who or what I am. In most cases, I am referring to the fact that I am a very spiritual being with some ‘craaaazy beliefs’. When they back away after one or two interactions…it is insulting. And rationally speaking, I know this is because of their fear of having to question their current beliefs about reality, people and life itself. And yet…the pain and disappointment that I am suddenly not ‘worthy of their time’ or whatever, begins to flow. (This painful reaction of mine is born from my own core belief that questions my innate self-worth)…
This also comes from having had two romantic relationships where my spirituality and my partners’ lack thereof became a big issue and (from my perspective) was part of the reasoning behind the break-up. However, right now I am talking about peoples’ initial reaction as opposed to trying to accept it and failing after having started a deep, romantic relationship.
So anyway, the point is… it is HARD to be beautiful at times and I hope that one day people are inspired enough, (even if it is by hitting ‘rock bottom’ relative to their thoughts and emotions about their looks, as sometimes this is what it takes) to really NOTICE who you REALLY are. You are NOT your looks and NOR AM I.
A lot of people may read this and be offended, or feel some kind emotionally negative feelings, by the fact that I am calling myself beautiful but THIS is a reflection of the exact problem within society that I am trying to express.
I look in the mirror and I appreciate what I see, and that should be considered an achievement in the midst of being exposed to the current (fashionably speaking) standard of beauty.
It is sad to me that whilst I can do this, I cannot, at times, get over what people see in me once they actually interact with me – that is, a ‘strange’ and ‘crazy’ and ‘no longer worth my time’ kind of person.
It is sad to me that just by seeing me, some women are caused to feel negatively about themselves, and often express this to me as well…
It is sad to me that by being beautiful I am fearful and judgemental of some men.
And all of this does come back to my sense of self worth in some aspects. But within this blog post, I am making a more general comment on society based on my perspective and experiences in life.
There is a line between being humble and not appreciating who you are and I am determined to stay in balance with it….
I will do this by acknowledging the truth of who I am, by noticing who I really am (and I encourage you to do this too).
I am a multidimensional creator. I am powerful, loving, courageous and luminescent.
Read this article – http://www.sophiagubb.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-indigo/ – and the following will become relevant and make sense:
I so recall being like, “But WHY?” to my teachers and parents over and over and then they’d get to, “Because that’s just how it is.” but that was never enough, “But WHY is that how it is?” it absolutely baffled me. And it confused me even more that others weren’t questioning it as well. And I always wondered how on Earth can people be like, “Oh well, that’s just how things are.” and not go insane with questions and a feeling of imprisonment! My Biology teacher was like, “ahhh, Rebecca, we need to get back on topic…” when she ran out of answers haha.
My dad was also very anti-why?? as well. You don’t ask those questions, you just do it (if being instructed for something) or just accept it. And I was aaalways like, “How can everyone be like this? How can everyone not see the amazingness? Why is everyone happy to lead such boring lives? Don’t they want to DO something? Something EXTRA-ordinary for themselves/others/the world?!”
….Ahh I’m just typing here to reiterate how much the WHY-ness characteristic resonates with me! I just find unquestioned acceptance of societal rules and restrictions and habits and all limiting traits of the present ‘normal’ within this world so confusing.
The lack of definitive answers for many of my questions resulted in this solid and unwavering belief: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
Like, look at this crazy-ass lizard. It’s just like…freakin’ blue and has weird scales which are like…body toe-nails all over itself. It is tiny but runs through the world and looks up at everything bigger than it but gives no shits and continues to exist and live it’s life.
And that is just one piece of this ginormous blue weird space marble ball thing we are floating around on in this dark mysterious nothingness realm.