I have been in a kind of hibernation this week.
This weather makes me so cold and unable to do anything.
I have tried, every Winter, to change my attitude about the colder weather so I can experience a sense of normalcy when it comes round… But try as I might, this does not seem to have been successful. And that’s probably because I was doing it out of resistance. I was trying to change how I feel because part of me judges that I ‘should’ not be affected by something so ‘trivial’ as the weather. This is where positive focus does not work… because your positive focus is a vibrational ‘lie’. Example lies I tried haha:
“I am still able to function amidst this cold air.”
“I am in control of my energy levels, not the weather. I should be fine with this. I am fine with this.”
It doesn’t work.
Even more ‘positive’ ones like really noticing what I do enjoy in the day despite the cold weather…and also trying to note things I do like that are present because of the cold weather… E.g. :
“I like when I can be wrapped up in a million blankets in my room with the heater on with my cats, it’s cozy and I like that feeling.”
“I like using my heat blanket. I like the feeling of warmth on my feet under the covers.”
“I like drinking hot chocolate within cold-feeling air.”
Whilst these are true, their drive is false. The drive to notice was one done so out of resistance to the present, to the weather.
So, here I sit and I admit: I HATE THE COLD WEATHER. I CANNOT FUNCTION IN THIS WEATHER.
(Warning: Resistance-free rant about my true feelings about the cold weather coming up…)
I hate the cold air on my face, on my ears and nose. I hate that I can get so tucked into the blanket but no matter what I do my face will always have to bare the cold (unless I wear a balaclava? haha).
I hate that I have to wear 2 or 3 layers of clothing instead of 1. I hate that I have to wear jumpers, which I find fashionably limiting. I hate that I have to have the heater on and then the electricity bill increases dramatically. I hate that I look out the window and sky is just grey and so so unappealing. I hate being in the rain – I hate getting wet. I go outside for like 5 seconds in Autumn/Winter I.e. Rain and then my clothes are slightly damp for the next hour or so. If I want to avoid this I have to put my jacket and boots on, or have an umbrella. I do not like these additions. I hate when the sky is blue and sunny but you go outside and it’s all a big lie because it’s still like -1000 degrees! I hate that my hands always feel cold and kind of stiff… which makes me type slower and also it hurts more if I accidentally bang them against the door or something.
LIKE, LET’S BE REAL: WINTER! YOU SUCK!
SOOOOOOOOOO… Moving on. Sort of.
This week I have spent half of my time being annoyed at my inability to function and trying to break out of this weird forced cocoon way of living, to no avail…and half my time just giving up on the resistance and simply being completely non functional. I’ve basically been living in my bedroom, in my bed, with the door closed, with the heater and the electric blanket on. I have come out to the lounge room etc and attempted to be productive and function properly multiple times but always inevitably returned to the warm nest of blankets and sleep.
The majority of it is to do with the cold. Some of it is to do with me coming off of some medication I was on. Some of it is to do with the current energetic shifts occurring within the collective/Earth at the moment.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (type 2) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder when I was approximately 19 years old. I had a terrible time emotionally growing up and as a young adult until I finally ‘hit bottom’ and thus went to the doctor, got diagnosed and went on medication. My life experience greatly improved after that.
Being on medication allowed me to have the calm of mind needed to rediscover myself and know who I really am minus heavy and often painful emotional swings. The excavation towards the buried true self began.
Here we have come to the finality of that excavation. Here I have found myself standing at a precipice of who I thought I was and who I really am. Here I touch who I have always been but never knew. And so, in the last week, I have finally stopped all medications I was on for Bipolar Disorder/GAD.
One by-product of doing this is the effects of medication withdrawal. This has meant that regardless of the weather, I would still have been experiencing a lot of what I have experienced this week… dizziness, disassociation, anxiety and heightened sensory arousal i.e. feeling hyper aware of everything in my environment.
It has been approximately 4 days since I stopped my medication and today is the first day I feel I am close to ‘normal’ – as normal as I can be with this weather, that is.
There is a kind of ‘coming out’ feeling with this. I am slightly expectant of ridicule and excessive worry from people because everyone has heard that ‘bipolar patients are known for not taking their medication’… and, like people expect you to have an ‘episode’ or go off the deep end because Bipolar is thought of as an ‘incurable’ ‘disorder’.
Despite that, there is a feeling of intense empowerment I feel about this. I feel SO good about it and CONFIDENT in my ability to manage my moods. And you know how? Through the power of monitoring my thoughts and focus and by staying aligned with who I really am. And through self love and self care, which I am learning how to do, day by day.
What I have learnt through intuitive channeling and of course my own experience is that: people who receive a diagnosis of bipolar disorder are usually those who have never felt permission to be themselves. It was never okay to be sensitive and so they felt resistant to this aspect of themselves. This resistance enhanced that sensitivity (what you resists persists! I.e. You manifest more of whatever you are focusing on, this is the law of this mirror universe) until a full on chemical imbalance is created, the ‘chemical/emotional ceiling’ is broken, disappears.
Those with Bipolar disorder did come into this world more sensitive than others yes, but it was never supposed to get so bad that we would declare it a disorder, that it would become life threatening. As I heard the spiritual teacher, Teal Swan, say once, these people are ‘a sensitive compass’. The emotional (/chemical) reaction to your thoughts is much stronger than ‘regular’ people, this means you can get on a negative OR positive spiral much more easily and quickly than others. This means your thoughts are POWERFUL. This means monitoring one’s thoughts and consciously choosing those that feel good is very important.
This also means that you are an amazing creator. Every thought you think has a strong emotional response behind it thus it has a very strong, magnetic point of attraction to it. People with bipolar disorder are creators to it’s fullest extent. Additionally, our desires give birth to very strong pulls on the collective as we weave what we wish to manifest towards us, so too does that draw affect the collective. Our influence is vast.
Anyway, the point is that it is okay to be a sensitive compass. And I now know how to steer.