the unknown

Parties, People and Fear

I went to a party last night.

  • I was enlightened more than ever before about the effect that alcohol has on my energy system.
  • I began to really crave a more interconnected society.
  • I met some nice people.

I’ve found that alcohol doesn’t really do that much for me. It does loosen me up socially a little bit, I guess, but only a little, even if I’m drunk, it’s not enough to say that it’s worth it any more. I think it’s because no matter how much alcohol I may ingest I am still just a different social creature when compared to most others at these parties I go to. It is interesting how much I have changed. I very much used to love getting drunk but last night and in recent previous nights I found myself thinking, “Why did I even drink that? It’s not even doing that much.” I am definitely saying, admitting it here – I am not someone who drinks alcohol for the taste. I am not a beer or wine connoisseur or lover of ‘insert spirit here’ on the rocks… I drink it because I feel like it will make me have a better time. Granted, some alcoholic beverages are in fact delicious like apple cider or Espresso Martinis, but if I was really after the taste only I would order a non-alcoholic apple cider and just an espresso, hold the Martini.

As of now, my energy system is just like bllearghhh. Not a hang over but just… blearrgh. I’m wearing my orgonite bracelet and I can see and feel the difference between the area of my body and energy field closest to the bracelet vs. the areas further away. My head, particularly is very foggy and gross. Around the skull there are small wisps of grey foggy energy going in and out of it, hence the feeling of ‘blearghh’. The front and back of my aura feels just icky and cloudy and like I need to breathe some light into there. Though, I must say there is something surprising going on – there is a strong violet/purple sort of jelly looking ball of light flowing between my chest and the first inner layer of the aura. I think it might be my connection to what I call ‘the one heart’ being particularly active at this time (the one heart: the collective heart chakra of humanity – you have your own but you are also connected to a larger energy system that belongs to humanity as a collective, as a whole being), probably because of my recent reflections relative to human interconnectedness that you will read below.
Additionally, I must add that I do believe that the higher my natural vibration is, the more sensitive I am to alcohol OR it’s that I am more psychically aware of the effects it has always had on my energy field. So, some breathing and stretching will soon be taking place. (Also, wearing a fluorite crystal necklace. I recommend fluorite for a general healing/cleansing effect, for anything really, it’s awesome). I kind of really just want to swim around in the ocean for an hour, I think that would help immensely. I miss Summer a lot. Anyway…

I met some great people last night. I am glad of that. We also did share some deeper conversations about life – mostly relative to the current unhealthy state of our societal environment… but even in those, I found myself not saying anything because I did fundamentally disagree with a lot of what was being presented – and I am not one to defensively present my opinion where it’s not relevant, but will and am more than happy to share it, if asked or if my ‘different’ opinion does become relevant and placeable. And I don’t mind being the one to disagree or the fact that someone’s perspective differs from mine. Always been pretty ‘meh’ about that.

The most fundamental and common thing that I’ve found that differs between me and others’ perspectives in these sorts of conversations is my understanding of consciousness. Like, most people are not ready to hear the perspective that believes that a rock and a stick have consciousness and that their life is just as precious as mine or a cat or a dogs. People are not ready to hear that changing society does not require protests and petitions all the time. Not to say that they don’t ever help…it’s just that, it becomes true that it really IS enough to just change yourself when one takes into account the way that energy and consciousness work to create an external reality.

buddha quote oneness

And I don’t ever expect anyone to agree (hopefully this sort of sad non-expectation will fade over time as we and the Earth move into a higher state of being in the upcoming years) with these ways of viewing life…what I mean when I say that people aren’t ready is that…they’re not ready to hear any differing perspective, not just mine, without feeling compelled to explain why it’s wrong or aggressively declare their disagreement (note: This is a generalisation and is not reflective of all people I have interacted with in the recent past). I never find myself upset at the fact that I am usually the one who holds a different perspective. It is the way that people sometimes react to these ‘extreme’ perspectives I hold that is the thing that can sometimes be upsetting, not the simple fact that they disagree. – Though admittedly, hardly ever finding people that are on the same page does sometimes cause a pang of loneliness during later reflection (where are my people? sort of thing).

It’s in those moments that I realise I crave a more strongly bonded and/or interconnected society. It’s like…if we had a real, deep heart connection I would know exactly who you are, and you would know exactly who I am, if we could just see all of each other, on the deepest level – then we both would automatically know that there’s no need for an aggressive way of disagreeing because we would know that it is okay to have differing perspectives, because we would know that a) the world won’t fall apart if one finds that one is ‘wrong’ and b) that there is no judgement, no negative thoughts towards each other, because we are already wholly and lovingly embraced.

It’s fear…it’s all about fear, really.

It is fear that results from the assumption that if we hold different perspectives, or if my perspective changes because I happen to start agreeing with this other, new perspective, then that means that I have been living my life ‘wrong’ this whole time, and it also means that this could happen again at any moment, because before now I thought I was ‘right’ but as I’m finding now, I have been ‘wrong’. And this is not okay. It is not okay for me to maybe be ‘wrong’. It’s not okay because: uncertainty and the unknown – these are not allowed.

If I accept that my perspective on life has been altered or has the potential to be altered in some way at any given moment, then I am accepting that my understanding of the world can never be for certain. And that is scary.
Why is that scary?
Because then I don’t know things.
And what’s wrong with not knowing?
It leaves unprepared. It leaves me to the unknown.
And what’s so scary about being unprepared relative to the unknown?
Well, anything could happen/be out there.
Well, bad things could happen.
Yes. But that’s always the case no matter how much you think you know. And why would you assume that the unknown is full of only bad things? Why not good things? How can you make an assumption like that, or any at all, if it is all unknown? That literally doesn’t make sense.
The only assumption about the unknown that can be made is that no assumptions can be made about it.

When I see people arguing in a debate about these sorts of truths, it’s like, I know that you’re really arguing for your sense of safety and security, or for your pride and sense of self worth, or because your dad taught you some screwed up belief like maybe a ‘man’ always fights and wins, or because you believe that if you’re wrong then you’re a failure or something. It’s not about the presented issue. I know.

I know that when someone is saying, “Oh man, I hate insertnamehere, she’s so annoying.” I know: You don’t really hate her. Maybe she annoys you because she reflects something that is in you that annoys you that you want to change, or maybe you’re jealous of her and mad at yourself for not being more like her, or maybe when you were 6 a girl at school with that same name used to tease you.  I know you’re just a bit messed up like the rest of us.

I always watch my parents fight (though they don’t call it fighting – they call it ‘stirring one another) and I know what they are really saying to one another. I know what is really triggering my mum’s need to ‘stir’ dad – because it’s the only way she can say what she really wants to say – in a ‘teasing’ way. And I think dad knows some of this stuff to, but he can’t admit to himself that he knows, so he carries on with it all and ‘stirs’ back. I know what they are saying and I do think that they would be a lot happier in the long run if they could be less fearful of the unknown and just share with each other.

If we all had a stronger heart connection we would all be sharing all the time and all would just know that I have a whole lot of empathy for you and you have a whole lot empathy for me, because we would really see one another and that’d be all. I think there would less fear and more faith in one another.

Everyone is intrinsically good. We’re all just kids that have taped ourselves up to resemble adults to the best of our ability.

Maybe I think and reflect way more than others. I can’t let go and talk about surface-y things for very long. I see the depth of it all, and I can’t detach from it. I can’t ‘turn it off’.

I think the thing, with the alcohol, is that I have high hopes that it will draw out the part of me that knows how to talk to other people on that surface level and that’s all, that it will make that part so loud that it will quieten the busy inner mind… And it does, a little bit, but not enough to remove the feeling of how unnatural and wrong my functioning seems to be when under it’s influence. And not even referring to crazy, or wild drunkard behaviour when I say how ‘wrong’ my functioning feels. It’s just this…layering of…heaviness over my head…and it’s the separation it causes between this inner, reflective and intuitive mind I speak of, the one that makes all these observations in the moment, vs. the surface-y personality aspect of me that interacts. When that part of me is active and the other part is not, or is less-than…THAT’S what it is, man. THAT.

It made me long for the kind of truly intimate and loving relationship I that I have with my best friends to also be shared between me and everyone. That connection between the heart chakras and that awareness of one another’s energy – which encompasses every layer and aspect of one’s being – that’s what we all need more of.

I think people think they’re really alone in their insecurities, traumas, and all that ‘dark’, all those pieces of themselves that are unknown to others around them…alone in the sense that they think that they are the only ones who are experiencing this darker shade of being human and/or that it’s not okay to share, or to want to be supported, or to ask for support…
When in reality, they’re not alone. We are all sharing the human experience…

fearful of the night quote